According to Beverly Anne Musgrave, “empathy is the ability to tolerate the tension of being truly open to the experience of another, the ability to attempt actively to understand the subjective world of the other and at the same time to remain a differentiated person”. In this inspiring and intriguing definition, Musgrave presents an interesting movement that occurs in empathy: the caring response that is expected from the listener and the appropriate boundaries the listener is to hold when responding.

Empathy is essentially contradictory. One the one side it means putting one’s foot into the person’s shoes. On the other hand, it also means taking a healthy distance from the situation. It is kind of being and not being with. This implies a healthy tension within the caring listener. The crucial question revolves around the extent to which one is permitted to help. Here are some suggestions that might help.

The listener has to attend to herself or himself first. She or he needs to be aware of what she or he is going through in her or his own life. Preparing oneself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually before visiting is basic to create a space for the other, through the other in one’s heart. This awareness on the part of the listener is extremely important so that he or she can offer the best welcoming and warmest listening to the patient.

A caring listener is one who attends mentally to the person she or he is listening to. This means putting aside all distractions and immersing oneself into the mind-set of the other. By understanding the other’s point of view, the listener can attend emotionally to the patient who is speaking. The patient feels safe and accepted to vent out the anger, frustration and disappointment she or he might be having with God, with others and with oneself.

Feelings are royal doorways to spirituality. The listener’s silent acceptance of the “wounded storyteller” will eventually lead the latter to share her or his spiritual experience. The visitor spiritually responds to the patient’s burden by adopting a silent attentive presence. The listener can encourage the patient to intensify her or his own life ownership by inviting her or him to discuss what has been going on in her or his own spiritual journey.

To be an effective listener it is important to undergo some form of super-vision. Super-vision is a privileged moment whereby one befriends one’s personal capabilities that can be used within a pastoral visitation. Tapping into one’s own resources and offering them back in a gratuitous service is basically what real ministry is all about. Adding to this, through super-vision one becomes more sensitive to the goal of every pastoral visit: that of accompanying the other with Christ’s self-giving love.

As it were, genuine ministry widens and humbles the heart of the carer and transforms it into a sensitive, caring and humbling heart. The carer is a privileged guest treading carefully and compassionately on the “sacred ground”; the patient’s life. And the latter, struck by the former’s care, experiences the motherly and fatherly compassion, embrace and kiss of God in return (see Lk 15, 20). In this way, both the carer and the patient are personally and communally attended to by a physically attending God.

Fr Mario Attard OFM Cap

San Gwann