Footballers will, by their very nature, get up to some naughty things when they are not either playing or training.
They will go out drinking, gambling, clubbing and generally wasting the two commodities of which they have plenty – money and free time.
Obviously this ability to indulge themselves can have nasty consequences. There have been countless stars that have got in petty fights as a direct result of their over-indulgence and celebrity status.
Normally these nightclub brawls just result in a few cuts, maybe a black eye or a bruised shin. Never anything too serious but enough to incur their manager’s wrath and get them dropped from the side for a game or two.
Which brings me to Sheffield United’s Irish international goalkeeper Paddy Kenny. At six-foot-plus, with a shaved head and a mad glint in his eye, he is not the sort of person you want to tangle with after a night on the town.
Yet that is exactly what somebody did this week at a nightclub in the notoriously rough town of Halifax. But this particular bar brawl didn’t end up with any serious injuries, just the most stupid one I have ever heard of.
During the scuffle, Paddy had his eyebrow bitten off. Yes, that’s right, his eyebrow. Quite how anybody manages to have their eyebrow bitten off is beyond me, but that is exactly what happened to Paddy.
The incident, if it can be called such, has left manager Neil Warnock fuming. But, with a small squad, he has no real choice other than to play Kenny today against Manchester United.
So, all of you who intend to watch this mis-match of the Uniteds this afternoon, keep an eye out for Paddy Kenny, the magnificent, uni-browed shop stopper…
Mike Newell
Mike Newell is a lucky chap.
The normally placid Luton Town manager must have swallowed a couple of looney pills last weekend. First he went off on a sexist rant about female match officials saying they had no place in the game. He instantly apologised for this and it looked like the whole thing might blow over.
However, he then followed up this attack on the opposite sex with an even more astonishing attack on his own chairman who he described pretty much as being clueless about the club, permanently absent from the ground and, essentially, a muppet.
Newell was, understandably, summoned before the board for an “urgent review” of his latest comments. But surprisingly he got away with it and has only been reprimanded – the footballing equivalent of being made to stand in the corner of the class for the morning.
This leniency can only indicate one of two things. Either he is the best manager the club has ever had and firing him is unthinkable.
Or the directors agreed with his assessment of their chairman…
Peter Crouch
Peter Crouch has long been a favourite of this column for his ungainly style, lanky looks and generally failing to live up to the visual expectations we have of a modern day player.
Sadly, with him starting to realise his potential and prove that he is actually a darned good striker, there has been little or nothing to say about him in recent months.
Thankfully, that has all changed as the big man has now shown he also has a talent for coming out with some seriously silly quotes. Talking on television before the match with Arsenal, Crouch emphasised its importance.
“I wouldn’t say it’s a must win game, but it’s definitely a game we need to win,” he said, in magnificent contradictory style.
Surprising isn’t it, that a man of his extraordinary size is still capable of putting his foot in his mouth.
Having said that, Crouch is not alone in his ability to speak nonsense. This week he was joined by none other than Robbie Savage.
“I realise it was outside the box, but it should have been a penalty,” the tough midfielder told interviewers…
Chant of the week
Football chant of the week, sung by Aston Villa supporters during their last match: “There’s only Juan Pablo Angel, Juan Pablo Angel.”
Took me a while to get it too…
Ian Dowie
You have to feel tremendously sorry for Ian Dowie. The Charlton boss became the first Premiership casualty of the new season this week when he was unceremoniously sacked after just 12 games.
I can understand Charlton’s panic as being rooted to the bottom of the league with a quarter of the season gone is not an ideal position. But just 12 games? I think it is ridiculous for any manager to be judged after so few performances.
Dowie is obviously a talented manager. His achievements at Crystal Palace were magnificent – when he took over the side in the middle of a season they were fourth from bottom yet he managed to take them up to the Premiership through the play-offs that same year. And he was darned unlucky not to keep them there as well.
There were rumours of player unrest at The Valley and I am sure there is no smoke without fire. But I still say it is unfair to judge any manager on his achievements over three months of football.
Charlton, after a ‘review of the club’s structure’, have now replaced Dowie with Ron Reed, a man who begs the question “who?”
And somehow, I have a sneaky feeling this whole episode will come back to bite them in the place they look destined to finish this season – the bottom.
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