The disease to please is found far far more among women than among men. It is as much part of our psyche as it is of men’s to compete and to thrive. It is particularly prevalent in this Catholic Arab society of ours, where despite all the manifestations of female liberty as seen in our crop tops and crotch gripping jeans, men and their agendas still call most of the shots, and more importantly determine the bedrock of rules we all have to live by in the first place.
It also could explain why, the very few women who make it in public life can only succeed if their role is somehow seen as caring. Women ministers have been here, in education, health and social policy, but on the whole the worlds of finance, foreign affairs (not only in government) and the like are still male bastions, and will be for a long time to come.
Some do make it of course, but when they do there are always tales of remarkable commitment and sacrifice. The Minister for Gozo for example, who covers all areas for Gozo, is not exactly always praised for the fact that she is Gozo’s mini PM. She undoubtedly has to work harder than any man to keep her undoubted popularity, and the tales of her working hours with no one ever being turned away are practically legendary.
When Agatha Barbara was minister all you ever heard were comments about her looks, while the male politicians among us can sprout all manner of pot belly, bald head or whatever and somehow its all acceptable.
Lately when we all had to witness a very unfortunate stand off between Marlene Mizzi and her ex minister, the comments were largely about the former chairman of Sea Malta’s undoubted good looks and grooming which somehow or other made her words seem even more credible. Also unusually among Maltese women, Marlene does not seem to have this disease to please, so another topic was the fact that unusually a woman was standing up to a man, and not trying to placate him. There is no doubt in my mind that if Marlene were less attractive than she is, a few more might have shifted to Austin Gatt’s side, but as it was the sight of a good looking , intelligent and determined woman attacking on the defence rallied support to her cause. So obviously if you can use your looks properly there are some devastatingly obvious advantage to being a good looking woman too, as I know some of the beleaguered men reading this very much feel that it is women who call the shots increasingly in this society too!
Women have to be beautiful, nice , clever, hard working, and best of all ‘diseased to please’ in our culture, but it happens everywhere even in societies where women have had a far more equal role for decades. Jane Fonda the sex kitten turned sexagenarian (can you believe she is 67?) spoke about this disease to please in her autobiography. She captured our headlines and our hearts for 40 years, and undoubtedly her devastating good looks played major part in her influence. While today she spends time on caring causes like persuading teenage girls not to get pregnant, or teaching those who get pregnant young to be better mothers, she claims that her whole life was afflicted with this disease to please.
She tells us not only how she accepted three or more in a bed to please her husband, but that she even helped him get these other women to bed in the first place, anything in other words to make her man happy and to keep him. Just like most of the women I know here, or who we hear who are involved in wife swapping, sharing or similar do this not because they want to, but because they fear losing their husbands, their money and their status otherwise.
She claims her parents made mistakes rearing her which affected her whole life. “If you don’t have a parent or an adult, a teacher or a mentor who really sees you, really loves you... and says: ‘Yes there are things you do I don’t like but you’re fantastic, you’re good enough I love you.’ If that never happens to a child, the child assumes its her fault and tries to compensate for it” writes Fonda.
Perhaps there are lessons in this too, not to go on over pushing our kids and continually moaning at them as so many parents do if their grades aren’t what parents expect. Very often and saddest of all the parents who push most are the ones who didn’t push themselves when they were younger and somehow burden their kids with their own sense of failure. It’s so important with children to nurture them to feel like they are alright as they are, boys or girls of course, and so much here from our Matsec system to our over competitiveness in extra curricular stuff like football, dance and music is about creating failure, rather than enjoyment and fulfilment per se!
More dramatic still Jane Fonda writes: “You know I’m a very brave person. I can go to North Vietnam, (today she would have been challenging the Bush administration over Iraq) I can challenge my government, but I can’t challenge the man I’m with if it means I’m going to end up alone.”
Still there is hope. The new generation of Maltese girls have many shining stars, a lot of incredibly confident and self possessed young women who want to look good and feel good but who appear at least able to put their own agendas first too, or on a par with their partners. Hopefully too the new Archbishop will play a role in allowing women to succeed with her help of their male partners, and to forget this nonsense that women who want to fulfil their intelligence are somehow failed mums.
The disease to please is an affliction we have to wean ourselves off, and it would be nice to have a little help from those above, who are meant to lead by example to make this happen.