All this talk about the 2018 World Cup has got me thinking… and that’s something that doesn’t happen very often so let’s take advantage of it.
At this stage we still don’t know where the event will be held. England are desperate to play hosts but Sepp Blatter wants his manic rotation policy to continue and that could see it held in a small field in Madagascar “to promote the game at grass roots level”.
But wherever the venue, one thing is absolutely certain – it won’t be the same game it is today. Football is rigid in many ways but fluid in many others and I fully expect the intervening decade to have a profound effect on the beautiful game.
For instance by then I expect video technology to be in general use at all matches, the number of linesmen to be upped to four and teams to be allowed to pick their substitutes from a bench of 10 rather than five. Just simple things, but nevertheless things which will change the game we know.
However, these are rule changes and there is a limit to how many of those we can get through in a decade. The question is what will the wider world of English football be like then?
In an effort to answer this question I have once again taken a quizzical look into the old crystal ball to get myself a snapshot of 2018. Here are the month-by-month highlights.
January: After 94 different injuries, Michael Owen finally returns to full fitness. Despite nearing 40 he is relatively fresh having only played seven minutes of football in the last decade. He comes on as a substitute for Newcastle but lasts only 41 seconds before pulling a hamstring on a frozen blade of grass.
February: Sir Alex Ferguson announces that he fancies another couple of years at United in the hope that he can add another Champions League trophy to his collection and bring the total up to two. Manager-in-waiting Carlos Queiroz announces his decision to retire from football paving the way for the dream management team of Rooney and Ronaldo to take over when Sir Alex finally does quit.
March: West Ham sit proudly atop the Championship having won 35 league games in a row so far this season. It has taken them a long time to recover from the crisis of 2007 but new owner Alan Curbishley is delighted with the progress they have made under new manager Alan Pardew. Meanwhile, up in Newcastle Michael Owen manages another 1 minute and eight seconds before rupturing his groin.
April: Peter Ridsdale steps down as chairman of Cardiff City. In his 10 years in charge they have been promoted to the Premiership, challenged in Europe, spent millions on players and are now bottom of the Championship and heading for League One. He dismisses similarities with Leeds as mere coincidence.
May: Liverpool finally end their quarter of a century of hurt by winning the Premiership title. Manager Jamie Caragher makes an emotional speech after clinching the league but, sadly, hardly anybody understands a word he says as it all comes out in pure Scouse. The FA Cup final is a close affair which goes to penalties before Accrington Stanley eventually beat Arsenal 5-4. It was all the liar linesman fault, according to Arsene Wenger.
June: England exit the World Cup at the quarter final stage for eighth tournament in a row. The defeat is made all the more painful by the fact that it comes against a Germany side coached by a certain Sven Goran Eriksson. Steve McClaren finally resigns. France go on to win the tournament beating Italy in the final at Old Trafford. Manager Zinedine Zidane says his players were “head, butt and shoulders” above their opponents.
July: Stuart Pearce is appointed England manager despite overseeing Manchester City’s relegation from the Premier League to non-league football in straight seasons. The FA insists his appointment is all to do with his spirit and passion for the game. And that penalty he scored against Spain. And the fact that he is available on the cheap.
August: Chelsea win the Community Shield for the 12th time in a row. They parade the cup back at Roman (formerly Stamford) Bridge. In a moving victory speech, manager Andrei Shevchenko pays tribute to former boss Jose Mourinho who died a few years earlier in a freak oil rig accident while in Moscow.
September: The English government still refuses to allow football stadia to re-introduce standing sections. A petition signed by a million fans with numb bottoms is sent to Downing Street but to no avail. Up north, Owen snaps his medial ligaments putting on his shorts before his comeback match.
October: Despite making his 500th league appearance for Arsenal, 28-year-old Theo Walcott has still not scored a Premiership goal. Arsene Wenger insists he will keep on protecting the whiz kid for as long as it takes him to settle in to life in the top flight.
November: Teddy Sheringham finally admits it may be time to hang up his boots for good. “I realised it could be the end when I heard the boos from my own fans. That might not have been so bad in itself, but four of those booing were my own grandchildren.”
December: New, new Wembley is finally ready. Builders Muliplex apologise for the 10 year additional delay but insist they were not to know they didn’t have planning permission for the original building they finished in 2007 which they then had to demolish again. “We’re just sorry we missed that whole World Cup thing,” a spokesman for Muliplex said, “this place would have been ideal for that…”
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