Becoming a mother is one of the best experiences a woman can have. But pregnancy takes its toll too, physically and emotionally, and Trying to shed extra weight, heavy breasts that leak milk, and stitches that take too long to heal hardly help a new mother to relax and enjoy sex.  A&H spoke to three new mothers about how they coped.

 

*Alison, 27

"Six weeks after giving birth to my daughter, I went for a check-up and smear test. My doctor was very happy with how fast I had recovered and said that my body was prepared for intercourse.  Being a close friend of mine, my doctor also told me that I shouldn't give all my attention to the baby and end up ignoring my husband. Physically I was ready, but emotionally I was not. I still had bad feelings about how my body looked.

"My husband was very supportive. He kept telling me that I was beautiful but it didn't help. For me, some hugs and cuddles were enough. What worked for us was that we managed to talk about my feelings. I avoided blaming fatigue or that the baby kept me on my toes 24/7. After all, my husband had to go to work every morning, even though he used to spend hours with me when my daughter mixed up days and nights. It was nearly four months after giving birth that I first had intercourse again, and it was as good as before the baby was born, because I was prepared both mentally and physically."

*Patricia, 32

"We had been trying for six years to conceive a baby, without success.  So we had IVF treatment and after some attempts, I managed to become pregnant with two boys. Throughout the six years, sex was a nightmare for me. At the back of my mind I kept thinking about whether this was the right time. When my period came, I used to feel really down. My husband tried to encourage me but he too started losing hope and had his sad moments. Now, our twin boys are nearly six months old and the situation is the same.

"The babies have brought great joy to us both and we spend hours just looking at them, but our relationship as a couple is slowly deteriorating. The positive thing about this is that we are both aware of what is happening. It seems that my husband's and my sexual life revolved only around the wish to become parents. Now that we have our boys, we don't feel the need to express our love physically. Personally, I think we should seek help or else we will slowly drift apart. At times I doubt whether my husband has another relationship, but he is so caring with me and with the boys, that I immediately erase these thoughts.  Could we be in denial?"

 

*Melanie, 24

"I consider myself a young mother and I admit that my boyfriend and I were totally unprepared to become parents. Now that my daughter Klara* is nearly two months old, we are establishing ourselves in a routine and reality is sinking in - positively, I must say. Our sexual relationship has changed a lot though. We are still living with our respective parents and definitely have no privacy at all.

Sandro* works late and comes to visit Klara for a few minutes after work. It is only during weekends that we spend more time together. Taking care of a baby is very demanding. Both sets of parents are very supportive and we go on walks together or for a quick lunch while they babysit Klara. But we still have never left her for a night or for a whole day. I am breastfeeding her and she is not keen on drinking from a bottle, so this makes it impossible for me to leave her for a long stretch of time.  Sandro and I are currently renovating our own apartment and we hope to move in soon. Maybe having our own nest will give us more time to be intimate with each other."

 

*All names have been changed.

 

A&H says.....

An American psychiatrist was once very blunt in describing babies as sex killers. Getting back into having sex after having a baby can be a very challenging experience that couples should deal with together.  Experts say that it is doable, especially if the couple is positive about what to expect and to accept a failed experience.First of all, a mother should wait for her doctor's advice about whether her body is ready for intercourse or not. Having sex before the vaginal discharge stops completely puts the mother at serious risk of infection.  If the mother needed stitches after delivery, the healing process might take longer.  Intercourse can open up stitches which have not yet fully healed.  Alison* mentioned fatigue, which is to be expected after a baby is born. Sleepless nights, babies suffering from colic, babies who take long to drink - all of this tires out the mother, both physically and mentally. Fatigue is considered by experts as the biggest roadblock for a mother to feel sexy and desired again. Daddies feel tired too, but they still feel the need to be intimate with their woman. Males consider sex as a form of relaxation and as a way to feel emotionally close to their partner.  Luckily, these three mothers have partners who understand the situation. Attending parentcraft lessons together can be of great help in thinking about the changes the baby will bring to the couple's relationship.  Melanie mentioned the relatives' support which can be a great help.  It is very important to keep a sense of humour about the whole issue and keep reminding each other that soon your love life will return to normal.Watch out for symptoms of post-natal depression. Feelings of sadness and anxiety might last for months. Partners need to be very supportive and encourage the mother to seek professional help especially if she feels hopeless in her roles of mother and partner. Other males might find breastfeeding frustrating and tend to feel jealous towards the baby who is continuously cuddling with their partner while they are left out.Caressing a breastfeeding mother's breast and orgasm can lead to milk leaking out and this might be frustrating for the mother. It is important that the partner is compassionate and allows the mother to feel prepared to let go.Mothers, you need to do your part too. Be positive and think what a super woman you were while giving birth. Admire the fast changes occurring to your body and allow yourself the extravagance of buying some new, sexy lingerie to surprise your partner. Your partner is sharing the experience of parenthood with you and thus a few stretchmarks and some brown dots on your face needn't put him off. Feel free to discuss your feelings about sex with your partner - about what is putting off or what you would like to do. Sharing thoughts and feelings is the way towards becoming compatible and sexually intimate again.