Anabel Laus
David* is a Maltese freelance artist who holds art exhibitions and gives lectures. He has been living in Australia for the past 40 years. Australian-born Amanda, mother of a 12-year-old boy, is a television writer and script executive. David and Amanda both live in Sydney, each with their respective same-sex partners. 12 years ago, they had a child together using artificial insemination, an experience which they share here
Why did you opt to use artificial insemination?
Amanda: Initially, we went to a fertility clinic for two reasons: firstly, we tried with my partner's brother, so the child would have blood relationship to both mothers - but he lived in Melbourne (1,000km away), so we needed to have his semen frozen in order to easily access it. Secondly, I did not want to have sexual relations with the father, because this would have been equivalent to adultery in my relationship! So we felt it was a clearer situation to do it clinically.
When this wasn't working - partly due to the frozen sperm, I believe - and it was uncomfortable, time-consuming and expensive, we stopped trying for five years. Eventually, when we decided to try again, we decided to go with a local donor, David, so that we could control it ourselves and didn't need any clinical intervention or cost.
David: It couldn't have been simpler. I gave Amanda, the natural mother, a sample of my sperm in a sterilised jar, which she then applied herself. All done at home.
How did you choose your donor?
Amanda: The first donor was chosen because he was a blood relation to my partner, meaning the child would be related to us both.
In the second attempt to have a child five years later, we looked closely around at the men in our lives that we knew, liked and trusted, as opposed to an anonymous donor. We wanted his qualities to be that he was a good, intelligent person with a long-standing relationship with us, who we believed would support our decisions and stand by our agreements. We chose to ask David for all these reasons because it was important to us that the child would have an opportunity to know his father, and have a relationship with him.
David, why did you agree to be a donor?
I agreed to be a donor to help these two girls, who were very close friends of ours, who so wanted to have a child, and also because I was sure - turns out I was right, at least until now, almost thirteen years later - that if anyone was going to have a chance at a happy life, it was this child who was so wanted. After giving it a lot of thought, I agreed as I knew they would make very good parents and here was my opportunity to help create this life within these circumstances.
Was it hard to get pregnant? How many times did you try?
When I was using frozen sperm it was difficult to get pregnant and I attempted over six months. I did fall pregnant briefly during this period but I also had a small fibroid cyst and when I tried five years later, I had this cyst removed before commencing the attempt to conceive. The doctor suggested that I try the first month after the operation, as everything would be "all clear" and this attempt was successful. It happened the first time.
David: It wasn't hard at all, in fact if I am not mistaken, it worked on the third try.
What were the limitations of this method?
Amanda: Limitations for the first method (at a clinic), included the amount of sperm put aside - how often the donor could come to Sydney to donate, the cost of the procedures, the travelling to and from the clinic, in a Southern suburb, on several days to get blood tests and have the procedure.
There were no real limitations to the second (private) method - I used ovulation tests to make sure I was ovulating, then I called David and we met for an exchange of the semen on my way to work, as he lives nearby. Very simple.
David: There were no limitations that I can see.
Were there any bureaucratic problems and was it difficult to surmount them?
Amanda: Bureaucratic problems were not apparent except in the first method (at the clinic). I did not claim myself to be a lesbian, so my partner was not included in the appointments. The donor had to be counselled and assessed so that he could sign away any rights to the child, and there were several sessions. In the second method, there was no bureaucracy but David did have every type of test (for HIV and sperm count etc) - to make sure that the donations were viable. There was the difficulty of knowing what to put on the birth certificate as there is only a place for mother/father and no way of acknowledging mother/partner/father... Because David was put on the birth certificate as father, there is also the need to have his father's permission to leave the country, but this has never been a problem.
David: There were no bureaucratic problems at all although I did have family problems at first. I come from a very religious family, and initially, they took it very hard. I suppose it was naive of me, but I never for a minute thought there would be any repercussions, I did not equate this - and still don't - with being in any way offensive from a religious point of view. Why would it be? In fact, I think the whole thing is very spiritual. I am glad to say these problems have all been solved and my family couldn't be happier.
What was the emotional and social relationship of the father with the child over the years?
Amanda: The emotional and social relationship to the father has been in place since Julian was born. From very early in his life, David spent one day a week looking after Julian, and continues to do that every week. Now he picks him up from school once a week, takes him home for dinner and homework. He spends two days every week of school holidays with his father and partner, and the family spend Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays and Christmas together, as well as weekly socialising. We attend many school events as a family and David is very involved, including taking Julian for three trips to Malta to meet with family and friends.
David, what was your emotional and social relationship with the child over the years?
Over the years, my relationship with my son only grows stronger. In fact I feel very strange using the word "donor". I've been seeing him every week since the day he was born. He spends two days a week with us during school holidays and at least one day per week when he is in school. He loves having four parents and is very close to his family, by nature. He calls me dad, he calls my partner by his name - it seems by mutual consent - although he sees him as another parent. He calls his birth mum "Mummy" and his other mum "Mum". He really loves this background, and seems to regard his circumstance as a definite asset. His school environment is very nurturing and open to this, and he has never known any negative or derogatory feeling or attitudes all his life. I have to say that my relationship with my son is evolving over the years. I didn't really have an idea of how big being a parent is, and he has always regarded me as the father, pure and simple, with all its implications - a bit scary sometimes - but also wonderful.
Would you recommend this method of conception to others?
Amanda: I would definitely recommend the private insemination method to anyone who is willing to undergo the medical tests to ensure the semen is viable and uncontaminated. I believe this natural method, though not involving sexual congress, is a cheap, successful alternative, which keeps it private between families. However, although we didn't have a contract in place, some couples have difficulty with their known donors after time and may need to have contracts drawn up to cover each person's "rights" to the child.
David: Yes I would recommend it. In my case, there were no negatives at all. Just one word of caution and one thing is very much required: trust. For this to work, it is absolutely necessary that you totally trust the people you do this with. It is a very big issue.
What else have you thought about this experience?
Amanda: I would add that we were extremely lucky to have such a wonderful father for Julian and have never regretted any part of this. Julian seems to be very well-adjusted, loving all his parents and family. So far, in his Sydney life, he has had no negative experiences due to the circumstances of his birth and most of his friends at school say he is lucky.
* Names have been changed in the interest of the privacy