Is it really still a man’s world in Australia?
A friend of mine reminded me recently of how Australian men, who have their fair share of uncouth beer bellied belchers with atrocious table manners and little sexual prowess, have come to see the current politically correct attitude towards women as somewhat unfair on men.
Far be it from me to side with these chaps whose origins can be traced back to London convicts and Welsh sheep fanciers but upon reading the gripe below I do think that they may have a point.
“If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinistic pig. If you stay at home and do the housework, you’re a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for the kids. If you don’t work hard as a result, you’re a good-for-nothing layabout. If she has a boring, repetitive job with low pay, that is exploitation. If you have a boring, repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
“If a man gets a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is equal opportunity.
“If you mention how nice she looks, that is sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, that is typical male indifference. If you cry you’re a wet. If you don’t you’re an insensitive bastard.
“If you thump her, that is wife-bashing. If she thumps you, that is self-defence. If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a dictator. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she is a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that is domination. If she asks you, it’s a favour.
“If you appreciate the female form in underwear, you’re a sexual pervert. If you don’t notice, you’re a poofter. If you like a woman to keep in shape and shave her legs that is sexist. It you don’t care, that is unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, that is vanity. If you don’t you’re a slob.
“If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re forgetful and uncaring. If you are proud of your achievements, you’re an egomaniac. If you aren’t, you are not ambitious. If you ask for a cuddle, you never think about anything else but sex. If you don’t you are having an affair. If you’re totally wrecked after a bad day at the office you never give a damn about other people’s feelings. If she has a bad day at the office, you just don’t understand.
“If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache you don’t love her anymore. If you want sex three times a week, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else. If you want it four times a week you should see a doctor but if she wants it just once when you are tired you should buy Viagra.”
Guys – it kind of rings a few bells doesn’t it? You know there just might be life as we know it down under after all.
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Putin shows us who he really is
A year ago I wrote in this paper that the old sick bear – Russia – was on the mend and under Putin’s control would increasingly become a threat to world peace. The events in Georgia of the last 10 days proved how right I was. I fear this is only just the tip of the iceberg. My father’s generation might even feel like it is 1938 all over again.
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Silly United Nations survey raises serious issues
There is a story doing the rounds about a worldwide UN survey on food shortages that ran into trouble when respondents failed to fully understand the question. “Please give an honest and intelligent opinion concerning possible humane solutions to the food shortage around the rest of the world” caused confusion everywhere.
Apparently, in Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant. In Western Europe, the word “shortage” failed to register. In Britain, the government had trouble with the word “intelligent”.
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In China, they were puzzled by the word “opinion”. In Russia, the government had to look up “humane”. In the Middle East nobody understood the word “solution”. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant. And quite understandably, no one in the US understood what “the rest of the world” meant.
This is naturally a joke you tell yourself over your cornflakes. Perhaps, but the laugh is on us as this little tale is too close to reality and writes a book about the self-interest that renders the UN an ineffective talking shop.
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Small charming island, in need of slight refurbishment, becomes available – apply to Mepa for details
A small island in the southern Mediterranean has been put on the market by leading estate agents Mepa. It is 17 miles by 13 and houses some 400,000 charming people. There are 53,000 empty properties, some in need of attention, and several thousand empty concrete shells resulting in much opportunity for squatters. The roads need a little attention so there are also countless opportunities for gypsies to sell tarmac for cash. Scrap metal dealers can make a decent living from collecting all the discarded fridges, ovens and even cars that litter the pretty countryside. Sewage farmers may wish to bid for certain bays and coves where rich pickings can be found.
There are numerous employment opportunities driving either hearses or taxis. Nasty entrepreneurs can make use of a growing availability of labour coming from Africa and animal abusers can benefit from the lack of animal rights on the island.
However, potential buyers should be aware that Dr Gonzi, the current landlord, expects all bids to be very high as he believes that these conditions will make the island the top Mediterranean tourist destination by 2115. Price upon application only. Payment strictly cash only in brown paper bags delivered to Mepa’s back door.
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Fears grow for Maltese man with suspected rain on the brain
Fears were growing last night for the sanity of a Maltese man who claimed that his homeland has been ruined by building dust, ghastly developments (he does have a point there I think), too much sunshine, evening petards and shooters banging away at dawn. He then went on to accuse the Maltese people of being insular and not being interested in what happened in the rest of the world. Ignoring this point however, the ex-pat was determined to interest them in his opinion and amazingly praised the wettest British summer on record, a ghastly concrete 1960s jungle, known across Surrey as “woeful Woking”, and London, which is the now the undisputed “violent” capital of Europe.
Doctors believe that he could be suffering from “Rain on the Brain” – a common disease among middle-aged men with a porous brain who have a tendency for self-delusion. Being out in the rain too much can bring on the condition and the only known cure is to become a victim of knife crime – which means he is in the right place to receive treatment.
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