Dr Gonzi – you have a second chance don’t waste it
Warmest belated congratulations to Dr Gonzi. As the election approached I thought that a “1992 John Major” was still possible and so it proved. Perhaps, as then, Labour lost this election rather than the Nationalists winning it. Either way, it has been a lucky escape for the people of Malta and a wonderful second chance for Dr Gonzi. I hope he grabs it with both hands and disassociates himself from the corruption that clearly dogged his last administration and which could have so easily cost him the election. Many sensible people in Malta have learned that socialism doesn’t work - but Dr Gonzi, nevertheless, came within a whisker of losing his job because of the corruption within his party. Let’s hope he looked in the mirror during those anxious hours of waiting for the result and made a pact with God that if he had a second chance he would dedicate it to the totally legal and fair government of the people this time.
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How much extra discount should Air Malta’s frequent flyers get?
I’m the first to admit that I would rather have an affair with a 10-ton Tess from Malta’s parking warden pool, go skiing in Scotland, have dinner with Heather Mills McCartney, go to market in the back of a pig truck, or even go flying on the back of Hillary’s broomstick to Whitewater – than fly with one of the low cost carriers, where the public might be excused for thinking that they were queuing up for a free ticket to a gas chamber.
Equally, I’m the first to recognise the effort Air Malta has put into improving its once horrendous cuisine and have always been extremely grateful for the considerable work ethic and skill of the wonderful giant Mario on behalf of Air Malta passengers at the world’s largest concentration camp known as Heathrow. Indeed, I have previously commented as much in this column. And of course, I realise how very hard it must be for regular airlines, such as Air Malta, to compete with low cost carriers which think that low fares entitle them to treat their customers like immigrants attempting to enter Malta illegally.
Nevertheless, I have to say that sometimes I get the impression that Air Malta’s idea of rewarding the loyalty of its frequent flyers is somewhat mystifying. I usually fly the Maltese Cross around eight times a month on my travels around the world – mostly to and from connections at the cesspit Heathrow. As a result, I’m forced to deal with Air Malta’s new and inconsistent Heathrow handlers Alitalia who appear to invent new rules weekly before rudely changing them the next. The space onboard is now so cramped that I’m typing this article with my keyboard at a 45 per cent down angle while breathing in the fumes of the lady breaking wind in front of me. And why oh why does Air Malta imagine that I wanted to see The Devil Wears Prada four times in January? Worse, why did they put A Very Good Year on so late on 3 March that they had to fast forward the last 15 minutes into three, much to the anger of those passengers watching?
Come on guys! I know the airline business is tough and that nobody gives a Dodi Al Fayed anymore about the poor, long-suffering public but it seems to me that some of these genuine complaints are fairly low cost to fix. I mean, I realise of course that you can’t control the breaking wind habits of your clientele but one outward and incoming film a month and then forgetting to put it on? Or asking your Heathrow handlers to be consistent and polite? And what about occasionally upgrading your frequent flyers to your ever more empty business class seats on full flights. Up at the front of the bus there is nothing that is that more costly to you to justify the extra price you charge us for the privilege of seating there. Perhaps that is why those seats are nearly always empty? On the other hand, if I had been upgraded then at least I wouldn’t have had to write this piece upside down while being gassed and would have felt that my custom was valued.
Either reward us properly or give us an extra discount is my advice. I look forward to hearing from you.
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How kind John – even if a bit of scrambled thinking got you confused
The Malta Independent on Sunday is blessed by many readers who bother to write in frequently to cast their pearls of wisdom in the direction of us journalistic swine. Of course we are all very grateful for this so it seems slightly churlish of me to pick up one frenetic letter writer, John Schembri, on a few points of inaccuracy – especially given his generous publicity for the great book Charles – The Man Who Will Be King, which was freely given before we all got caught up in election fever.
Don’t get me wrong John, old boy, I’m delighted that you should bother to give up one week of pontificating against poor old Dr Sant in order to help further the sales of this wonderful literary experience. However, for the sake of accuracy please forgive me for correcting one or two points:
1. I have never referred to Malta as an “ex-British Banana Republic” but I did describe Britain as the “New Labour Banana Republic of Great Britain” on 9 December 2007.
2. It seems slightly odd that poking fun at world leaders is, according to you, “unacceptable in today’s civilised world”, whereas the respected Ms Arafat accepting a handsome pension from a regime which is directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of Palestinians and Israelis isn’t. But then John, dear old thing, as they say, it takes all sorts.
Having put that right I fully acknowledge that I remain in your debt and if you send a stamped addressed envelope to the editor I’m sure we will be able to send you a signed copy of “a bloody good read”.
[email protected]
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The UK mourns the late Mr Andrew Common-Sense as he finally succumbs to the latest bout of socialism
An old friend from the UK e-mailed me this week to say that Mr Andrew Decent Charles Common-Sense had finally passed away. His official obituary reads as follows:
“Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Andrew Common-Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were lost on a government CD containing 25 million other people’s personal details.
“He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; children need discipline and maybe it was my fault.
“Andrew Common-Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies such as don’t spend more than you can earn and reliable strategies like do unto your neighbour as you would have him do unto you and adults, not children, are in charge.
“He hadn’t been in rude health for many years but it began to deteriorate rapidly when overbearing socialist regulations were set in place by the now disgraced Tony Blair and his successor Gordon Brown. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teenagers suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
“Common-Sense lost more ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do - disciplining their ill-mannered children. His health declined again when schools were required to obtain parental consent to administer sun lotion or a plaster to a student; but could not inform parents when a young girl became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion without their knowledge.
“Andrew’s immune system was further weakened when the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; criminals received better treatment than their victims and Christmas trees were banned for fear of upsetting Muslims. Another serious setback came when he found out that in Britain, where an Englishman’s home was supposedly his ‘castle’, a homeowner wasn’t allowed to defend himself from a burglar and the burglar could sue him for assault if he tried. His decline became irreversible when Labour MPs announced that they didn’t want to fly the Union Jack on public buildings anymore for fear of upsetting anyone, from Poles to Scottish Nationalists.
“Eventually, Andrew Common-Sense sank into a deep coma, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled it on her lap, and was eventually awarded a huge settlement in court.
“The end finally came when it was realised that several thousand illegal immigrants that had been arrested for murder, rape and assault among other crimes were released back into society, rather than being deported, while it was also discovered that hundreds of convicted paedophiles had been cleared by the government to teach in schools.
“Andrew Common-Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; and his two sons, Responsibility and Reason.
“He is survived by his five stepsisters; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I’m A Victim and I Demand Compensation.
“His funeral was attended by the Queen, Prince Charles, David Cameron and surprisingly David Beckham. No one from the government felt able to attend as they thought that going to Westminster Abbey might upset the Pakistani community. Only a few others, mainly elderly folk, were there - most people hadn’t realised that he had finally died. If you still remember him, pass the message on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.”
In the House of Commons, the Supreme Leader Gordon Brown commented that while the demise of Mr Common-Sense was sad people must realise that all good things must come to an end.
In Malta’s Parliament neither Dr Gonzi nor Dr Sant were available to comment on Mr Common-Sense’s death as neither had ever heard of him.