How to keep cool, calm and collected

The truth is, no matter how hip and cool parents claim to be, they are as anxious as previous generations were about discussing sex. Our parents and grandparents handled a child’s sexuality by pretending it did not exist. Today’s parents think we ought to be oh-so-matter-of-fact. So why do we squirm if we see our four-year-old mimicking Britney Spears’ pelvic thrusts?

According to psychiatrists, the feelings of discomfort and dread that surface when we have to acknowledge our children’s sexual nature can be attributed to the “incest taboo,” a psychological firewall that keeps us from having sex with close relatives. The “ick” feeling we get when we picture our parents having sex, for instance, is part of that taboo, which works so well that it often prevents us from talking to our children about sex.

According to experts, there may never come a time when you feel comfortable about the subject. Acknowledge to yourself that you may be anxious, but set that aside and go ahead anyway.

It takes practice, which is actually a good thing because sex should not be a one-time topic of conversation. Bringing it up over time is the best way to make sure your child knows it is not shameful. Plus, his own sexuality will grow and change. It is not something that will pop up during puberty. It is there, even earlier than we think.

Even babies are aware of the pleasure of touch and can become stimulated, but new parents are often taken aback by this. It is important, however, not to start off with a negative message that it is ‘wrong’ or ‘nasty’.

As a child gets older, you will need to talk to her about her body. Many of us are more comfortable using slang terms for penises, breasts, vulvas, and vaginas, but experts recommend that parents avoid making up names for body parts. It gives children the idea that there is something bad about their proper names.

Even as you are open and honest about the proper names, toddlerhood is the time to set your guidelines for modesty. Some parents love watching their little ones scamper about au naturel. Others think that streaking is an activity best left in the ‘70s.

Whatever your beliefs about nudity and modesty, toddlers are naturally uninhibited. So if you are feeling a little iffy about your daughter’s Lady Godiva-like behaviour but you do not want her to associate nudity with “naughty,” here are some guidelines:

1) Be consistent with your rules, but adapt them as your child grows.

2) Explain your reasons in a way that does not make your child feel ashamed. You could say, “Now that you are a big girl, you should cover up. There are special parts of your body that are not for everyone to see.”

3) There should be at least one setting during the day when your child’s nakedness is acceptable and enjoyed, such as during bathtime. The goal is to distinguish your attitude toward her body, which is always favourable, from your opinion of her showing it in

certain situations.

This will help you raise a child who is modest about public nudity but not uncomfortable with her body.

Big-question time: ages three to five

Now that your child has explored his own body and has the correct names for all of his parts, he is curious about everyone else.

When the questions start, it is all right if you do not always have a ready answer. If you are not prepared to say something helpful, it is okay to collect your thoughts. One woman tells the story of her son, James, five, who informed her during a drive to school that a boy moose had to put his penis in a girl moose to make babies. He then asked, “Did Daddy do that to you?” She was so flustered that she rear-ended the car ahead of her. “There was no damage,” she says, “but try explaining to the driver why I hit him!” She told her son that it was too complicated a question to answer on the way to kindergarten but that she would answer it that night, which she did. “He asked a lot of

follow-up questions, and I answered them all honestly.” She adds, “But I recommend being careful about letting little kids watch the Discovery Channel!”

Rather than wait for the queries, strike up the conversation yourself to help your child feel comfortable talking to you. Many parents put off discussing sex and sexuality because they think there is a “right age” to do so and any information before-hand will not be understood – or will be harmful.

Actually, it is a good idea to give children information about sexuality two years before you think they will need it. At four, a child is old enough to understand the concept of creation – a baby who exists now did not exist in the past but was created by his parents. Knowing that now will only help him figure out the more complicated stuff later.

Some parents worry that acknowledging their child’s sexuality will encourage him to experiment. But, most kids, when presented with the mechanics of sex, say, “Ew!” and leave it at that.

Between the ages of two and five, is also the age to make sure your child knows about “good touch” and “bad touch,” and that he should come to you if someone has crossed the line.

When honesty pays off: ages five and up

Your child is off to school, bringing with her all her knowledge of sexuality – and so are her classmates. She will probably hear sexual slang, as she is bombarded with new (and often incorrect) sex information from friends, TV shows, music, and movies. And as she develops her own incest taboo, she may grow uncomfortable talking about sex with you.

The payback from your being open and honest with her in her younger years is that it is easier now to grapple with the more complicated sexual issues kids are hearing about, such as homosexuality, contraception, and sexually transmitted diseases. At this point in her life, your child will be discovering not only the facts about these topics but how you feel about them too. For instance, you can let her know what you would think if you learned someone you know is gay. That way, she can take her cue from you in the future.

Top discipline principles

If we had to ask parents what aspect of parenting concerns them most, they would undoubtedly put ‘discipline’ at the top of their list. Are they being too strict or too lenient? No parent is ever quite sure if they are doing it right. Here we will be bringing you some of the top ten principles for disciplining young children

1. Get connected early

Discipline is grounded on a healthy relationship between parent and child. To know how to discipline your child you must first know your child. This kind of knowledge resides deep in parents’ minds. You could call it intuition, but that term has a kind of mystique that confuses parents. (“How can I trust my intuition? I do not even know if I have any!”) The term ‘connection’ is easier to understand.

Connected parents become their own experts on their own child, so they know what behaviour is appropriate to expect

and how to convey these expectations. Connected children know what behaviour parents expect and make an effort to behave this way because they want to please their parents. Together these parents and children develop a style of discipline that works for them. You can read your child’s behaviour and respond appropriately, so the two of you can bring out the best in each other.

2. Know your child

These are the three most useful words in discipline. Study your child. Know your child’s needs and capabilities at various ages. Your discipline techniques will be different at each stage because your child’s needs change. A temper tantrum in a two-year-old calls for a different response than it does in an eight-year-old.

Know age-appropriate behaviour. Many conflicts arise when parents expect children to think and behave like adults. You need to know what behaviour is usual for a child at each stage of development in order to recognise true misbehaviour. We find discipline to be much easier with our eighth child than it was with our first child, mainly because we now have a handle on which behaviours call for instruction, patience, and humour, and which demand a firm, corrective response. We tolerate those things that go along with a child’s age and stage (for example, most two-year-olds cannot sit still very long in a restaurant), but we correct behaviour that is disrespectful or dangerous to the child or to others (“You may not climb on the table”).

Get behind the eyes of your child. Children do not think like adults. Kids try crazy things and think crazy thoughts... at least by adult standards. You will drive yourself crazy if you judge a child’s behaviour from an adult viewpoint. A two-year-old who runs out into the street is not being defiant, he just wants his ball back. Action follows impulse, with no thought in between. A five-year-old likes her friend’s toy so much that she ‘borrows’ it. An adult may stop and weigh the necessity, safety, and morality of an act, but a young child does not.

A typical example:

Matthew, at age two, was a very focused child. He would become so engrossed in a play activity that it was difficult for him to let go when it was time to leave. One day when he was playing and it was time for us to depart (we were late for an appointment), Martha scooped Matthew up and carried him to the door. Matthew protested with a typical two-year-old tantrum. At first she had the usual “Hey, I’m in charge here” feelings and felt that she was justified in expecting Matthew to obey quickly and be willing to leave his toys. But as Martha was carrying the flailing child out through the door, she realised that her discipline gauge was out of balance and she was not handling things in the best way.

Her actions were a result of her need to leave, but they did not take into account Matthew’s need for advance warning and a more gradual transition. She realised it was not in Matthew’s nature to switch gears quickly, even if we did have a deadline. He was not defying her. He was just being true to himself. He needed more time to let go of his activities. So she calmly took him back to the play setting, sat down with him and together they said “Bye-bye toys, bye-bye trucks, bye-bye cars,” until he could comfortably release himself from his activities. It only took a couple of minutes, time that would otherwise have been wasted struggling with Matthew in the car.

This was not a ‘technique’ or ‘method’; this disciplinary action evolved naturally from the mutual respect between parent and child and the knowledge that Martha had about Matthew. At the end of this exercise Martha felt right because it had accomplished what she wanted – getting Matthew out of the house with the least amount of hassle. She taught him a method of releasing himself from an activity without resorting to a tantrum. That is what discipline is all about.

Realising how much better discipline works when you consider your children’s needs in your decisions can be a major turning point for parents. Initially, you have to work through the fear that you are letting your children manipulate you, because you had read, heard from others, and grown up with the idea that good parents are always in control. Parents will find however, that considering their child’s point of view will actually help them to take charge of them. Knowing your children becomes the key to knowing how to discipline them. They will know you are in charge because you are able to help them obey.

That will leave no doubt in their minds or yours that Mum and Dad knew best.

More next week....