It is said that the British have manners and the French have etiquette and I say that many Maltese have neither. I say 'many' and not all because there are certainly those who continue to behave properly, often under trying circumstances and against the tide; those whose courtesy seldom slips.
The process of civilisation, says Professor Bryan Wilson in the forward to Gentility Recalled, "has been a process of the refinement of behaviour...Teaching people how, when and where not to do so... has played an essential role in the creation of modern civilisation." Good manners, he continues, amount to behaving appropriately in different social situations.
One of course can blame bad manners on selfishness. The quality of interpersonal relationships at every level of society has deteriorated, is deteriorating and could eventually make this country a very unpleasant place in which to live. The yob culture which has been with us for some years is probably here to stay. Let us take a deep breath.
What constitutes bad manners? You can be sure that anything mean is bad manners. Belittling people, washing their dirty linen in public for them and saying half-truths about them is worse than bad manners and not easily forgotten by the 'victims concerned.'
Greed is unattractive, hence, I suppose, the long established rule not to speak about money. Yet there's talk about it wherever you go. So perhaps speaking about money is no longer bad manners, or if it is nobody cares. It is the only currency some people acknowledge these days.
It is believed that the biggest change in manners has been caused by the altered balance in relationships between men and women. Young men, I am assured, are uncertain as to whether or not to hold a door open for a female peer. Should he treat her as an equal? Young women complain that young men are falling short of chivalrous ideals. This is a pity. Nothing charms women more than when a man offers to get them a drink or a plate of food, to look after them in short; when he stands up when they come into a room or at a dining table and opens a door for them to let them pass first. It shows consideration and good breeding and there is no woman I know, of any age, who doesn't appreciate these gestures. No, this behaviour is not hilariously old fashioned and outdated.
Technology and a work-based culture have created the biggest changes. Take the mobile phone which is now an established fixture of life. Although no proper rules seem to apply it is obvious that when in company we should not have our nose constantly in a phone and frantically messaging as if our very life depended on it. Certainly, to leave your mobile on at the theatre, during a lecture and such public gatherings is tantamount to delinquency.
Technology can actually aid the passage of better manners. But does it work for old-fashioned courtesies, like the 'thank-you' letter? In my book a text message or an e-mail is better that than nothing at all and between close friends an electronic 'thank you' often has to do. But how much more courteous to take the trouble and send a handwritten note.
I sometimes grumble that there is no deference any more. Total strangers whether on the phone or face to face call each other by their first names as a matter of course. This perhaps is partly due to the giddy pace at which we are constrained to live. It is easier to remember a Christian name than a surname as well. Perhaps it is a way of bringing everyone down to the same level. Surely first name terms should indicate that people know each other well. There may be countless people of middle age, and older, who may think that being called by their first name is to be presented with a cup of the elixir of youth; that it is 'cool.' It isn't.
The habit of speaking with familiarity of persons of prominence in order to impress their hearers with their own importance has the quite opposite effect upon all but the ignorant. Name dropping is awful and familiarity worse. Joseph? Eddie? Freddie? Joey? Simon? I ask you.
Our fast paced lives have ensured that very often we cannot possibly pursue all the social niceties that we would wish. I'd love to go to every funeral of friends and acquaintances; to send cards and flowers on appropriate occasions; to call and enquire about someone's or even his cat's health. But if I am going to have a little life left for myself it is impossible to take care of these myriad niceties; I would need another lifetime to do so.
I do not want to forget to mention the comments boards of newspapers which seem to attract some pretty bad-mannered odd balls. Insolent remarks, often senseless (and full of grammatical mistakes) are thrown at complete strangers. Instead of debating a point with arguments readers, often using a nom-de-plume - and sometimes even half a dozen different ones - hit below the belt.
No wonder a woman from Macedonia found it necessary to open an Etiquette School, as reported in the press last October. May Ms Noveska entice at least some of those behaving badly to one of her courses and instil some charm in them. Maybe we will then have fewer repellent yobs around the place.
Over to you Ms Noveska.