One needs a licence to drive. One has to attend driving lessons, learn traffic regulations and pass a test; only then one is licensed to drive. This system of licensing – or graduating – applies in various other sectors whether as a hairdresser, a doctor, an electrician and so on.
None will contest the relative ease with which one can generally have children. But parenting is a different matter. That is the work. Let me stress: all parents make mistakes; some make less. None will contest that parental skills are necessary. None will contest that bringing up children is a (nay, the) most important role parent/s have, that it is an essential contributory building block in a society.
Yet parenting is not scientifically, methodically, consistently, institutionally taught in our society. There are no licences issued. By comparison other occupations, say “hair dressing”, is given a more important status.
What will parents learn? Bringing up a child requires different skills of varying importance. Learning and practising them together also helps the parents as a couple. The parent’s patience is tested to extreme limits: so are its problem solving and teaching abilities. Whether these are required to deal with a child’s fever or tantrums or helping in his schooling; in being patient with the child when all things go awry, and in imparting to the child values that will stand him in good stead throughout his lifetime. Even simple manners as “good morning”, “good evening”, “thank you” and “please” are often inexistent – and visibly more so from public officers or individuals giving service to the general public. Personal considerations overtake public ones. Woe betide anyone who asks a car driver talking to somebody in the middle of the road to move on or pull to the side: road manners in general are sadly lacking. Often might is right. The list worsens: drugs, thefts, alcoholism, indiscipline... some have their priorities all mixed up.
Is there the need to then enquire what parents teach (by example or otherwise) their children! Take a look at sport nurseries! Ask the schoolteacher. How is it that a child – or his parent – punches the teacher? One apt question is “Il-Malti hu edukat?” (Is the Maltese person educated?) – and of course the word “edukat” does not refer to academic qualifications. Each person is able to answer that question.
All the above negative traits are not solved by good parenting only. But surely good parenting helps. Parents may think they know all the answers – or may not even care about knowing them. But there are some who do not know all or any of the answers to the situations they face daily. And it is this aspect that our society has to provide for.
The main thrust of this article is on the education parents impart to their children.
I feel that basic civic education and instilling a sense of ethics and good moral values at family level is lacking in some strata of society. Of course – happily – this is not universal. However, our general standard can (and must) improve as this will ameliorate our quality of life: it will also make Malta a more attractive place for tourists.
Parents pass on to their children – for better and alas for worse – what they have themselves learnt from their family, school, friends, and so on. If there are cases – and indeed there are – that are in a vicious circle, it is not being broken. Parents pass on to their children a stamp, which is life long. While parental skills that must be learnt are wider than teaching children decent moral values, a civic sense and good manners, these aspects are essential in one’s proper upbringing: in shaping better citizens for the future. Of course this need of teaching proper parenting in these sectors leads to a wider issue. Education must not only be at home. It must be at schools; by example; in all media, local councils and so on. Such practically inexistent education campaigns taken at a national level must be never-ending.
Our society places enormous stress on academic teaching, with the usual textbooks and curriculum. This is very important but it is not the most important. The parents’ educational role from birth to childhood through to adolescence is the most important. Yet this role is not found in textbooks. This educational process is not taught professionally and scientifically to would-be parents. Parents must first be taught – (and the general non-specialised education they receive is not enough) – how to cope with various situations and how to ensure that they are raising the “ideal” citizen. Would-be parents learn from their parents (and from their general experience) how they should cope with their children. We are all aware of the end result. In some cases, it is not very pleasant or encouraging.
This is what our politicians have to change.
Given the above I imagine few would contest that there is more than ample room for improvement in the general level of education of parents. With this premise I dare say that there should be courses for prospective (or post) parents. For the past 50 years the Cana Movement has held highly recommendable courses for prospective couples. The subjects discussed are wide-ranging and practical and include the couple’s inter-relationship and “responsible parenting”. The Education or the Social Services Department should do likewise for would-be parents. Indeed these could be undertaken in conjunction with the Cana Movement. I am convinced that enormous feedback will be received, which will indicate to the educators the present educational level of would-be parents. This process will in itself be a learning curve. With the effects such a course would have on parents and subsequently on children, such teaching should produce positive results.
Would such courses be compulsory and what if these are not attended? The State can as a last resort impose certain penalties like for example the loss of children allowance. However, the carrot approach is preferable.
This is not a cry in the wilderness; it is a simple heartfelt echo of similar preceding cries by prominent and well-meaning individuals including Sonia Camilleri and Sandro Spiteri. It is still despairingly in the wilderness. This process is long overdue. The effects of this great lacuna are now being felt more than ever (suffice it to read the law reports in the press!) and it is the sacrosanct duty of the government and other NGOs to fill the void. Otherwise the void will spread and suffocate.