I often meet people who claim that they never, ever watch Maltese TV.

Screwing their faces up in disgust, they are scathing about the inferior quality of the programmes, the contrived, over-the-top acting in the melodramatic dramas, and the sheer amateurishness of most of the presenters. Those who have long given up on watching anything local point to the mind numbing partisan politics permeating the discussions and the copycat nature of the entertainment programmes which bravely try to imitate the big budget productions seen on foreign stations – but fail dismally.

With all this criticism, you would think that the considerable number of TV stations in Malta would be closing down their studios and selling off their technical equipment, as they cut their losses and call it a day. But then the Broadcasting Authority audience survey is published and you realize that the Maltese TV “haters” only reflect the views of one part of the population.

The figures which have just been published for the first quarter of this year point to a different scenario. Out of the 1800 people who accepted to be interviewed, 69 per cent are TV viewers, and from this share 51.4 per cent are tuning in to one of the Maltese channels (TVM, One TV, Net TV, Smash or Favourite Channel). So while the number of people who do not watch TV at all is growing (24.6 per cent compared to 22.8 per cent last quarter), half of those who do watch are tuning in to Xarabank, F’Salib it-Toroq and Evangelisti – listed as the top three programmes in this survey.

The demographics are very telling, and predictable.

The greatest percentage of those who are not watching Maltese TV fall into two age groups: those aged 15 – 24 and those aged 30 – 49. More men than women don’t watch local programmes and most of them come from the Northern harbour region.

TVM is the most watched station throughout the island except for the south where the Labour party-owned One TV dominates. What is interesting is that while fierce audience loyalty among Labour voters has been consistent ever since the political parties opened up their respective TV stations, the Nationalist party owned Net TV has never been able to make the same kind of inroads among its viewers. Over the years, in fact, I would say that Net is the station which has turned out to be the most disappointing in terms of programme quality. It started off very promisingly with very high standards and well thought programming, but has failed to sustain that initial momentum. Instead of finding its niche, it “sold out” by pandering to what it thought Maltese audiences wanted …so we ended up with yet another station churning out tearjerker dramas and the same old magazine style afternoon programmes.

The problem for Net TV was that One TV had got their first, investing heavily in dramas such as Giselle and Farfalla, which had captured the public’s attention irrespective of party politics. In this respect I believe there has been a shift in the way people reply to audience surveys – whereas before a Nationalist voter would not be caught dead admitting that he watched One TV, with the arrival of popular dramas that hold such broad audience appeal, this inhibition has been removed.

Net has another problem – Nationalist voters tend to be more fragmented in their viewing preferences depending on their language of choice. So you get those whose natural inclination is to watch Italian shows, others who prefer English language programming such as on BBC, Living and the Comedy channel, and still others who prefer Maltese programmes.

The language question cannot be left out of the equation when analyzing why Maltese TV stations have such a solid audience. It’s understandable that those who are Maltese speaking should feel more comfortable with stations which provide them with programmes in their mother tongue. This also explains why even programmes which are abysmal when compared to foreign productions, still retain their audience share. Just as I meet people who abhor local stations, I also meet people who tell me they will watch any programme “as long as it’s in Maltese!”

The fact is, while we might be a bi-lingual nation on paper, that myth flew out the window long ago where English is concerned. I find there are more people capable of following an Italian programme than an English language one, even though they might not be able to converse fluently in Italian. But here again, what they are watching is revealing: with their emphasis on scantily clad showgirls, sex and gossip, Mediaset programmes such as Grande Fratello, L’Isola del Famosi and Ciao Darwin are not exactly taxing on the brain.

As for local fare, discerning viewers shake their heads at how people can actually sit through some of the ghastly shows on air at the moment, but amazingly, everything being transmitted seems to find its audience. Suffice to say that the cringe-inducing Deal or no Deal beat out Bondiplus while another programme which makes me break out in hives, Singled Out, is more popular than Net News.

I sometimes wonder whether it’s because producers seem intent on showcasing the worst examples of human behaviour or whether it’s because these are the only kind of people who will agree to appear on these shows. Either way, local television seems to have hit upon a formula of turgid dramas, outlandish guests and lowest common denominator entertainment.

A look at the figures clearly shows that viewers are not really choosing quality. Dissett and Biografiji, for example, two of the better productions on TVM, registered relatively low ratings. Maybe Reno Bugeja is too low key and polite for the average viewer.

Discussion programmes are also suffering because people are switching off politics: on One TV you have no less than three: Inkontri, TX and Realta’ - all well conducted programmes whose ratings were not that great. Similarly, Net’s discussion programme Kontro Ezami did poorly, and was greatly outstripped by the station’s sports programme Replay. Frankly, after a day’s work, prime time viewers also want to be entertained.

This could explain why Bondiplus, which has now slipped into sixth place overall, decided to go down the sensationalist route recently, by featuring the right-wing extremist Norman Lowell. Extremism, like sex, sells – there were so many people upset and aghast at the things Lowell said during the programme that I made it a point to watch it online the next day.

The same thing happens when there is a particularly rambunctious edition of Xarabank. Despite my constant annoyance at the programme because of the way it trivialises important subjects and the unruly nature of the rowdy discussions, I still occasionally watch it when I’m home.

Maybe I love to hate it. Maybe my curiosity about ‘what will they come up with next’ gets the better of me. Maybe it’s because, despite all its shortcomings and the awful rudeness of some of the guests, I still find it morbidly fascinating to watch.

Or maybe it’s because I’m a hopeless TV junkie, and I always need to watch a programme for myself to find out what people are talking about.

I think this explains why, despite so many claiming to abhor the show, it continues to be rated number one in the country. For despite wanting to throttle that self-righteous woman on the panel who was making all sorts of judgemental statements in the name of God, no less - if someone had phoned me yesterday to ask me what I had watched the night before, I would have had to be honest, and say, Xarabank.

Sounds like Sant

For the first time in decades, the UK has a coalition with a Tory Prime Minister and a Lib Dem Deputy Prime Minister.

But while observers are taking bets as to how long the Cameron-Clegg love fest will last, some have spared a thought for the outgoing Prime Minister.

Writing in The Guardian, political commentator Alexander Chancellor made the following observation: “Gordon Brown fought ferociously to retain his job as prime minister, but I nevertheless feel he is secretly happy to have lost it. Suddenly, as he bid his farewells, he started to sound and look like a normal human being. Even his smile seemed natural.

It struck me that here was a man who should never have chosen a political career. As a high-minded Scottish puritan with an urge to change society, politics might have seemed a logical choice. It is also true that he did very well at it. But his inability to relate easily to ordinary people must always have caused him great stress.”

Remind you of anyone?

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