The U-turn specialist has executed another spectacular three-point-turn in the middle of our busy political highway. Last seen preening himself at a press conference with My Mate Martin Schulz at his side, his face aglow with self-satisfied delight, Herr Doktor Joseph Muscat has announced his “cancellation” of the endorsement.
Yes, that’s right. He’s cancelled it. Hands over ears, eyes tight shut, na-na-na-na-na; I’m not hearing you and it doesn’t exist anymore, so there. Herr Doktor was traumatised by the reaction when he brought over his nice little German playmate to tell the cameras: “I tried this product and I liked it. You should try it, too.” Andie McDowell does it for L’Oreal’s Deep Set Wrinkles cream. Martin Schulz does it for Herr Doktor Joseph Muscat. The only difference, Herr Doktor’s fans would have us believe, is that Andie McDowell is prettier than Martin Schulz and Joseph Muscat is not a face-cream.
Ah, but there’s more. Herr Doktor had a whole series of MEPs lined up to fly to Malta to sit by his side in front of the cameras and say: “Joseph Muscat worked for my wrinkles. Try him on yours.” And he’s cancelled them, too. Either he’s of the reaction, or he’s just realised that he came across as a prat and not as an admired and respected politician, which is what he was hoping for. He says that he doesn’t want any more acrimony. Well, I have news for him. If he plans to be party leader and prime minister, he’s got years of acrimony ahead of him, and if he can’t cope with this little bit of nuisance, he’s going to crumble within months like his hero did.
The other day around the supper-table at home we had a bit of an argument. Three were of the opinion that Herr Doktor knows exactly what he is doing, and is aware of the diplomatic implications of having a foreign politician campaign for you in your own country – but he doesn’t care because he has made a strategic decision to focus only on impressing the delegates. The delegates will be impressed by all these Big Europeans Who Like Joseph, and if the public hates it, then he has another five years to win the public round. The other two of us disagreed. We thought Herr Doktor really and truly didn’t know what he was doing, and that he is so politically clueless that he actually thought there would be no backlash and no implications on a wider scale. To him, it was the political equivalent of a wrinkle-cream endorsement by an actor. What’s the fuss? Is anyone screaming in the newspapers about Andie McDowell?
Today’s news that he had a whole line-up of MEPs ready to endorse him, drip by drip, for the remainder of the campaign gives weight to that last argument. The kid really doesn’t have a clue. And I use the word “kid” advisedly, because I know lots of men and women of 34 who are 10 times more mature and astute than he is. Brussels or no Brussels, PhD or no PhD, he is astonishingly unworldly and lacking in sophistication.
A newspaper journalist who got wind of the line-up called Herr Doktor and asked to know who his mates the MEPs were. Herr Doktor wouldn’t say, though he did confirm that he had called off his plans to haul them over. I would have loved, loved, loved to get an answer to the question of who was going to pay for all these business class flights to Malta, and for their hotels. Were they going to come here at Herr Doktor’s expense? At their own expense? Or off the back of an unsuspecting EU public?
It wasn’t the opinion of the general public that put Herr Doktor off his plans. It was the angry reaction of his rival contenders. If he was any way sharper than my butter-knife, he could have foreseen that reaction. It doesn’t take the brain of Stephen Hawking to do it; it just takes commonsense. But as we have seen over the last 30-odd years, the Labour Party and many of those appended to it have become progressively, and strangely, detached from reality. They just seem unable to read common codes of behaviour. They have no idea what the words “emotional intelligence” mean. And God help any man among them who demonstrates such alien traits, like George Abela, for his name is Mincemeat.
And like his mentor, Herr Doktor continues to insist that he is right, while at the same time cancelling his plans. Endorsements like this are common practice in democratic countries, he said. Democratic countries, eh? As opposed to what, China? Yes, he’s right. They are common practice. But the endorser and the endorsed always have one thing in common: citizenship of the same state. You will never get a German politician endorsing a contender for the leadership of the British Labour Party, or a Russian parliamentarian endorsing a potential Italian prime minister. Herr Doktor’s little elves are rushing forward to defend him by saying that Barack Obama was endorsed. Yes, by fellow Americans who have a direct interest in how their country is run, and not by Germans. Not that I have anything against Germans, but Malta – like Britain, France and Italy – has a great deal of historical baggage in this regard. Witness Silvio Berlusconi’s admittedly offensive comment in, what a coincidence, My Mate Martin’s regard.
I love Joseph Muscat. That’s right. He’s turning out to be as good a subject as the man on the other end of the lead. If he’s elected, I’m in clover. I foresee a full five years of pratfalls.