Mark Twain once said: “Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” The longest-running study of married couples ever conducted is in the hands of Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a researcher and marriage therapist who has spearheaded a study of married couples over the past 25 years. Dr Orbuch has been the project director of the “Early Years of Marriage Project” at the University of Michigan, funded by the US National Institutes of Health. In this scientific analysis, Dr Orbuch and her staff have identified keys to help you and your spouse have or regain a great marriage.
According to Dr Orbuch, “There are small changes in behaviours and attitudes that one can implement to make the relationship happier, and to make a really great marriage.”
It’s important to focus on what’s working in marriage rather than concentrating exclusively on problems or complaints, like when a tongue invariably goes towards the bad, throbbing tooth . . .
Also sweating through exercise, be they at the gym or doing household chores or laughing together can bring a surge of hormones that transfer more excitement to one’s marriage.
In an interview Dr Orbuch explained how to use the element of surprise to cause a ‘wow’ moment that gets you and your spouse out of a marital rut… how men are different from women in their need to feel special (warning: if a man feels that his wife doesn’t support him, the couple is twice as likely to get divorced). See how you can easily nip this problem in the bud. The #1 reason why relationships fail (and how this relates to your own personal expectations of how relationships develop)… ‘His and hers’ expressions of love (see how the sexes differ − and why and how to decode the signals you’re being given).
As Dr Orbuch, states, “It doesn’t take much to shake things up and infuse your love life with surprises, fun, and excitement. Introducing small behavioural changes and attitude shifts is the key to maintaining a happy love relationship.”
Marriage is a science that needs mastering. Even if prior to marriage the state were to expect couples to go through a course with a final exam before granting them a marriage licence, this would not automatically reduce the number of problem marriages. As with any science or other discipline, even sport ones, practice makes perfect and there is no short cut except toil and sacrifice.
Finally, in marriage there are those who graduate with flying colours, those who find that their relationship is failing but keep working at it, and another category that can be labelled ‘the deserters’.
G. Bonett
MARSALFORN