It’s that time of year where we get to make wild promises that we know will probably be long forgotten by the end of January.
New Year’s resolutions are admirable things if only because they prove that hope lives on eternal.
When we make these vows of self-improvement to ourselves and our loved ones, the intention is good but unfortunately the we get let down by the application.
And why should football be any different to normal life?
I am pretty sure that come tomorrow night managers involved in the beautiful game will be dreaming of ways they can improve their 2007s.
With that in mind, here is what I think they might just be saying to themselves as the clock strikes midnight…
Arsene Wenger (Arsenal)
“This year I will stop living in denial. I will finally admit that Thierry Henry is indispensable, my team is too young, Jens Lehmann does have an anger management problem and that we do, whether I like it or not, need to spend big in January.”
Martin O’ Neil (Aston Villa)
“I promise to spend Randy Learner’s billions wisely in the January transfer window and, if that means not to continue buying all my players from Celtic, then so be it.”
Mark Hughes (Blackburn)
“I will try to remember that there is more to football life than the UEFA Cup. Winning in Europe is nice, I will remind myself, but it will be of absolutely no use if we are playing Southend home and away next season.”
Sam Allardyce (Bolton)
“I will find my son Craig a job far, far away from football in an industry where his constant failings won’t make me lose out on the England job next time it is available. I will also grow back my charming and alluring moustache.”
Alan Pardew (Charlton)
“I will not make the same mistakes with Charlton as I did with West Ham. In other words I won’t lead them to promotion, a cup final and Europe and then get fired. I also will never, ever again say “yes!” when someone offers me a couple of world class players for free.”
Jose Mourinho (Chelsea)
“I promise not to accuse other team’s players of diving when my own are doing it all the time. I pledge to engage my brain before opening my mouth on all subjects. I vow to realise I am not that special considering I have spent several hundred million on players but still don’t have a team which plays attractive football. And, finally, I will stop talking about having two injured players as a major crisis considering I have a squad of 94, the vast majority of which are established world stars or regular internationals. I also promise to never again wave an imaginary yellow card at a referee.”
David Moyes (Everton)
“I pledge to try and drum it into Andy Johnson’s head that entering the penalty box does not automatically mean you have to lose your balance. I will do something about my outrageous hairstyle.”
Stuart Pearce
(Manchester City)
“I resolve to never, ever, ever place my faith in soft toys or any other type of fluffy mascot and, instead, try to make my team play better through the use of my own managerial skills. I will also try not to sell to Micah Richards to Chelsea in January even though I know I will.”
Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United)
“I promise to come to terms with the fact that neither Darren Fletcher nor John O’Shea are good enough for the first team. Or Doncaster’s first team. I also promise to stop hiding from the fact that Ryan Giggs is nearly pensionable age and, on that basis, will give up my fetish for buying left backs and buy a left winger in January.”
Gareth Southgate (Middlesbrough)
“I will take and complete my coaching badges before the board realises I am not a very good manager after all and that fighting to keep me in place against the Premier League rules is actually an utter waste of time.”
Harry Redknapp
(Portsmouth)
“No matter how strong the temptation, I will try my very best not to publicly praise Daivd James for having a fantastic season, just in case Steve McClaren decides he is worth recalling to the national team. I will also do my best to persuade the new chairman that, as we are now in the 21st century, it’s only fair that the away supporters at Fratton Park have a roof over their heads.”
Steve Coppell (Reading)
“I will try my hardest to not be such an anonymous manager that probably not even my own wife knows I am in charge of a Premier League club.”
Neil Warnock
(Sheffield United)
“I will try, maybe just once, to go through an entire match without exploding like a maniac on the touchline and embarrassing myself, my family and the club’s fans in the process. I will also give an entire post match press conference without blaming the referee for anything. And I will admit that Ade Akinbiyi is such a bad player he makes Andy Cole look like Ronaldinho.”
Martin Jol (Spurs)
“I will try to understand that if we ever have any pretentions of getting in to the Champions League, we will have to admit that the football world expands further than White Heart Lane and, as a consequence, we need to win away from home more than twice a season. I will also start wearing a hat to stop the floodlights shining off my head during night matches.”
Rafa Benitez (Liverpool)
“I solemnly swear that sometime during 2007 I will, of my own free will, play exactly the same team for three games in a row no matter how much I may want to rotate, rest or simply tinker with the line-up just for the sake of it. I will also come to terms with the idea that winning other trophies does not make up for the lack of league titles.”
Aidrian Boothroyd (Watford)
“I promise to try and come to terms with the concept that football, by the very definition of its name, is supposed to be played on the ground using feet. Heading is optional, not compulsory. As are long balls. And losing.”
Alan Curbishley (West Ham)
“I will not, no matter how much pressure I am under, play my Argentinians just for the sake of it. I will also not leave them on the bench every week just to prove that my first resolution is holding up. Finally I pledge to go easy on Charlton come the January transfer window and not buy all their best players. Just most of them.”
Paul Jewell (Wigan)
“Despite my pride at my heritage, I promise to try to tone down my Scouse accent so that the general public can actually understand what I am saying when I am interviewed on Sky. I will also try to persuade Emile Heskey to announce his international retirement, just in case.”
And, just for good measure…
Steve McClaren (England)
“I promise to try to stop making excuses for the appalling displays since I took over from Sven. I will stop playing Stewart Downing just because he has a left foot. I will have the guts to drop Lampard or Gerrard if they are not playing well. And I will admit that asking my players to play 3-5-2 when they have never done it before is plain stupid.”
I think that just about wraps it up for 2006. I would like to wish all readers a great New Year’s Eve and a prosperous and happy 2007. It’s going to be a good year.
Contact James on: [email protected]