This article was written with the intention of raising awareness on abusive relationships. Awareness can prevent abusive behaviour from taking place and/or empower victims to take the first steps towards an abuse-free life. However, breaking off an abusive relationship can be dangerous or even fatal, so it might be necessary for the victim to seek professional mental, legal, and/or counselling help. 

Last week we treated the subject of abusive relationships; relationships that can involve confidants ranging from lovers, relatives and friends to business partners, co-workers, professionals and more. A peek into the intricate and soul-shattering nature of abuse, its wide prevalence and some of its likely causes led us to an outline of the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), one of several abuse-related personality disorders (formerly known as Cluster B). As promised, today we are going to take a deeper look at NPD. Clinical diagnosis can only be made by specifically trained health professionals. However, the narcissists’ pathetic predictability combined with an awareness of narcissistic traits (many of which are common to all cluster B personality disorders) can make spotting an abusive close acquaintance a breeze. 

Before we continue any further however, it must be clarified that NPD is distinct from the healthy infant narcissism (self-love), which, with the support of loving parents, develops into a healthier self-concept. 

Who can have NPD?

NPD is more prevalent in males. It has no ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional preference. Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes and degrees. Indeed, NPD is controversial even among professionals. Nevertheless, we are not interested in the name of a disorder but in behaviours that damage people's lives.

Is NPD treatable?

The prognosis (likely course of NPD) for an adult narcissist is poor; therapy with a narcissist is often unsuccessful. Even if he/she conjures up an image of a reformed person, this may well be false.  

Dr Sam Vaknin, a PhD, book author, and two-time clinically diagnosed narcissist, describes what went on in his mind during his two failed attempts at therapy: he felt non-responsive and hostile and describes the experience as a “power play” and a “war zone”. He could not ponder the idea that his therapist knew things about him which he himself did not know. This made the therapist superior to him and such a situation is unacceptable to a narcissist. He needed to protect his superiority and get away from it all. 

How can I know that I am dealing with a narcissist?

Even if a narcissist can permeate and intoxicate every aspect of your being, the effects of narcissism can sneak up on you very subtly and they are often difficult to spot, unless you know what to look for.

In the honeymoon stage narcissists are the most delightful people to be with. To you and to the outside world they look charismatic, charming, assertive, secure, powerful and self-assured. Altruistic narcissists (one of the variants of NPDs) are very kind, caring, loving, and generous people. But this is only their false self, which they construct so tenaciously to ensure their much-needed narcissistic supply and hide their highly distorted true self. Genuinely good people certainly do exist but narcissists are anything but genuine. In fact, they leave you emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and spiritually crippled and utterly confused. If this is how you feel, know that you may well have been lured into the dark abyss of a narcissist.

Red flags to watch out for:

You may:

·        have an instant need to feel safe, loved and adored: this may be the gateway for the narcissist to enter, even if you are powerful in all other aspects of your life

·        feel uncomfortable about the relationship and/or

·        feel powerless to create boundaries to protect yourself and to leave the relationship

Your partner, lover, confidant, relative or employer:

·        struggles with humility. He/she is never wrong and it is always somebody else’s fault. He/she takes criticism, even if constructive, badly 

·        finds it hard to abide by rules

·        avoids ordinary tasks

·        demands constant attention, calls you 10 times a day and is depressed or outraged if he/she is not the focus of attention

·        cannot survive on his/her own and needs constant attention and/or love

·        has a sense of grandiosity

·        constructs a superior image of him/herself by owning fancy cars, clothes, homes, etc 

·        wants instant gratification

·        does not take no for an answer

·        has no energy to supply you with. When you need support, he/she gets depressed, angry or abusive

·        suffers from manic mood swings and can change from being funny and adorable to being dark and angry within minutes

·        is intensely jealous and insecure and has extreme sexuality

·        has multiple love partners

·        boasts about his/her past accomplishments and relationships 

·        is spontaneous, erratic and unpredictable, twists and turns facts, creates imagery allies and dismisses anything he/she had previously said, in an instant 

·        uses all sorts of tactics to get his/her exes back (if he/she still wants them)

·        is an angry child, who never grows up emotionally, in an adult body; he/she over-reacts and makes stupid excuses when caught acting amorally

·        causes people pain but never learns how his/her behaviour affects others 

Less observable red flags (which may take longer to come to the fore):

 Narcissists:

·        may have been idolized or spoilt by their parents (in childhood) so they feel entitled to whatever they want

·        know that intelligent, highly resourceful, self-assured, loving and caring people are the ones who can tolerate their childish, immature and aggressive behaviour.  Being involved with them improves the narcissists’ status and ensures a steady supply of energy; they make good prey

·        are highly intelligent and extremely street cunning; they mentally analyse their environment with acute precision.  They know which tactics to use and when to lure people into trust and then they suck their victims dry emotionally, psychologically, physically and financially. Like vampires, their need is never fulfilled and they are always hunting fresh supply

·        do not feel any pain other than their own. It is like they own the world

·        know no boundaries but see people as an extension of themselves

·        are incapable of feeling genuine love and empathy 

·        are aware that their existence is totally reliant on the attention/love coming from others and despise their victims for having to be dependent on them; their victims are their worst enemies

·        are horrified to admit that they are down as this reveals their powerlessness

·        project all the negative aspects of their true self onto their victims, where they can safely attack, criticize, demean and abuse them

·        are intolerably wounded when their amoral ways are revealed and use manipulation, denial, aggression, blame-shifting, extreme out of proportion offence, false allies, childish excuses and pathological lying to cover up

·        feel entitled to lie and do not have a guilty conscience about it. This makes it virtually impossible to detect their lies; they even pass lie detector tests!

·        are exhausted by their vigilance, changing of masks and their efforts to remember all the lies.  They are left with little energy to do anything else

·        turn the victims’ dear ones against them and make the victims distrust anyone in their lives; they isolate their victims from the rest of the world.

The narcissists become the ‘rocks’ of their victims and the latter plead for their comfort and support and become addicted to them. The narcissists gain total control of their victims ... then the victims realise that their ‘rocks’ are the same persons who are destroying them. Soul-shattered as the victims become at that point, they can no longer provide the narcissists with their supply and the narcissists dump them (see American Psychiatric Association, 2000; Evans, 2008; Roark, 2013; Vaknin, 2012).

What can you do if you suspect that you are involved with a narcissist?

Follow your instinct; if you feel uncomfortable something probably IS wrong (Brewster, 2006).

? Investigate and look deeper

? Check with people who have known him/her for a long time to verify his/her acclaimed accomplishments

? Get to know what his/her relationships with parents and exes are like

? Ask what his/her views on jealousy and abuse are

? Be on the lookout for inappropriate sexual behaviour, early questioning about your sexual past and being treated as an object and not as a person with feelings (Evans, 2008).

If more than a few of these situations/red flags strike a chord with you, stop making excuses to yourself and hoping that by being patient/loving and forgiving your situation will change. Miracles do happen but NPD is not likely to be treated, let alone go away on its own. Know that abusive behaviour is NOT acceptable. If the abusive relationship you are in is in its early days, it would be wise to sprint away from it. If it is more established, seek counselling, mental and/or legal help. Involve yourself with positive people. Speak up with a confidant (see below) and/or join a support group. Few people may understand what you are really going through and less may be willing to, or capable of, sticking with you all the way. Nevertheless, remember that the responsibility of your happiness, well-being and safety lies with you. If you look hard enough, you will find the power, within or without, to break free, heal yourself and live the life you deserve. 

It is important to bear in mind that most abusers cannot tolerate the pain of being discarded. If they still want you back, and in spite of their tactics, you do not fall for them again, they are likely to punish you. Therefore, if you confirm your suspicions that you are in an abusive relationship, you must make your move cautiously.  Consider your safety (and that of your children, if any are involved) at all times. 

Be wise in choosing a confidant, therapist and/or counsellor. Make sure your professional aide is specifically trained and certified to deal with abusive relationships; regrettably, many are not (Brewster, 2006). If you are being abused by your husband, think twice before confiding in your sister-in-law. Your husband could skilfully persuade her that it is you who are at fault (remember that narcissists shine at manipulating people). If the perpetrator is your friend, it may not be too proactive to seek refuge in another friend whom you share with your abuser. If your confidant cares for both of you, supporting you would put him/her in an awkward position. Likewise, if you are being/were abused by a prominent figure in an institution, seeking consolation in his/her assistant may not be the most sensible option for you. The latter’s better interest may not be in supporting you but in protecting the institution’s ‘integrity’. 

Thus, seeking support unwisely might jeopardise your relationship with the confidant and/or lead to further manipulation. The feedback you may get from him/her might confuse you further. Soul-shattered as you are, it would be detrimental to lose a cherished relative or revered friend and to be further manipulated and/or confused.  It may be wiser to seek a confidant who is not an acquaintance and/or collaborator of your abuser.

In conclusion, sharpen your senses and pluck up your courage ... be used and fooled no more.

Janet Falzon, BSc (Hons) Psychology (MSc Health Psychology), is a student and a member of the British Psychological Society. She can be reached at [email protected] or at her abuse-related SAP: Soar Above Pain Facebook page. 

The views expressed are the authors’ own and not the British Psychological Society’s.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2012). DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Retrieved 27 May 2013, from http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Personality%20Disorders/DSM-IV%20and%20DSM-5%20Criteria%20for%20the%20Personality%20Disorders%205-1-12.pdf

Brewster, S. (2006). Helping her get free: A guide for families and friends of abused women. CA, USA, Seal Press.

Evans, M.T. (2013). Narcissistic abuse recovery central: Narcissism understood. Retrieved 20 May 2008, from http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

Roark, S.V. (2013).  Narcissistic personality disorder: Effect on relationships. The Alabama Nurse, 39 (4), 12-13. Retrieved 28 May 2013 from http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=3233637e-9016-470f-bf78-97495420dc3b%40sessionmgr15&vid=2&hid=14

Vaknin, S. (2012). HealthyPlace personality disorders community. Malignant self-love. Retrieved 23 May 2013, from http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissism-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd/

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Psychopathy Education (2013). What we believe about pathology. Safe relationships magazine. Retrieved 19 May 2013, from http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/about/what-we-believe-about-pathology