• The importance of young people having access to at least one adult with whom they can be open and free to ask questions and discuss matters

• The need for services targeting the needs of minors

• The importance of parenting, that is, knowing your children and what they are up to without suffocating them and/or giving them negative self-images as to ability and future

Summertime at our doorstep

What’s up with today’s generation? Summer is coming, along with the large number of festas, the influx of tourists, the club settings and the entertainment scene. With this in mind, I muse on how Malta’s young people are probably, by now, ritualistically preparing themselves for the long, hot summer days…and nights. With the recent emphasis on the abuse of alcohol and drugs I shall take the opportunity to look at the current Maltese situation in this regard and to provide some tips for young people and their parents.

The self-reported use of illicit drugs among adolescents, young adults and older adults in Malta is lower than most other European countries. The latest European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Other Drugs (2003) carried out, however, reported an increase in cannabis use among 15-16-year-olds since the last survey conducted in 1999. Moreover, alcohol is clearly the most commonly used substance among young people and the general population of Malta, with remarkably high percentages of recent use compared to other European countries (National Report on the Drug Situation in 2004, 2005).

Notwithstanding the wide range of resources that already exist in Malta, it seems that there is always more to be done and further areas of specialisation that need to be developed. Possibly as a result of more awareness, professionals, service users and the media often highlight a number of lacunae that may need to be filled. One tends to turn towards the government for such “new services” but, in this article, I would like to turn to each family unit and highlight the responsibility of each member of the family that debate also plays a large part in today’s situation.

How do parents contribute and what can parents do to support their family towards living healthy lifestyles? Parents often question how they can “get through” to their children. Some also show concern as to whether they are using the best approach for their children and worry that perhaps the way in which they are dealing with their kids may not be the “right way”. Yet what is the right way? Is there a right way after all?

The privilege of parenthood

What is sure is that parents are ultimately the privileged ones who are in a position to know their own children the most, to learn about their character, appreciate their talents and see their individuality. They are in a position to witness their child’s development – from a little toddler through to adulthood. The beauty of this is that parents have the opportunity to become specialised professionals in their children’s lives in the most subtle and natural way.

It is for this reason that parents hold so much responsibility in their child’s lives. When young children move into early adolescence, the time may be turbulent and difficult. It is a time when the child needs to move from dependency to autonomy and this requires the painful but crucial process of separation. It goes without saying that such a process many times results in never-ending arguments, in rebellion, frustration and perhaps solitude and isolation. Yet this is a necessary evil for a child to develop into a healthy adult. The story of Peter Pan is in fact a perfect metaphor representing such development.

“It was because I heard father and mother…talking about what I was to be when I became a man... I don’t want ever to be a man… I want always to be a little boy and to have fun. So I ran away… and lived a long, long time among the fairies.” (The adventures of Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie)

Attentive listening and good communication

A number of factors assist in fostering positive relationships between parents and their children. Some such factors include listening attentively to what the children have to say and showing them that they are being heard. Through active listening, parents can elicit a large amount of information while learning about many aspects of their child. Simultaneously, the parents would be giving the child the space and time needed to share his or her feelings, to open up and vent emotions.

During adolescence some parents feel that they have far less control over their children than they had when they were younger. They no longer hold much control over who their children are with, where they hang out, or what they are up to. Yet such concern is all a natural part of the package of development towards adulthood. Throughout this phase, getting to know the child’s closest friends, and meeting the parents of those friends, may help the parent to feel more in control of circumstances.

Listening also assists in knowing what the children are up to, who they hang out with, who their closest friends are and how they relate with their peers. By being attentive to who the children are spending time with, parents can gauge how safe or at risk their children may be. It is only by primarily knowing the child’s character, resiliency, values, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses and social life that parents can then find the best way to be of support to them as they grow older.

Healthy separation and individuation

Adolescence is a time in which the child is struggling toward autonomy and independence. Consequently this means that during this phase of separation, the child will turn away slowly from the parents so as to assume and pursue his or her direction, goals and dreams. Such a delicate phase requires understanding, patience, will, and the ability to let go – both from the adolescent’s and from the parents’ side. It is for this reason that finding the right balance between remaining available for the youngster, guiding him or her, and simultaneously giving the adolescent the space and privacy needed, is necessary so as to assist the child in becoming an adult.

As adolescence is a time of movement towards separation and individuation, youngsters do not always feel comfortable confiding with their parents. On the other hand, youngsters still have the need to turn to someone with whom to share what they are going through. Ensuring that the adolescent has a good relationship with another significant adult toward whom s/he can turn to (apart from the parents, for example a relative or a parent’s friend), may assist in minimising anxiety from the parent’s side during the process of letting go.

Such a process also means recognising and respecting the youngster’s individuality, hobbies and beliefs. By doing so, one would simultaneously be encouraging the child to be persistent in achieving what he or she believes in as an adult. The way in which a child values himself or herself, is many times a reflection of the messages received as a child. Praise, pride and positive recognition of the child’s abilities, talents and strengths – even at the most delicate time when the adolescent may become self-critical – would without doubt hold significant influence on how the youngster perceives himself or herself both physically, psychologically and socially.

It is with the parents’ love and support that young people can grow into healthy whole adults, so that they can, in turn, contribute to Maltese society with their own strengths, talents, values and beliefs.

“Wendy was grown up. You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will...” (The adventures of Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie)

Mikela Gonzi is Secondary Prevention Executive, sedqa. Agenzija Sedqa forms part of the Foundation for Social Welfare Services, which also incorporates Agenzija Sapport and Agenzija Appogg.

For more information on sedqa’s parental skills programme, one can contact the Primary Prevention Team on 2124-4226 or [email protected]. Further details about Agenzija sedqa and its services from www.sedqa.gov.mt and www.mfss.gov.mt.

Sedqa Helpline: 151, Appogg Supportline: 179.