It’s the time of year when men, women and children make a passionate list of wide-ranging promises which they faithfully intend to keep for the next 365 days. New Year’s resolutions are fantastic things, symbolising the continual battle of good intention over reality: making them is easy, keeping them a damn sight harder.

But while your own resolutions generally involve smoking, dieting and generally being better people, there are some in the football field whose festive promises can have much more of an effect. There are resolutions which can have an impact on the lives of millions of fans around the world.

And while the truth will probably remain unknown, here is what I believe they should have been vowing on Friday/Saturday night:

Arsene Wenger: to keep his mouth shut about opponent’s strikers until such time as he realises his own squad is brimming with players not afraid to kick and punch their way to the title.

Wayne Rooney: to realise that being the most supremely talented English player of his generation doesn’t give him the right to act like a petulant child on the pitch. And to be home by 9pm on school nights.

Sir Alex Ferguson: to carry salt and pepper with him at all times just in case there are any Arsenal players lurking in the tunnel.

Jose Mourinho: to stop attending the highly successive ‘How to be More Self Assured’ courses he has been taking before his pompous lack of modesty results in him become the first football manager to be assassinated.

Jacques Santini: to learn the difference between resigning a job for ‘personal’ reasons and ‘personnel’ reasons.

Graeme Souness: to stop moaning about a lack of players and admit that any half-brained idiot with a couple of days ‘Championship Manager 4’ experience could do a better job than him at Newcastle.

Bryan Robson: to stop taking over as manager of crap football clubs.

Adrian Mutu: to avoid any more stiff punishments by never again taking recreational drugs to enhance his sexual performance.

Dwight Yorke never did. Remarry: to realise that it is time to hang up his boots before old age means he won’t even be able to reach the peg.

David Beckham: to throw away his copy of the book of ridiculous children’s names long before Brooklyn and Romeo’s sibling is born. And to keep his trousers zipped while Posh is out shopping.

Rio Ferdinand: to make sure he doesn’t miss another season by running away when a team mate tells him there are a couple of men waiting to ‘take the p***’ out of him in the changing rooms.

Jonathan Woodgate: to occasionally remember why he gets paid £80,000 a week by Real Madrid to play football not keep a variety of doctors in full time employment.

Sir Bobby Robson: to retire from the game with grace and dignity while he can still remember where he lives.

Sepp Blatter: to realise that proper, meaningful punishments are not something that can only be handed out to English teams and the English league.

Raphael Benitez: to have a microchip inserted in Steven Gerrard that will automatically turn him into Carlton Palmer should he ever leave Liverpool.

Harry Redknapp: to act a little bit less like an extra from Eastenders and start to show a little loyalty to the club he is currently managing. Unless, of course, the local rivals offer more.

Ian Dowie: to finally scoop the prize for ugliest manager in the Premier League now that Gary Megson has moved on.

Sven Goran Eriksson: to find a job which will allow him to play hide the sausage with as many secretaries as he wants without it becoming front page news. Oh, and to finally admit that defending for 87 minutes is not the way to play football.

Thierry Henry: not to shrug his shoulders in mock indifference every time he scores yet another contender for goal of the season.

Premier League clubs

Finally a special mention to the Premier League clubs for donating £1 million to the victims of the quake fund. A lovely gesture and one which I think all football clubs around the world should do within their means.

And to the Manchester United lads who have followed their example by donating £100,000 of their own money as well.

Good work chaps. It might not make it a Happy New Year for the millions affect by the tsunami but it may make it a little more bearable.

Contact James on: [email protected]