A new book for parents bearing the provocative title, Go the (F-word) to Sleep is creating quite a stir. (The book title uses the actual word, but I’m not using it here for obvious reasons).
Let me make it clear, this is not a children’s book, but a book meant for adults. Written by an exasperated father of a two-year-old who simply would not go to sleep, it is written in the form of a soothing nursery rhyme but with the F-word interspersed throughout as the weary Dad practically implores the child to please, please, go to sleep.
I know that those who sneer at Facebook will turn their noses up at this, but the whole thing actually did start with a status. Author Adam Mansbach, at the end of his parental tether, posted this comment: “Look out for my forthcoming children’s book, Go the (F-word) to Sleep“. The positive response from his friends (presumably fatigued parents who could completely relate) was so overwhelming that he ended up writing the rhyming verses which he posted online as a 32-page pdf and, predictably, the whole thing went viral. A small publishing house offered to publish it, and the book immediately went up to number one on the Amazon best seller list when it was released on 14 June (as I write it is still at number three).
The book’s popularity means that parents obviously connected with the message, but as with anything which does not follow the norm, it was bound to draw its share of critics. Some have said that Mansbach is a typical example of today’s yuppie parents who want children but then are too selfish and egotistic to put aside their own needs and cope with what it really means to raise them. Others are appalled that a father could use the F-word in the context of his own child.
I feel this criticism is completely misplaced.
For, ask any parent who is willing to speak honestly and truly from the heart, and they will tell you that yes, having children can be a joy, but there are also those moments when you feel your nerve ends have been ripped to shreds with their whining demands. As much as you love them, and cannot imagine your life without them, there are times when you would gladly pack your bags and emigrate to a lonely, deserted island where you can no longer hear the word ‘Mummy’ or ‘Daddy’, if only for a few days.
Not everyone will admit to this feeling because it is considered unthinkable – in fact, when parents have spoken to me like this, it is often in a confidential whisper, with a look of pure guilt and shame on their face. They know that what they are saying would be looked upon askance by other parents, who might accuse them of not loving their children enough, and who would label them with that most humiliating label of all, ‘you’re a bad mother/father’.
How many times have I heard women (especially) berate themselves, “I must be a terrible mother!” for having such disloyal negative thoughts about their own offspring? The reality is that I think that suppressing such feelings is even worse. Wracking yourself with guilt, while trying to push down mutinous feelings of wanting to get away from the enormous responsibilities of parenthood, is bound to twist you into an emotional mess. What is wrong with acknowledging the fact that yes, there are times when you think, I wish I never had children? (Of course, thinking it is one thing, but saying it out loud is another; you should never say this to children). I think this feeling is perfectly normal, especially on a bad day when the children won’t stop crying or whining, your patience has been worn to a wafer thin edge and you are afraid that you are going to snap. This is why bedtime can often be the worst time of the day: parents are worn out by a day of juggling work, domestic chores and seeing to children’s needs. The kids, on the other hand, instinctively know that their parents want them ‘out of the way’ so they perversely cling to that last bit of attention: “get me a glass of water, read me a story, read it to me again, stay with me until I fall asleep, don’t turn out the light, I need to go to the bathroom”. It goes on and on and on, with the child bright-eyed and wide awake and the father/mother exhausted beyond words, wondering what they have done to deserve this.
No wonder households all over the world are often fraught with tension at this time of the evening. And no wonder Andrew Mansbach was driven to write, Go the (F-word) to Sleep.
His heartfelt plea touched the core of comatose parents everywhere; parents who are sleep-deprived themselves and who wonder just how much more they can take of these protracted negotiations at bedtime.
Of course, older generations will say that today’s parents are making too much of a fuss; that they raised their own children gladly and happily and there was none of this stress at bedtime. I’m trying to remember whether I gave my own parents any grief over going to sleep, but all that I can recall is that we had a specific bedtime, at which time we simply kissed them goodnight and went to bed. My God, were we obedient.
Rather than being too selfish I would say that the ‘problem’ with today’s Mummies and Daddies is that they are too eager to please their children. Maybe they are so overly anxious about being good parents that they cave in at the slightest demand, and what is worse is that they are simply too tired to be consistent. So one night it will be a rigid stance of “no, you are not going to get another story”, and the next night it will be, “OK but just one more time and then you sleep”. Children, cunning little rascals that they are, will detect a weakness in the chink of parental resistance immediately and will reason that if they managed to penetrate the ‘no’ once, the likelihood is that, if they are persistent enough, they will manage to do it again.
I know, I know, it takes a steel-like forbearance, a limitless well of patience and the ability to unclench your jaw every now and then, because yes, children’s whining is guaranteed to drive you around the bend. Psychologists have even conducted a University study about it and concluded that it is officially the most annoying sound in the world. (Although, as a family member with two young children told me, there was no need to spend money on research; all they needed to do was go over to his house for three hours).
Parents will cajole and bribe, and go back on every vow and resolution they’ve made (no, you will not sleep in Mummy and Daddy’s bed tonight), because when it comes down to the wire: if it is a question of getting some much needed sleep, they will do anything to make that whining stop.
No wonder Andrew Mansbach’s book is a bestseller – it has given parents permission to let off steam, to laugh about how difficult it is to raise children and more importantly it has helped them to realise that they are not alone in how they feel. They are not bad parents, they’re just tired.
And frankly, when you’re tired, only the F-word will do.
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