Something, somewhere, must be very wrong indeed. What brought this home to me was a particular PBS news item around a month ago: “Gas Situation Back to Normal” ran the main news tagline... and the newscaster went on to say that, “as opposed to what was stated in the media”, the distribution and supply of gas had resumed normality “in all areas of Malta and Gozo.”

OK, nothing unusual in itself, you might be thinking. But for one tiny detail. I knew for a fact that there was at least one locality in which the gas situation at the time was very far from normal. That was my own locality, where the charming sound of blaring gas truck claxons, not to mention the jolly clashing and clanging of dozens of cylinders, had not been heard in a many a cold, wet and miserable week. And trifling as the matter may now appear, it troubled me deeply at the time. I don’t know why, but somehow it reminded me of something grim and dark, something I had been trying to forget since early childhood. But I couldn’t put my finger on it at all.

How could PBS be so... well... wrong? Lost in idle thought, I decided to close my eyes, and put the question to the single wisest, grandest and most powerful person in all creation..

***

Lights dim. Curtains raise. Enter Gandalf the Grey, Wizard from the Forgotten West, smoking a pipe and reading The Malta Independent On Sunday. It seems he must be reading this very article, for suddenly, he stops pacing about the room and addresses me directly:

GANDALF: Three hundred lives of men have I walked this earth, and meddled I have in its wars and its affairs, but rarely have I seen a mortal man so stumped by such a simple little riddle. Why, the answer is staring you right in the face! Who is the man responsible for the supply and distribution of gas in this little hobbit-hole of a country?

ME: Erm, let me see now: is it... Austin Gatt?

GAN: Indeed it is. And so, does it not follow logically that Dr Gatt would be deeply embarrassed by any news items suggesting that the gas supply was anything less than perfect? All the more if it came from the news on Public Broadcasting Services, which, as recent polls have revealed, continues to enjoy the trust and following of the vast majority of Maltese television viewers?

ME: I guess so, but...

GAN: No buts. Now for question two: which Government Minister was responsible for the much publicised “reform” of PBS last year? A reform which involved downsizing the company by two-thirds (leaving mostly, if I might add, the trolls and the goblins), as well as reducing its resources to the barest of minumums?

ME: OK, this one’s a little harder. If I’m not mistaken it was... hang on, that can’t be right. It can’t possibly be...

GAN: No? And yet, the answer is only one: the selfsame Austin Gatt... who, at the time of the news item in question, was under considerable fire from all angles... not least, from the “other media” that PBS so painstakingly chose to contradict. And there, I think, you have the answer.

ME: But hold a minute, Gandalf... if what you’re saying is true, it would mean that a Government Minister personally intervened by concocting a totally fabricated story and then feeding it to the press. That can’t possibly have happened...

GAN: Can’t it? Maybe not. That, I believe, would have been Labour’s strategy way back in the Ancient World. Effective, but terribly uncouth. The Nationalists are not much better, granted, but at least they have some degree of style. No, I don’t think Austin Gatt would stoop so low as to personally dictate a news item to PBS. Besides, he wouldn’t need to. All he needed to do was instil the fear of Sauron into the entire PBS management (for instance, by threatening to shut down the station altogether if it didn’t produce “results”) and lo and behold! In no time at all, the entire newsroom would be falling over itself not to bite the hand that feeds it...

ME: But what you’re suggesting is that the Nationalist Party has hijacked the national station. How can that be? After all, isn’t this the same PN which had fought so hard and for so long against precisely this kind of abuse in the 1970s and 1980s? For heaven’s sake, Francis Zammit Dimech even wrote a book about it called The Untruth Game. I still have a copy somewhere...

GAN: Yes, this much is true. The Nationalist Party fought many battles in its time. I seem to remember one in particular, against the notorious gerrymandering of electoral districts in 1981, and the ‘perverse result’ it produced. And yet, when their turn came, what did they do, if not exactly the same thing? Today’s electoral districts were decided by the PN before 1996, and to this day continue to give the ruling party a disproportionate advantage of seats in parliament. What this means, incidentally, is that unless the present system is reformed post-haste, the next election could quite easily result in a carbon-copy of 1981... only this time round, it would be the PN who would retain government despite losing the election.

ME: No way. Lawrence Gonzi would never hold on to power without winning. OK, he might not be perfect, but at least he’s honest. After all, isn’t that what Malta’s leading opinion formers and columnists keep writing all over the place? Especially those whose entire livelihoods seem to depend on the PN remaining in power indefinitely...?

GAN: Yes, but remember: even Mintoff said before the 1981 election that he wouldn’t govern without an electoral majority. In the end, he was overruled by his own Cabinet, and Labour continued governing for six whole years. The real issue is not what Gonzi would do if the choice were his; but rather what Gonzi’s party would allow him to do. Which reminds me: have you taken a good look at the Nationalist Party recently?

ME: No, I can’t say that I have...

GAN: I think you should, especially if you’re still toying with the idea of voting for them any time in the future. And mind you, when I say “the Nationalist Party”, I don’t necessarily mean its MPs, still less its ministers. I mean the quality of the people who are today rising through its ranks, and occupying serious decision-making roles. Look at these people for a second, and tell me... what do you see?

ME: Erm... a bunch of spotty little kids, mostly.

GAN: Exactly. Little children, but a few years graduated from the law course. You know the type: the ones who pretend to be adults by playing little political backstabbing games, and running dirty little SMS campaigns against the same people in whose company they would later publicly rejoice... The ones whose names never appear on any ballot sheet, but who do most of the spadework behind the scenes... mainly, to make sure that “their” people get all the top jobs; and even then, only to make sure that they themselves get all the perks.

ME: Yes, I think I know who you mean.

GAN: Then you should also know that some of these little hobnobbing goblins, who until recently were still playing childish pranks in certain nameless Birkirkara bars, now advise government ministers on matters of grave national import... and even, believe it or not, on government policy itself. Can it surprise anyone, then, that the country is in such a state? Just look at all the so-called “strategic decisions” taken by the Nationalist Party since Gonzi took over last year. The abortion smear campaign against Arnold Cassola. The brilliant decision to withdraw candidates from Zejtun and Marsa. What are these, if not hastily concocted, poorly thought out and clumsily executed strategems, devised not by seasoned political experts, but by little maggots of next-to-zero intelligence, and whose only concern is the party, the party, the party... and even then, only for what it can give to themselves, themselves and themselves? This, my furry-footed friend, is what the PN has allowed itself to become. A dark pit of bigotry and mediocrity, in which the ignorant and the uncouth are exalted to high office, while the intelligent and the deserving are stabbed in the back and even forced headlong out of the party. Or so, at least, I deem.

ME: Well, if that’s the extent of the problem, it sounds simple enough to solve. All you’d need is to get the intelligent members together, wrest control from the maggots, and hey presto! The party would be back on track. And they’ve got a full three years to do it in...

GAN: An ambitious plan, but I think you will find it a little hard to execute in reality. For one thing, these people may be tomfools, but they are not dimwitted enough to overlook the strategic advantages of owning and controlling their own media. Just look at all the people who recently wrote in to newspapers such as The Times – Victor Ragonesi, Frank Zammit, Manwel Borda... different authors, different articles, but the same overall concern: “I had no choice but to avail myself of your newspaper to express my frustration and dissatisfaction at the way the party is being run, etc. etc.” Why did they have no choice? Why did they not write to In-Nazzjon or Il-Mument? Why did they not request airtime on Net TV? I think you will find that much of what you used to ascribe to Labour – yes, even the Labour of Alfred Sant – holds equally true of the PN today. Criticise, and the gates of the party tower will forever be slammed shut in your face.

ME: Alas, that these evil days are ours! For if, as you say, the two parties are estranged to honest ways, and have grown alike in all respects, then what hope is left for the race of Men... unless it lies with those political halflings, Alternattiva Demokratika?

GAN: Well, as I myself once said on another occasion, “even the smallest can change the course of the future”. But there is a long road yet, and I fear that AD may also lose its footing before the end. For one thing, if they continue behaving like Orcs in public meetings... shouting ministers down, and acting for all the world as if they already owned the Ring of Power... then I fear they will only have Orcs for supporters in the long run. For another, if they insist on this harebrained scheme of theirs, and open their own party television station notwithstanding their own public opposition to those owned by other parties, then it would be the ruin of us all. Can they not see that such power will in time make them no better than the Dark Lord himself? It’s as I once said to a certain hobbit in the Shire, long, long ago: “Don’t tempt me, Frodo! Understand... I would use the Ring from a desire to do good... but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine!” But then, I also said that not even the very wise can see all ends... so who knows?