Lost in space? Dazed and confused? Dismayed and disillusioned? Well, who can blame you, considering that everything you were brought up to believe about the present administration of government (for instance, that it is “democratic”, that it “believes in European values”, and that it is trying to introduce a “new way of doing politics”, etc., etc.) has turned out to be load of bull? So without delay, here is your very own alphabetical (and incomplete) guide to coping with a political landscape that just seems to keep getting weirder and weirder. So sit back, pour yourself a Pan-Galactic Gargle-Baster, place your trust in the Guide... and whatever you do: don’t panic.

Archaeology: Obscure branch of science, concerned mostly with old stones and bits of worthless pottery, which routinely gets in the way of mega-construction and infrastructural projects worth several million liri (see also Progress).

Fortunately for the economic and social well-being of our nation, the Ministry for Bulldozing has come up with an ingenious method to ensure that important infrastructural projects are not interrupted by such trivialities as (for instance) the discovery of ancient, unique and irreplaceable Roman ruins.

Step 1: Bulldoze through any archaeological remains as quickly as possible, in the hope that nobody notices (NB: no permit necessary, as Ministers, unlike mere mortals, are above such petty constraints as “the law”);

Step 2: Bully anyone who tries to get in your way... especially if they belong to some obscure and utterly meaningless authority that the government created simply to give the impression that these activities are being “regulated.” (see also MEPA, Broadcasting Authority, etc.)

Broadcasting Authority: An utterly autonomous regulatory body responsible for local brainwa... I mean, broadcasting. To achieve this goal, the (currently non-existent) BA board is made up of individual members who are nominated by the respective leaders of the Nationalist and Labour Parties... both of which (by a huge coincidence, naturally) just happen to be owners and operators of their very own private television stations (see Pluralism).

Also by a huge coincidence, the BA has in the past been very tough with the national station, PBS – which is, of course, in direct competition with the two stations owned by the these two political parties (and which, let’s not forget, also nominated said board in the first place.)

Meanwhile, by another huge coincidence, the same BA has altogether ignored the absurd excesses of the stations owned by the parties which nominated its board... to the extent that the outgoing chairman actually described the situation as a “jungle”. (Strangely enough, however, the same chairman omitted to mention that the control and regulation of this “jungle” was supposed to be his job...)

And then by an even huger coincidence – arguably the hugest coincidence in the history of huge coincidences – the same board which was handpicked by the owners of Net TV and Super One went on to conduct an “independent” and “scientific” survey about the “sustainability” of other private stations... which, after consultation with the marketing managers of Net TV and Super One, came to the remarkable conclusion that “the market cannot sustain any new TV stations.” Well, what a surprise...

Constitution: Also known as the “highest law of the land”, the “supreme legislation” and “Tonio Borg’s personal pocket handkerchief”, the Constitution of Malta is a highly important document which serves one purpose, and one purpose alone: to muster instant groundswell support for the government the moment things begin to look a little hairy.

Education: As can be evidenced by even a cursory glance at the Cabinet, this is not a pre-requisite to hold high office in the Republic of Malta.

Foundation for Tomorrow’s Fools: About the only contribution to date from the Ministry for Education, the FTF was an ingenious exercise in providing state of the art educational facilities for future generations, as well as a bonanza of jobs and lucrative contracts for certain individuals hailing from (by the usual huge coincidence) the constituency of Zebbug.

Sadly for the minister concerned, however, the exercise did not exactly fool the Auditor General. Naturally, this automatically means that the A.G. must have had a “hidden agenda” (q.v.), and was consequently told to just shut up.

Gimmick: A word which, like most words coming out of the mouths of politicians these days, seems to change meaning depending on the agenda of the person using it.

For instance: when your favourite Justice Minister suddenly develops a morbid fascination with foetuses, and immediately embarks on a hasty, poorly-planned and (quite frankly) unnecessary campaign to entrench our anti-abortion laws into the Constitution (see also Lobby Groups, Constitution, Idiocy, etc.), this is hailed as a “bold initiative” aimed at “safeguarding human life.”

If, on the other hand, a third party – for argument’s sake, Alternattiva Demokratika – were to suddenly develop a keen interest in our archaic rent laws, and then embark on an referendum campaign which, if successful, would not only rectify a serious long-standing injustice, but also remove an obstacle to the development of an undistorted rental market... well, that is a classic example of a “political gimmick”.

Likewise, when a sizeable portion of erstwhile Nationalist voters transfers its allegiance to Arnold Cassola in the European Elections, you can bet your favourite pair of boxer shorts that the Leader of the Opposition will describe it as a “natural development” which is “consistent with the norms of democracy” and which also shows “the maturity of the Maltese voter”.

When, however, it is the Opposition leader’s own Malta Labour Party which experiences a similar fall-out, resulting in the birth of a break-away - sorry, “reject” - party, there is no longer anything “natural”, “democratic” or “mature” about it. Nope, it’s just another “political gimmick”, that’s all...

Hidden agenda: Something which all critics of the present government, no matter their arguments, simply have to have.

Intelligence: The hallmark and defining characteristic of the PN general secretary, Joe “Mensa” Saliba. In recent months and years, Mr Saliba’s more profoundly intelligent strategies have included:

a) Chickening out of the Marsa/Zejtun local council elections... a move which very intelligently betrayed the PN’s profound fear of revealing the extent to which it had lost support on a nationwide basis... and which, in the process, also achieved the highly intelligent aim of antagonising the PN’s own Zejtun and Marsa candidates, not to mention constituents.

b) Complaining about a “network of Laburisti” putting “spokes in the wheels” (barely two months after winning an election on the strength of campaign slogans such as “national reconciliation”, “to once more become brothers”, etc., etc.)

Lobby Groups: This being a free and ultra-democratic country, individual lobbyists and lobby groups of all shapes and sizes may enjoy easy and direct access to the government... not only to any ministry of their choice, but also to the Office of the Prime Minister. However, before attempting to persuade the government of the validity of their ideas, aspiring lobbyists would do well to learn the rules of engagement by heart.

Rule no. 1: the chances of a lobby group’s proposal being successfully adopted by the government are directly proportional to the advantages offered by said proposal to the political party which happens to be in government at the time.

Rule no. 2: the same chances are also inversely proportional to the necessity, sensibility and overall value of the proposal itself. (see also Constitution, Gimmicks)

MEPA: Short for “The Malta Environmental Pain in the... Arm”, MEPA has the unenviable task of regulating all matters related to building and construction. In practice, this means that all construction works now need “permits”... with the result that a simple household maintenance job (e.g., replacing one’s balcony, demolishing a dividing wall, or building a personal hunting/trapping hide on your roof) can take anywhere up to 17 years.

Naturally, however, when it comes to major construction projects essential for “Progress” (q.v) – for instance, the demolition of the Duke of Edinburgh Hotel in Gozo, among other 19th century edifices, to make way for nice, new housing project proposed by The Usual Speculators – your permit application automatically bypasses all the usual spoilsport boards and committees, and finds its way directly to the Grand Board of Head Honchos. Estimated time of permit processing? 12.3 seconds...

Pluralism: A system of broadcasting, utterly unique in Europe, whereby the two political parties in Parliament may generously arrogate unto themselves a couple of licences to own and operate their own private television stations... a luxury which is immediately denied to almost everybody else (see Broadcasting Authority)

Progress: The fine art of altering the landscape beyond recognition through an endless series of construction projects, always in the name of “economic advancement”, while in actual fact preserving a status quo whereby the nation’s wealth continues to be circulated among the same old people to the exclusion of all others.

Resignations: There was a time when a sudden spate of high-profile resignations (including Lino Spiteri, Alfred Mifsud, George Abela, etc.) had inspired a billboard campaign slogan which went something like: “You just can’t work with Alfred Sant.”

Interestingly enough, however, a more recent spate of resignations, including PBS chairman Michael Mallia, BOV chairman Joseph “Special F.X.” Zahra, and Sea Malta chairperson Marlene Mizzi, has so far failed to produce any billboards with the words: “You just can’t work with Austin Gatt...” I wonder why...

Values: That which immediately distinguishes Maltese politics from its evil, agnostic and secular European counterpart. Judging by the behaviour of our political leaders, past and present, typical Maltese “Christian values” seem to include:

a) Lying through your teeth about your political opponents... especially towards the end of the last pre-electoral debate, to ensure that the victim of your slander is unable to do anything about it before the election;

b) Lying through your teeth about the electoral system... ideally, in your final mass meeting, so that (again) the damage done is irreparable;

c) Lying through your teeth about any or all of the following: the price of crude oil, eco-tax on plastic bags, the profitability of buying large buildings in Brussels, the reasons for wanting to join the European Union, etc., etc.

e) Lying through your teeth, full stop.