The life of an alcoholic is not easy but not many people realise what a traumatic experience it is for the family *ALISON FARRUGIA tells

Juan Ameen

Mrs Farrugia explained that she had been with her husband for a very long time – “almost a lifetime”.

“We started going out when we were 13 years old and we got married when I was 19. Even at that time he used to drink large quantities of alcohol,” she said.

Mrs Farrugia said her husband was a completely different man when he drank. “When he was sober he was a man of few words – he rarely spoke. However, when he started drinking there was a transformation similar to that of Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde,” she said.

“He never drank when he was working and I give him credit for that. However, I thought I could change him or that the drinking would stop once we were married but I was mistaken. You can never really change a person unless he or she wants that change.”

Mrs Farrugia said even her father was an alcoholic. “Many people might be surprised and wonder why I still went ahead and married my husband. However, I was told that subconsciously you go for someone you feel comfortable with,” she said.

Mrs Farrugia mentioned the common expression whereby women find partners who are like their fathers while men find partners who are like their mothers.

“Subconsciously you look for someone who is like your parents,” she said.

She explained that her husband started going to Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meetings about 15 years ago and had stopped drinking.

“However, soon after we went to a wedding and all hell broke loose. I will never forget that wedding – for many reasons,” said Mrs Farrugia.

In the 1990s Mrs Farrugia started separation procedures. “As I walked into court I said a prayer and placed myself in God’s hands. It was His will that we remain together,” she said.

The situation continued getting worse for another 14 years until Mrs Farrugia decided to put her foot down three years ago.

“He used to drink two-litre bottles of wine as soon as he came home from work during the week. In the weekends, he used to resist until around 11am then easily drink up to five-litre bottles of wine a day,” she said.

It is difficult for people who are not in the same situation to understand how powerful an addiction to alcohol is.

“It is a disease – only those who suffer from it know how strong its pull is and it is a living hell for those who live with them,” she said.

Alcoholics become chronic liars and experts at hiding the alcohol in the most unimaginable places.

“If while I was out shopping or running errands he would finish a bottle of wine he would pull out another one from a hiding place, such as the water pipe, and hide the empty one instead, so that I wouldn’t complain about his drinking. However, what used to hurt me most was his complete denial when I asked him if he was drunk – especially when it was obvious,” she said.

“I told my husband that I had had enough. This cross was too heavy for me to bear – it was pushing me into the ground. I told him that even though I had taken my marriage vows and promised to stick by him through the good times and the bad, I was getting tired and couldn’t take anymore.”

At that time her eldest daughter, who is married, told her mother to come and live with her.

“I started crying because of the kindness of her offer but I told her that I did not want to be a burden to anyone.”

Even her husband seemed to be fed up and tired of the situation.

“My youngest daughter was going out with a man who knew a social worker with Agenzija Sedqa. He asked my husband if he wanted to be helped and that he could put him in touch with someone who could help him. He was fed up of the situation – he was trembling so badly that he could barely hold the glass of wine to his lips,” said Mrs Farrugia.

With the number in his hands, he called the social worker.

“He made it very clear from the start that he did not want to follow a residential programme but was ready to do everything else. Thankfully we started going to the meetings and he has been sober for the past three years,” she said.

Mrs Farrugia stressed that they will not stop going to the meetings – no matter what happens.

“I had a lot of anger bottled up inside me – and so did the children. Sometimes I felt like hitting him or banging his head against a wall.”

However, she said, the anger started to lessen once they attended the meetings.

“We both changed. My anger began to go. If you had to ask me what hurt me or what made me angry I will tell you that I can’t remember anything in particular,” said Mrs Farrugia.

Even her husband began to change. “He became more open to dialogue and learnt how to express himself.”

Mrs Farrugia showed me a grinning Buddha statue made out of wood with tears in her eyes. “One day he came home with the Buddha as a gift. He never gave me any presents and this present touched my heart,” she said.

It was not easy for their two daughters too. “When my youngest daughter was angry with him she would not speak to him for two days – unlike myself and the eldest. He would tell me that he was really hurt with her attitude and that she kept him at a distance,” she said.

However, attending the meetings was not enough. “I will not have any form of alcohol in the house – not even for cooking or for guests,” said Mrs Farrugia.

“It is not as easy as most people think – not keeping alcohol in the house is not enough. Alcohol is used whenever there is a social gathering and even in cakes and sweets,” she added.

Mrs Farrugia said that in the first Christmas when her husband was sober they went to her sister-in-law for tea.

“She served Christmas log – a sweet that usually has alcohol in it. My husband took a bite and spat it out and her face went white. The next Christmas she made a Christmas log just for him – without any alcohol,” she said.

“In the beginning we would not go out to meet friends or to weddings – because it was easier for him to stay away from temptation.

However, she said that she does not have any regrets because she said she was all out there to support him.

She added that he is still afraid of falling off the wagon but that they have learnt to live day-by-day.

“After all those years together, he is your other half – whether you like it or not,” she said.

One of the things the Farrugias learnt at the meetings is how important communication is. “He learnt to talk about his problems. If he does not want to speak to me I still encourage him to call the social workers at sedqa and speak to them. If sometimes he is feeling a bit under the weather, even the act of calling the social worker helps,” she said.

Sedqa’s Alcohol Community Team provides personalised services to individuals and their significant others who are experiencing some form of alcohol-related and gambling related problems. Services offered by this team consist of a help-line, information and advice, intake and assessment, outreach, crisis intervention, support counselling, advocacy and aftercare and social re-integration. Such services are delivered both through home visits and office-based intervention. For more information about sedqa’s services contact sedqa Helpline 151, or visit www.sedqa.gov.mt, or call sedqa Alcohol Services on 2142 1814.

* Assumed name