God, I wish I could take a peek at the Police Commissioner’s desk-top planner for this week:
Monday – Issue a strongly-worded press release, condemning Birdlife Malta for once again daring to suggest that we don’t do enough to enforce hunting laws. (Don’t do enough to enforce hunting laws? After we increased the total number of officers in Gozo... from two to four? What cheek!)
Tuesday: Issue an internal memo, instructing officers not to press any charges for hunting infringements, but instead to simply file a report, and hope the whole thing will blow over by the next election.
Wednesday: Note – must remember to set a trap for that pesky mole who keeps leaking all our internal memos to the press...
* * *
While I’m at it, I’m sure the Prime Minister’s diary entries for this week would make fascinating reading, too:
Monday: Hid under the table in my office in Castile this morning. A group of hunters were at the door, claiming they would “litter the place with dead bodies” if I didn’t tell the European Union to just buzz off and leave them all alone. Damn it, where the hell is Richard when I need him?
Oh, I almost forgot. He had left me a set of instructions before leaving for Brussels. Now where did I leave it? Ah, here we are: “The Prime Minister’s Top Secret Guide to Handling Emergency Situations When I’m Not Around, by Richard Cachia Caruana (with a foreword by his side-kick, the very excellent Eddie Fenech Adami).”
Right, let’s skip the foreword, and go straight to... “Step 1: In case of blackmail, immediately give in to all the demands of whoever’s blackmailing you, without any exception whatsoever.
“Step 2. There is no Step 2. In, fact there are no other steps at all. THE END.
“PS: And if people get to find out about your spinelessness afterwards, don’t panic. You can always get the Department of Information to just lie about it later... ”
OK, sounds simple enough. Edgar? Are the hunters still out there? Then get me the Police Commissioner on the phone this instant!
Tuesday: What? Joe Sultana? Resigned? For heaven’s sake, why? Nobody ever used to resign in this country before. And now look at them. All dropping out like flies, one by one: John Dalli, Marlene Mizzi, Romwald Lungaro Mifsud, the entire MTA board... What the heck is going on?
Hang on a minute. Could this possibly be what Eddie meant when he used to talk about “a new way of doing politics”? At the time, I thought it was just one of those meaningless little electoral slogans we’ve always been so good at... you know, like “For a better quality of life”, or “Strengthening our future”, and all that nonsense.
But now I’m not so sure. Could there have been more to it than that? Like, people actually taking responsibility for their actions and decisions, instead of just... well... just carrying on the whole time?
And if this is indeed the case, then... whose responsibility was it to cave in to the hunting lobby, and yet again rub the environmentalists’ nose in their own utter insignificance? Was it Joe Sultana’s? Was it the Police Commissioner’s? Or was it (tick, tock, tick, tock)... MINE?
But no! What was I thinking? After all, Francis is still there, isn’t he? And if Francis can keep his position after all the ridiculous things that have gone wrong in his ministry, while everyone around him resigns instead... then surely I can do the same?
Wednesday: Oh my God, I completely forgot there’s a party general conference this weekend. Right: no need to panic, there’s still time. First off, I must get Edgar to write me a nice little speech. You know, the usual party delegate-rousing bit of fluff, full of sound and fury, and all that claptrap. Something about how we’re never afraid to take tough decisions, no matter how unpopular these may make us with certain sectors of society. How we always do things for the greater good, and never for our own immediate electoral advantage. Ideally, with plenty of references to my government’s three main priorities. That’s right, those three difficult words that begin with an “E”: “Education”, “The Economy”, and... what was the third one again? Ah yes, “The Environment”. Whatever that means...
And of course, lots and lots of Biblical references. But for heaven’s sake, not Exodus or Leviticus this time. How about some nice New Testament quotes for a change? Something like... “Let the little children come to me!” Yes, that should do the trick. (As long as the little rascals aren’t carrying guns. You never know these days...)