Flying pigs attack good old Gonzo’s tourism plans

When in Mdina I take lunch most days at either the Ciappetti or Il Gattopardo restaurants. As I sit there tourists very often engage me in conversation. They are envious when they learn that I live in Mdina. Nearly all of them think the “Silent City” is magic. However, asking them about the rest of Malta is a dangerous thing to do if one wants to continue with a quiet lunch.

An unhappy majority will launch into an angry list of reasons why they will never return. If they are staying in Qawra, St Paul’s or Bugibba they usually complain about staying in filthy hotels that are situated on building sites with inedible food and surly staff. But even if they are staying in one of the island’s better areas and hotels they will still bend your ear about how the streets are full of rubbish and smelly drains, that there are deserted houses and unfinished buildings everywhere, how Valletta looks beautiful from a distance but is a dump once you are in it, that the island’s heritage is being allowed to disappear under horrible new construction and that what country side is left is littered with discarded cars, fridges and cookers.

I point out that while undoubtedly some of this is true they must remember that Malta is a working island and that the Maltese people are both honest and likeable. They all agree before stating that nevertheless these aren’t the only qualities they were looking for when spending their hard earned cash on their annual holiday.

Many think Malta is more likely to be awarded the greatest nightmare holiday destination in Europe rather the most exclusive and none believe in the Gonzo Dog Do Da Band government boast that indeed it will be the latter by 2015.

Of course, there may be some of you reading this who might think that they are all just moaning tourists who would complain wherever they holidayed and that they are plenty more where they came from to be fleeced. You are entitled to your view – but my advice is keep your head down anyway as I would hate you to be hit by flying pigs – because you clearly believe in them as well.

Even a giant

can’t

help a

minnow in Heathrow

In the last two years I have made some 130 flights all over the world. Many of these have been on Air Malta and mostly, although certainly not exclusively, to Heathrow.

During this time I have noticed a considerable improvement in Air Malta. The in-flight food, which was disgusting, has improved, as has the in-flight service. However, while time keeping to other airports, such as Tunis, Rome, Marseilles and even Gatwick is acceptable, time keeping at Heathrow is scandalous.

Moreover, the later in the day your flight the worse it gets.

Obviously I realise that security, thanks to Islamic extremists probably brought up in Birmingham, is cause for constant concern. However, Heathrow has been described to me by several people as being “voted the worst airport in the world”.

I do not know where or by whom but I do know why. It is far too busy, far too greedy and not enough respect is given to the miserable public by a staff that is robotic and too busy running an airport to remember that it is the public who pay their wages.

The advent of Terminal 5 will only make this worse.

However, this experience is made more awful if you travel on a small airline such as Air Malta.

This has nothing to do with the airline. In fact thanks to the considerable skills of the wonderful “giant” Mario – “our man” at Heathrow – it would be fair to say everybody gets “gold card” treatment with Air Malta. But, once aboard things are very different.

Why is it that my BA flights take off nearly always on time and yet my Air Malta flights sit in queues on the tarmac watching BA flights take off? Why is it that my BA flights circle for a few minutes and then swoop in to land while my Air Malta flights go round for ages?

It’s called clout – and at Heathrow BA has it and little Air Malta doesn’t. I’m sure BAA and BA and even Air Malta will deny this but my extensive experience cannot be denied.

I have a challenge for you Dr Gonzi

Like most of us I am sick and tired of reading the frequent and well-researched articles about the atrocious state of Valletta.

We clearly need human regeneration and across the board education here as much as building refurbishment. The Prince of Wales has said for years that if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day but if you teach him to fish you feed him for life.

He is right. So Prime Minister I challenge you to meet me. I have worked for the Prince’s Trust and will launch a regeneration charity scheme here and want you to match every euro I raise with one from the government. Let’s show the rest of Europe how it can be done. I will be in touch sir to explain my ideas.

Star pupil becomes a father at 14

Star schoolboy, David Milliband Minor aged 14½, who was appointed British Foreign Secretary by the Fat Controller earlier this year to keep an eye on the murderous dwarf Vladimir Putin, has taken another step towards manhood. He fathered a child recently and even saw it born despite fainting three times.

When asked by Baroness Thatcher if he wasn’t slightly young for this kind of thing the tiny pin-up, who will take his GCSEs in 2008, replied that he was only trying to keep up with the New Labour policy of getting every girl “with a bun in her oven by the time she was nine”.

Heather Mills McCartney later claimed to be the mother of his child despite the fact that she hadn’t been pregnant, had never met Milliband and was a virgin. She added that she intended to sue the British government for £50 million for child support and the mental trauma of having sex with a minor who she now understands wasn’t a millionaire.

Is Gozo

breeding parking

wardens?

Recently, on a pleasant Monday morning just after 10 o’clock, I was parked outside McDonald’s in Victoria. Idle curiosity made me question who on earth has to stuff their face with a ‘Big Mac’ that early in the day? So I observed and counted. My survey revealed that over a 20-minute period there were no men, no boys, one mother, her chubby daughter and 14 teenage girls – most of whom went in fat and came out with cheeks bulging and looking even fatter. Is it around there that the Maltese traffic warden is exclusively bred?

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