When was the first time you were abused in the relationship? Why did it come about? What form of abuse was it?

To be honest I cannot remember. It was a very long relationship and at the beginning, everything was so good. Initially what attracted me to this person was that he was strong and that he used to stand up for me. The fact that he was a bit aggressive used to make me feel safe, I always liked that feeling.

However, over the years, I became the target of this aggressiveness; it started with a few episodes until it became a daily thing.

What sort of abuse have you suffered? Physical, emotional, sexual?

All three but I think it’s the physical which I hated the most. The punching, the hair pulling, the choking. I also hated his threats. He had threatened to kill me.

It also took me years to get over his words. He used to tell me I was no good at anything, that I was ugly, that I was too fat or too thin, that I was never good enough at whatever I did.

So of course, when you are submitted to this mental abuse, your self-esteem plummets. Then because you think so little of yourself, when he punches you and you feel you’re not good enough you believe it.

Was he violent or constantly jealous or did he control your daily activates in any way?

He always wanted to control my life. In the beginning, it just used to be: where I should or should not go; what to wear or what not to wear. However, in my mind this was fine. I thought it was a compromise and felt it was okay.

However, when a person controls you physically as well, it’s completely different. It’s not even acceptable to discipline a child physically so just imagine being disciplined physically when you’re an adult. You should be on the same level, so it feels truly degrading. Your parents will tell you off, but your partner should not be telling you off and hitting you. 

How serious did the physical abuse get? Can you describe it? Did you ever feel your life was threatened?

The basis of why I left was the physical abuse, which had become constant at that stage. He would even start getting up at night, start thinking about something we would have quarrelled about the day before and he would start punching me, then dragging me out of bed from my hair down the corridor.

I started fearing for my life. It had begun so well, but then we had the fights and it started degenerating further and further until it was every single day. The next logical step was that he would kill me and to top it off, he started threatening me more and more that he would kill me.

Most people believe that abuse survivors leave because they have a moment of courage. Mine was not a moment of courage; mine was a moment of total despair. I woke up one day and told myself I can’t live like this anymore because I’m simply not going to survive. I couldn’t have my loved ones finding me dead. It was the fear of death that made me leave, it was survival instinct.

Did you ever end up in hospital?

I never used to go to the doctor when I had the injuries he inflicted on me. At one point, I had fever and bronchitis because I couldn’t go to the doctor. When the bruises finally cleared up and I went to the doctor, he told me I had pneumonia.

Therefore, it affects you in every aspect because you are trapped and unable to even take care of yourself. If you have a black eye, you have to call in sick and if the company sends a doctor you have to invent some reason, like using the ‘I tripped and fell’ excuse.

What was he like when you met and when you got together? Where you aware of this other side of him when you met?

When you meet a guy when you’re young, love always makes you blind and unless he’s aggressive with you from the onset, you don’t mind whether he’s aggressive with others. You see it as him being your guardian. But then when it turns towards you, you genuinely feel like it’s your fault that he’s getting this angry with you, so there must be something wrong with you; you’re obviously not a good enough girlfriend.

Did anyone else know what was really going on? What did others think about him?

I had never reached out to my family and he used to play the victim with them, so people would take his side. In the eyes of everyone else, he was a hard-working, nice person – except for the people he got into fights with. Some people knew of his aggressive side.

However, most of his acquaintances started calling me, asking me how I could leave a man who is so hardworking. What more could you want? When really, they had no idea what was happening at home.

Do you have kids with him? How many? Do you still remember the first time he hit you in front of them?

Yes, my son went through it and he needed therapy because of it. I would say my son saved my life quite a few times because he would see him crying and he would stop. Towards him, he was an angel.

In fact, I use to be beaten sometimes because I was just being a mum and telling my son off for doing something wrong. I have never stopped them meeting and my son has never held a grudge against his father. Children tend to be egoistic. Children in fact tend to side with the stronger parent because of immediate family.

Was your family aware? What was their reaction?

It was shocking for my parents that I had been through it but they were not shocked that I had never told them. It was shocking that he was an aggressive person.

Are you employed? Did the abuse affect your job or your desire to have a job?

For me my job is the one thing I kept for myself. When we had a child, yes, he did want me to stop working but that was the one thing I did not give up. In fact, I used to go to work, almost as an escape. I would have a nice day at work and was able to forget a bit. In fact, usually when you go to work, you’re counting the hours until you can go home, but for me it was the opposite. When I saw there was only an hour left until I had to go home, the panic would set in.

How did the abuse make you feel? Describe the feeling?

I think you end up in this vortex of pain, guilt, being in love with someone who is hurting you. It’s honestly having too many feelings that end up destroying you. And even after you leave, it takes years to get over it.

I honestly used to feel guilty, and that it would be unfair for anyone to find out and for him to get in trouble. But in the last six months mainly, I had no feelings at all, I was numb.

How did you begin to heal?

At first, it’s as if someone has given you wings because you’re suddenly free. And at first, you have this fake happiness because at the same time you’re still scared. I remained scared for about two years. It was quite a clean cut from the past. There were only a few nasty phone calls, but I obviously had horrible nightmares that he would come back for me.

After leaving I went on a rollercoaster of emotions, I would have really good days and really bad days.

Then I read on the news that old school friend of mine had been killed by her ex-husband and it triggered something inside me and I fell into this nervous breakdown spiral. So I decided I needed help.

I contacted Victim Support Online then Victim Support Malta and the counsellor helped me figure out my feelings, rebuild my self –esteem; it took about a year of counselling.

But it radically changed my life, the way I look at myself, my ex, my life; it changed my ‘everything’. I had been to other places for help but I would end up relapsing. However, with Victim Support Malta, I felt comfortable and the counsellor tackled the situation differently as I was taught certain skills which helped me turn my life around.

This, in my opinion, was a life-changing experience and now I am just so happy.

Why do many victims stay with their abusers? What would make it easier for victims to seek help?

They stay out of fear. I honestly think that in these times it’s a bit easier to seek help. There’s the internet and Facebook where you can find organisations like Victim Support Malta.

If you experienced police intervention, did it help improve your situation in any way?

I reported the abuse to the police once; I did not intend to leave him I just wanted to teach him a lesson. The police told me that as long as I didn’t want to leave him there was nothing they could do. This was a long time ago though.

What would you say to someone who is going through such a situation and who doesn’t believe that there’s a way out?

I think there’s always help, it’s just a matter of vision and it’s difficult to believe that there is hope. All I can say is: what can be worse than being abused? If the other side is so scary why not try it, being abused is scary too.

When you are being abused everything scares you, you’re like a rabbit among wolves. It’s time to set yourself free.

What would you tell someone who is going through a similar experience to yours?

Now when I see domestic violence it infuriates me. I think I would tell them to have hope. You see hope is what you would have lost, and hope should be the last thing to die, there is always a better future, even when you cannot believe it. It cannot rain forever.