Well, after 25 years of marriage, there is something I want to say about marriage. Personally, I would have invested more in building a solid relationship during our courtship days. I would have rooted our relationship more in Christ… Christ as the foundation of our marriage; Christ as our rock. That is the basis of any strong marriage. No marriage is a piece of cake. Each marriage has a lot of beauty in it and also its problems. If one is rooted in Christ, the rock, then nothing is too big and the marriage will strive forward. A couple should focus more on building a strong relationship during their courtship days; to build a relationship on rocks rather than focus on trivial things and build on sand. Prevention is better than cure; thus building on rocks is so much better than building on sand and then try to prevent it from falling apart afterwards.
Marriage is very special in God’s eyes. The unity of the Trinity, the closeness, and the uniqueness is described as ‘marriage’ – the bond being perfect love. The unity between Christ and His Church is described as ‘marriage’ – Christ being the bridegroom and the Church His bride (cf Eph 5: 22 -32) – the bond being perfect love, so much so that Christ gave His life; no greater love than this. Marriage between a couple is also so very special. Like the Trinity, Christ and His Church cannot be dismembered, cannot be separated into different bodies, but must remain as one, so the marriage between two people must remain as one and cannot be dismembered.
Biblically it was so from the very beginning. What does the Bible say about marriage? From the very first chapters of the Bible, Genesis, to be exact, God says: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). From the very beginning God wanted marriage to be like this. “One flesh” He says. You cannot divide one flesh, one body. One cannot dismember a body. In Malachi 2:16, the Bible says outright that God hates divorce. In the Old Testament divorce was tolerated “because of the hardness of their hearts” (cf Mt 19: 8); divorce was not God’s intention.
In the New Testament, Jesus came to fulfil the law of the Old Testament. Matthew 19: 3-9, states that a man leaves his parents and becomes one with his wife. 4 “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ (cf Genesis 1:27). …5and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? (cf Genesis 2:24). 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Mt 19: 4-6)
Jesus makes it clear that it is God who has joined the husband and wife together and thus the union cannot be dissolved. Whoever divorces commits adultery, if one of them remarries.
There are various other quotes from the Bible referring to the uniqueness of marriage. In Matthew 5: 31-32, the exact translation from Greek on what is written as ‘marital unfaithfulness’ in verse 32 is incest. There are other various quotations such as 1 Corinthians 7: 10-11, 1 Corinthians 7:39, and Luke 16:16 all for the union of marriage. As long as both parties are alive the marriage union stands.
In the recent debate regarding divorce so many issues came up… Doesn’t the person deserve a second chance? The most difficult issue is What if one suffered violence and abuse? There was another issue regarding annulment and divorce. Another issue was a reference to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Let us tackle the issues one by one.
Doesn’t a person deserve a second chance? We have only this life and we are entitled to be happy. However, is there any guarantee that the second, third or fourth ‘marriage’ will be successful? Recently I heard of a case where the first marriage lasted 10 years while the second ‘marriage’ lasted five. There is no guarantee. There are no fairytale marriages. Each marriage has its own problems; unfortunately some are more serious than others. One has to work at keeping the marriage together. There has to be a lot of forgiveness (on both sides), understanding, compassion, and patience. There must be communication.
What if one suffers violence? This is the most difficult question to answer, in my opinion, especially if violence started after marriage…one did not know about the violent nature of his/her partner. A person has the right to protect herself/himself and the dignity; it is the duty for the person to protect oneself. Thus in these cases one should seek help. There is also counselling for anger management for the abusive partner. There is counselling for the partner being abused. There are counselling services, therapy, at Agenzija Appogg, Cana Movement, Caritas and others. I do not have a ready-made answer for this question, as each case must be treated individually.
What about annulment and divorce? There are some who may think that both these terms mean the same. A vow involves the full consent of the will. A vow is different from a promise. It is an act of generosity towards God. One has to know what he is doing, and one has to be completely free when making a vow. So, two important words/phrases ‘free’ and ‘act of generosity towards God’ make up a vow. Thus, if a person, for some reason was not free when making the vow of marriage, the marriage can be annulled; the marriage never happened in front of God as it was not an act of generosity towards God. To be an act of generosity one has to be free. ‘Free’ mentally, ‘free’ emotionally, ‘free’ socially… not forced by anyone to get married. There are various other points leading to annulment such as incest. Like when the couple married they did not know that they were closely related for some reason. There were some who questioned what happens to the status of the children following annulment. They still remain legitimate not as some people think. Another reason for annulment is that one of the couple has some kind of defect, who kept in the dark till after marriage. These are just a few of the many reasons for annulment. ‘Divorce’ simply means the breaking of a contract of marriage for whatever the reason.
A point was brought up regarding the Catechism of the Catholic Church, section 2383; it is stated ‘if civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children… it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offence; it does not state however that the partner can remarry.
With all of this said… when it is hardest to love that is true love, if you love anyway. In time of tribulations, that is the proof of one’s love for the other partner and not when everything is plain sailing. In face of hardship – love anyway for that is true love.
“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.” (Mother Teresa of Calcutta)
Teresa Pace
PEMBROKE