I remember like it was yesterday.

I was 10 years old when I started to get this fixation about death. Before that age, dying was something that happened to other people not to my family.

I remember precisely the day mum and dad were talking about my late grandfather – and dad breaking up in tears over his loss. I guess my first encounter with death was as it should be: morose, desolation and a profound sense of loss.

It dawned on me then that the day of “reckoning” would come to each and every one of us. After grandfather died, the subject of “death” cropped up very often between my family and I. We spoke about terminal illnesses like cancer, leukaemia etc once in a while.

Even now, after all these years, I remember my mother telling my sister and I that if she ever had a terminal illness, she would not want to know otherwise through misery and heartbreak, her end would come sooner than expected.

Her wish was granted. Rather than tell her, I lied through the teeth when she was diagnosed with cancer. I begged the surgeon involved that if she did not ask a direct question, to please spare her the gruesome details of her illness. I thank the Lord that he complied.

The reason why I am writing all this is because the subject of whether the patient should know he or she is going to die keeps cropping up again and again, quite recently on Qalb in-Nies on Monday 11 September on TVM.

Too true, it is very simple to say what a patient’s right is and what isn’t, but what no one is taking into consideration is that only the immediate family of the terminally ill know the character of the individual involved.

While I do agree whole-heartedly that the surgeon has no right to lie to his patient, I find it merciless to state point blank to the patient that he will be “kicking the bucket” in a short while as if he’s telling him/her that he has nothing serious at all.

My mother, whom I will love eternally, whom I loved without any boundaries and barriers, died not knowing she had cancer a year after she was operated on. If she knew she was going to die, I know for a fact that her end would have come sooner.

I have no regrets about keeping mum (excuse the pun) because it was her wish. Hence, I beg those bearers of bad tidings that it is cold and cruel to directly tell a person he or she is going to die. If the surgeon in question thinks it is a patient’s right to know he/she has a terminal illness, it is also a patient’s right not to want to know.

Devastating news should only be given directly if asked. If not, the right should be given to the terminal patient’s family when they will obviously ask questions.

Valerie Borg

VALLETTA