He never hurt a fly.

He is gentle, soft-spoken and shies away when there is an argument. His nature is for the art of compromise, not for fist-fights. He is sensitive to other people’s needs, committed to everything he does and respectful of the duties he has to carry out.

A few days ago, having not seen him for quite a while, I saw a different person from the one I had known for many years. He used to have a permanent smile, but it’s gone; his eyes used to twinkle, but now they’re sad. He has always been quiet, but there was a sparkle in the way he spoke and behaved. That, too, is gone. He used to be jovial in a quiet way, but there wasn’t a hint of that any more.

I later got to know that his wife is claiming that he beats her and they are going through difficult separation proceedings.

It is easy to invent a story about someone. Wise people say that one can never judge what takes place in a household between a man and a woman living together – and this is true. But it is also true that, given that it is a case of someone’s word against another’s, and given that these relationships often evolve into acrimonious situations that make living in the same home unbearable, it is easy to play the part of an angel while accusing one’s partner of being the devil incarnate – even if there are no physical signs that such an abuse is taking place.

In this particular case, I had known that the relationship was turning sour. But each time I met this man, he never let slip anything about what was going on. Not one word against his wife. Not one hint that she was making his life hell. And I never asked.

But his wife is now apparently doing the opposite, and not with just her friends. She’s even spreading the word among people she hardly knows. Or perhaps her mother is doing the job for her.

Many of us have heard similar stories and it’s not the first time I’ve heard one either: unfortunately, they’re becoming quite common. It is even sadder when you have attended the wedding ceremony of a couple and then learn that they are no longer in tune with one another. I sometimes wonder what has changed those smiles and joyful tears on the wedding day to insults and punches in the home, and how what seemed to have been an idyllic relationship can have turned into a nightmare.

Knowing the man well, it has made me do a re-think about the so-called domestic violence phenomenon about which we hear so much today.

I am by no means defending violent perpetrators. I would never condone any abuse, be it physical or emotional. It is despicable, more so when the violence also involves innocent children. When children are caught up in the middle, it is they who suffer the most.

There are many genuine cases in which one of the partners, more often than not the woman, becomes a victim of brutal attacks in the home, and they deserve all the help they can get – and quickly, too.

But then there are many other cases like the one I mentioned above, when one of the partners (sometimes both) invents a story about the other. It’s done to earn sympathy, or to justify one’s own behaviour. It’s done to put the other partner in bad light. Mostly, it’s done to hurt.

Frequently, in these circumstances, people get to hear one side of the story – they are either close to the woman or to the man. But one side of the story is never enough. It is only half of it; there is another half, and often the truth – if there is a truth in these situations – lies in between.

The tendency to take sides with one partner or the other is in our nature. If it is a relative or a friend who is involved in these domestic issues, it is likely that we will sympathise more with the person we know than with the partner. This other partner often gets all the blame. In the case I have mentioned earlier, I have no qualms in admitting that, since I know this person well, I am more inclined to believe him rather than her.

But I would like to take the argument one step further.

The effect that this story has had on me is that it has created many doubts about other similar stories I’ve heard. I’ve always known that people in such situations usually add a little spice to their side of the story, but I’ve always tried to understand and believe, at least in part, what I was being told.

When I now look back at instances when I was told – directly or indirectly – how a husband had threatened to throw his wife down the stairs, or how a woman had kicked out at her man, I’m beginning to wonder.

What if that woman was inventing her story? Was she really secretly taking contraceptive pills to avoid getting pregnant, even though she wanted to have children, or was she trying to earn the sympathy of others? What if that man was exaggerating about his wife? Was she really the “bitch” he described her to be, or was he the one who made her life so difficult? Were those stories true? Or were they being told for self-ingratiation?

And since, as I said earlier, most cases of domestic violence are against women, it is women who suffer the most when one of them – as I believe is true in this particular case – invents a story about being beaten up.

Without realising it, this particular woman is doing great harm to other women whose stories of domestic violence are genuine.

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