Malta, and to a much lesser extent Gozo, are slowly filling up with half families. We have gone from the huge Maltese extended family with an average of four children and a riot of cousins, uncles and aunts who all converge to the family home once a week at least, to the huge growth in numbers of the much smaller half family. 700 births last year alone to lone parents is a statistic which amazes me, especially as it has almost doubled in a mere five years!
Luckily as distances here are short, the half family in Malta (usually a mother and child or two or the daddy with same) can easily link up with the larger family network when need be, so that many children still feel the security that the extended family brings. In much larger countries, of course, this is often simply impossible and half families are, or can become, very isolated.
The parents of these half families have a more difficult task bringing up their kids, not least because there is a very strong, and perhaps sometimes too strong emphasis on the relationship between one parent and one child, and we all know that children do benefit from many relationships, not only healthy ones with both parents but simultaneous relationships with parents.
Of course there are positive things about the half family too. Decisions to do things can be taken easily and quickly when parents don’t have to agree. So many children are spending quality family time with separate groups, time with mum, time with dad, time with doting grandparents, but perhaps not having enough experience of how to handle the whole family group. There is also, inevitably for the parent who has less time with the child (usually the dad) the tendency to try and spoil, or impress so that usually the financially poorer other parent is made to feel he or she is not doing such a great job with the kids, particularly on the giving front which in our very materialistic society is becoming the be all and end all of everything.
Half families have a very tough time at birthdays, Christmastime and other holidays which perhaps families of nuclear households (or two up two down families) don’t always sufficiently appreciate. Who has the kids on these occasions and what happens to the lone parent who is left behind? Since the relationships of separated parents or of a single parent with the father of their child is not always great, it is difficult to have everyone together on these occasions, even though the kids would probably like it and benefit from it.
Only five or 10 years ago these kind of families were regarded as msieken. Now it is so very popular and mainstream, with few families having at least one half family within it, that it is far more accepted. We are still not very clear how to handle it. Some couples, and the female half particularly, are very threatened by these lone mums, and invitations become far less frequent than when mum had a partner.
Many women who have separated here have discovered how strong the boys network is, and how weakly supportive women are of each other. In more cases than I care to think about it is the woman who has been gently (or sometimes not so gently) dumped from a group of friends and the man has kept his group, with usually a much younger model of the female sex in tow.
Yummy mummies (ie mums who are as or even more attractive than women who have not yet had kids) are ok. Yummy mummies who are separated, or were never married are regarded as a total threat. Many men will be friendly enough to them as long as wife is not in tow. The attitude changes spectacularly though when wife is around. Somehow heavy flirting and more between couples who are married is accepted. (After all, if you flirt with my hubby today I can do the same with yours tomorrow) but flirting with unmarried or separated yummy mummies is beyond the pale.
Of course not all married couples are like this. Many do welcome half families with them as friends but they are the exception not the rule. The half family in Malta is usually headed by a woman. Many of them are the poorest households in Malta. No wonder so many married wives put up with so much infidelity and don’t go for a separation. The threat of being a half family is too much for most of them, particularly if they are well off and would lose their whole lifestyle, status and raison d’etre overnight. Whether they are happier is another thing altogether.
On thing for sure. The half family is here to stay and set to grow. Will we continue to isolate these families so that half families have no choice but to tend to socialise together to make up different wholes? It’s not the healthiest of situations for sure, not for the parents, and particularly not for the kids...