Despite having his “love handles” airbrushed out of a photograph in Paris Match while claiming that he had no time for Winston Churchill, as he was fat, le petit president is still worth a few words. With a burst of energy on all fronts the pint-sized leader has caught the eye since coming to power. With a belief in free market style Thatcherism, the little man has set about every aspect of French government with the intensity of Napoleon. He intends to de-Marxify France at home from being a kind of luxury and snobbish Soviet Union while challenging Germany’s dominance of the European Union and taking advantage of the cooling of relations between Britain and the US. Initially, things seem to be going well.

French business confidence is looking up while unemployment reached a 25-year low in July. On the foreign front too France is flexing its muscles with Sarkozy campaigning to bring the European Central Bank under political control so that something might be done about the strength of the Euro harming French exports. Moreover, as US alarm grows about Gordon Brown’s distancing himself from US policy in Iraq, it should be noted that little Nick enjoyed a private casual lunch with the Bushes this summer at their holiday home whereas Britain’s chubby Prime Minister was only granted a suited meeting at Camp David. But it is early days. The new midget Bonaparte is already getting on the nerves of Angela Merkel who has let it be known she doesn’t like being kissed by the little Frenchman. Frankly, looking the way she does she shouldn’t be complaining and should accept any kiss she can get. However, she leads a German government that has become all too used to the French being their poodles. This could even lead to Germany opposing the usual French assumption that EU rules are meant for the likes of Malta to obey rather than them. France is famous for expecting others to conform to EU regulations while deciding to ignore any that doesn’t suit it. France under the spotlight in this regard could face the financial and human cost of compliance. And in the end even the rather dim Fat Controller in Britain might just wake up to see the folly of letting the famous but faltering special relationship between Britain and the US fall further and let the French into the resulting vacancy.

However, Super Midget’s biggest test will come in the autumn when the perfectly lawless French unions come face to face with his necessary but harsh reforms and so we will see a titanic clash of wills. Will the President cave in as the unions anticipate or will he succeed where all post World War II French presidents have failed and so become capable of filling Mrs Thatcher’s pants after all? We shall have to wait and see.

However, in the meantime, it has been announced that the French police are investigating claims that little Nick, when mayor of Neuilly, a desirable suburb of Paris, bought an apartment there for just £600,000 from a local building company while the true market value was nearer £1,000,000. And now the pint-sized emperor has been caught carrying around current love letters among his Cabinet papers. Oh well nothing too squeaky clean Thatcherite about the tiny Napoleon after all. Churchill might have carried some extra pounds but unlike le petit Bonaparte he didn’t carry around those kind of skeletons in his back pocket. No wonder the wee Frog admires JF Kennedy and ‘Dick’ Clinton instead.

Secret club sensation in the Silent City

Closer to home a secret drinking club for housewives in Mdina remains shrouded in mystery, despite the best efforts of the silent city’s residents to unearth what is going on. Apparently, the “Bubbles Club’, as it is known, has a membership only open to women. They gather once a month at a member’s home. There they consume at least one bottle of champagne each while telling rude jokes and complaining about their men folk. These meetings can run into the early hours and often end with drunken women chasing after any unfortunate male tourist they can find in the deserted streets around Bastion Square. Local residents are said to be very disturbed.

Little else is known about the club and the membership list remains a closely guarded secret. However, it is believed that it does have an international flavour with England, New Zealand and Yugoslavia being represented.

Rumour also has it that women wishing to join are forced to strip off and run naked three times round St Agatha’s Esplanade while holding two vanilla scented candles. Why? Your guess is as good as mine but I’m told in some cases it can be quite a scary sight.

Please e-mail the Mdina mayor or me if you can throw any light (candle or otherwise) on this intriguing subject before Dr Santa Claus tries to make an election issue out of it. This could force the Gonzo Dog Do Da Band government to impose a curfew after 9pm in the hope of nipping this nasty little scandal in the bud and that would be bad news for those law abiding monks whose only pleasure in life is to visit the convent after dark.

We are offering a bottle of bubbly to anyone who can expose these naughty girls and thus restore silence to Mdina.