Welcome to part two of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Government, the fourth best selling title to come out of Megadumbo Publications after Where Gonzi Went Wrong, Some More of Gonzi’s Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This Gonzi Person, Anyway?

Balls

Small, spherical objects essential for the game of Golf (qv). This in itself poses a few immediate difficulties in our national obsession with this noble sport, as it is widely known that balls – not unlike intelligence, vision and common sense (qv) – are not exactly what you would call overabundant in Malta’s House of Representatives.

Still, this general scarcity of small spherical objects is not, in itself, an insurmountable obstacle. For one thing, thanks to recent advances in medical technology, it is now possible to mass-produce genetically modified politicians, who – unlike the current crop of purely organic MPs – actually possess balls of their own. Until such time as these can be utilised, however, balls can always be imported from areas known to be rich in such resources... such as, for instance, the office of the outgoing Ombudsman, or certain recently resigned chairpersons of public (but soon to be privatised) corporations...

Common sense

Something which, despite the name, is actually on the point of extinction.

Crude Oil, International Prices Of

The price of international crude oil is one of the few things in life (apart from taxes, property prices and the diameter of certain Ministers’ heads) which always seems to be going up... reaching new peaks of $50, $55, $58, and (last week) $60 a barrel. As you can imagine, this can be very useful when it comes to justifying the introduction of (for instance) a 17 per cent surcharge for water and electricity... especially if you happen to be a political party which, when in opposition, had fought long and hard against the introduction of an all-but identical surcharge way back in 1997.

Of course, the fact that Malta has never, ever bought a single barrel of crude oil for $60 – or at any price for that matter, as Malta simply does not buy international crude oil, full-stop – is neither here nor there. And if you think otherwise, this means you’re a liar, a Labour Party apologist with a hidden agenda, a “nincompoop”, or all three. (see also Information)

Dead Babies

Apparently, what passes for “entertainment” on Maltese television in the 21st century. (See also Xarabank, Ramblers’ Association)

Garigue: Also known as “xaghri” (note: any resemblance to my own hairstyle is purely coincidental), garigue is a typical Maltese topographical feature, consisting mainly of rocks, stones and small, prickly thistles which somehow always manage to find their way into your shoes. Being uniquely Maltese, garigue enjoys “special protection” status (q.v.)... which obviously means that the moment it gets in the way of a hotel, a mega contruction project, or a golf course (qv), it is invariably and irretrievably destroyed.

Another aspect of Maltese garigue to be destroyed on a regular basis is its spelling... as can be attested by the golf course report published on Mepa’s website, in which the word is spelt garrigue throughout. (Presumably, the author of that document confused it with another, similar word with which MEPA feels altogether more at home: garrage)

Golf. Favourite sport of Lawrence Tiger Gonzi, who has become the first Prime Minister in Europe to place this sport higher on the list of national priorities than virtually all other concerns.

But onto the game. To play golf, you need to have balls (qv). You also need around 18 holes, a lot of land, and at least 200,000 gallons of fresh water a year. Fortunately, we live in a country which is blessed with an almost unlimited supply of holes – infinitely more than the standard 18, as your car’s suspension system would probably tell you if it could only talk. This leaves us with the teeny, weeny little problem of land... a problem which has fortunately been solved once and for all by Dr Gonzi himself, who has generously allocated 114 hectares of pristine, virgin land – in a beautiful, unspoilt area which just happens to be entirely outside the development zone – specifically for this purpose. As for the 200,000 gallons of water, in a country where water production accounts for some 17 per cent of electricity consumption... well, what’s all the fuss about? We’ll just build another reverse osmosis plant, and if all fails, we’ll slap another surcharge (look under Crude Oil, International Prices Of for further details)

Information. According to a popular saying (variously attributed to any number of noteworthy wits, including Benjamin Disraeli, Mark Twain and Jesmond Saliba), there are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.

However, this Guide is in a position to confirm that this statement is not entirely correct. In actual fact, there are four kinds: lies, damn lies, statistics, and Department of Information press releases.

Judicial Inquiry: Apart from being a cheap and highly effective way to simply bury any issue that may be a source of potential embarrassment to you or your government, calling for the occasional judicial inquiry can also be very helpful when it comes to attracting instant international praise.

Take the (purely hypothetical) example of a Prime Minister who orders an inquiry into (for argument’s sake) the savage beating of peaceful protestors at any of our luxury five-star maximum security detention centres/concentration camps (tick where appropriate).

As the PM who requested the inquiry, you are almost certain to be showered with instant praise by any number of European leaders... who (being European) will naturally assume that the inquiry in question was for real, as opposed to just another smokescreen to cover up for your Justice Ministry’s apparent inability to ever get anything right.

Of course, it also follows that the same European leaders who so publicly lauded you for the promptness of your action, will then go on to promptly forget all about the entire incident... as a result of which, they will never bother to follow up the issue, nor to question the fact that this hastily concocted inquiry of yours has spectacularly failed to reach any form of conclusion... SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS after the incident it was supposed to investigate.

Press conferences

It’s a strange old world, isn’t it? When, during press conferences before the 2003 EU referendum, opposition leader Alfred Sant used to regularly refuse to answers any questions deemed to be out of subject, he was widely criticised for being unfair and discriminatory, as well as for displaying disdain, contempt and scorn for the free press.

When, however, an apparently identical strategy is adopted by Austin Gatt (our very own Minister for Investments, Information Technology, Industry, Intransigence and all sorts of other things beginning with an I), you can rest assured that the same free press will suddenly find nothing even remotely objectionable about this kind of behaviour. Needless to add, there won’t be any petitions, either...

Ramblers’ Association

Rambling (not to be confused with the outdoor activity of the same name, which apparently involves picking one’s way through an assortment of hunting hides, illegal countryside developments, discarded washing machines, as well as the occasional proposed site for a golf course – qv) can be loosely defined as the fine art of speaking endlessly for hours, without actually saying anything of any significance whatsoever.

Needless to add, it is also one of the very few sports at which we, as a nation, excel (apart from rugby, snooker, tax evasion and fleecing tourists, for which we currently hold at least four world records.)

Anyway: although your typical Maltese rambler can waffle endlessly about any topic under the sun, there are three basic areas of specialisation among local professionals:

1) The Family Values ramble

Most often encountered on PBS during prime-time – you know, that part of the early evening just after the news, when other, less advanced TV stations tend to show this obscure thing called entertainment – this type of rambling normally involves a small panel of experts (i.e, two priests, one nun and a retired social worker), all of whom seem to agree which each other on everything, and who take turns to moan and groan about the demise of morality among teenagers, the rise of relativism, the unfair way in which people like themselves are criticised for routinely interfering in other people’s sex lives, and how the only solution to all our problems is to make the Church the centre of our existence. Zzzzzzzzz...

2) The RadicalRacialist Libertarian ramble

A relatively recent branch of rambling, this tends to take place exclusively on web fora and Internet chat rooms (for you see, not being priests, nuns or retired social workers, these people tend to find it hard to get onto chat-show panels these days...)

Anyway: in their rambles, these radical racialists will usually attempt to convince us all that we, the Maltese, are the only racially pure descendants of the original Proto Indo-European Aryans... that Malta is in reality the pan-dimensional spiritual centre of the known Universe... that the Holocaust never really took place... that irregular immigrants do not qualify for human rights, for the simple reason that they are not human beings to begin with... and finally, that being a radical racialist libertarian does NOT in any way mean that you are a fascist, a Nazi, or – perish the thought – racist.

3) The teleshopping ramble

Arguably the most imaginative form of rambling known to man, this involves the use of colourful, inventive and sometimes belligerent language, specifically designed to make you feel uncool or substandard if you don’t instantly place your order for that electric toaster, that set of stainless steel steak knives, or even a benile-batch which was Made in America – and which, by the way, will automatically increment your manhood by not one... not two... not three... but FOUR WHOLE BULSIERI! (Naturally, all these broducts are 100 ber cent guaranteed...)

Special Protection status

While it is a widely known fact that the vulnerable, the needy and the well-connected invariably enjoy the full protection of the State, the truth is that some categories are more protected than others.

For instance, among the wildlife to enjoy special protection in Malta, you will find this rare bird called the Stork (Cikonjus Maledettus Miskinus Tremendis)... around eight specimens of which were unceremoniously shot and killed last month alone. Hence, I suppose, special protection... for if that kind of protection isn’t special, I don’t know what is...

Xarabank

An informative and hugely unbiased discussion programme on PBS, Xarabank uses cutting-edge technological features such as televoting questions to tackle deeply controversial issues... for instance, the Eurovision Song Contest (Do you like Chiara’s outfit? Yes –551234; No – 551235; Who gives a flying angel? – 551236, etc., etc.)

Interestingly enough, however, when the topic of discussion involves something serious for a change... for example, a proposed amendment to enshrine hypocrisy in the Constitution, you can rest assured that the programme will not include anything as risky or unpredictable as a a televoting question. Instead, it will limit itself to presenting the results of a survey conducted at least two weeks earlier – i.e., at a time before any of the arguments against entrenchment were even raised – and in which the question asked is as woolly and non-specific as possible. (See also Dead Babies)