This article was written with the intention of raising awareness on abusive relationships. In new relationships, it can prevent abusive behaviour from happening.  In more established ones, it can empower the victim to embark on a healing and liberating journey. However, dealing with an abusive relationship can be dangerous, or even fatal, so it may be necessary for the victim to seek professional mental, legal, and/or counselling help. 

Whether physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual and/or financial, abuse is far more common than we think. It can permeate all relationships, not just love relationships.  The perpetrator/offender can be a husband/wife, lover, business partner, friend or anyone we turn to for comfort and support in times of trouble. Described as a methodical and premeditated attempt to maintain power and control in the relationship, the art of abuse can be so fine, and creeps in so gradually, that the victims may not even realise that they are being mistreated. Even if the abuse is obvious, many victims endure abusive relationships for financial security, fear of further harm or stigmatisation (Baldry, 2008; Brewster, 2003). 

Fortunately, there are many tools that can support the victims’ agonizing return to an abuse-free life. Victims may be lucky enough to have friends or relatives with limitless energy and stamina, who are ready to unlearn their own deep-seated (false) beliefs about abuse and put themselves in danger to help (Brewster, 2005). There are also many self-help, self-management and empowerment skills that can be taught and support groups and shelters that are willing to lend a hand. Still, the utter pain victims endure can lead to feelings of powerlessness, and torn between the partner’s charisma that shines at one moment and his/her monstrosity that takes over at the next, they are often deeply confused.  

 

Abusers turn from loathing to adoring their victims on a dime

Irrespective of the nature of abuse, abusive relationships operate in three-phased cycles. The “tension building phase” is characterized by poor communication, passive aggression and tension. The victim goes out of her/his way to please the abuser and prevent him/her from becoming abusive. In the “acute abusive incident phase”, built up tension explodes in emotionally, psychologically and/or physically abusive incidents. These are followed by the “honeymoon phase” in which the victim is showered with affection, love and apologies. The abuse is forgotten and the abuser promises it will never happen again. This then gives way to small mistreatments and the cycle continues; it turns into a deception and the violence gets worse (Fisher, 1990; Walker, 1979).

 

What makes a person abusive?

Abusive behaviour is born from emotional pain, fear and a need to control (Evans, 2013). Unresolved childhood conflicts, neglect or idolization by the parents, low self-esteem, resentments, genetic tendencies and/or environmental influences may play a role. According to social learning theory (Bandura, 1979), children with abusive parents learn that violence is a way of getting what one wants and therefore they themselves become abusive. Psychopathic, borderline, anti-social and narcissistic personality disorders (NPD) are closely associated with abusive/violent behaviour (Calvete, 2008; Logan & Johnstone, 2010). Although each of these personality disorders has its particular characteristics, they also have many similarities. NPD will now be outlined to illustrate the complexity of abusive behaviour and the abuser’s malicious intentions.

 

What is NPD?

NPD is a spiritual and emotional condition whereby the narcissist constructs a false, grandiose self to mask unresolved, severe emotional wounds inflicted upon him/her, typically at around the age of five-seven years. Narcissists exhibit pathological (not real) and destructive behaviour. Despite seemingly charismatic, they are not at one with themselves. Like Narcissus, the hero of Greek mythology, they despise their true broken selves but are madly in love with their reflection (the false self). Needless to say, their life is hellish and, being so incredibly insecure, they need to seek constant approval, love, attention, and energy from others (narcissistic supply) to survive. Like vampires, they suck their victims dry and ruthlessly move on to the next; hence they are always mining fresh sources of supply. Their world is distorted and we cannot understand them by looking through the lens of normal behaviour (Evans, 2013).  

Their ego takes over their personality. They disown their false malicious self and see their true selves as the victims. They lack conscience and feel entitled to victimize others. They get the special attention they need so badly to feed their ego either through aggrandizement (making themselves bigger) or self-victimization. As their demeaning ways start to be discovered, by playing the victim they, quite literally, get away with murder (Lopez De Victoria, 2008).

Statistically, women are more prone to narcissistic abuse than men, although there certainly are women who are narcissistic themselves. There are no firm statistics on the prevalence of NPD and this is understandable, as, by definition, narcissists do not admit there is something very wrong with them. Their biggest fear is that others discover how powerless and empty they feel. Therefore, they do not seek treatment. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Relationships expert, author and radio host, Tania Melanie Evans claims it is a worldwide epidemic and estimates that 16 per cent of the population is severely narcissistic.

Only trained health professionals can make a clinical diagnosis of NPD and not all narcissists have the same level and number of narcissistic traits (characteristics).  However, anyone who is properly informed and close enough to a narcissist can tell him/her apart. Next week’s article will explore NPD deeper to equip you, the readers, with the information you need to do just that. Then, you may realise how widespread the epidemic of narcissistic abuse really is.

 

Ms Falzon is an MSc Health Psychology student and a member of the British Psychological Society.

If you would like to know more, the author can be contacted at: [email protected]