No-one likes to be judged or criticised, especially by people who are important to them. Such experiences can leave us feeling not smart enough, attractive enough or valued. These experiences tend to hit us a lot harder, however, if we already don't think very highly of ourselves. If a colleague told you you're not good at your job, for instance, but you believe in yourself and your work abilities, this comment may annoy and anger you, but you probably wouldn't agonise over it. If, on the other hand, you doubt your abilities and have low self-worth, a negative comment from a colleague may hit quite deep. You may feel defensive and lash out, wonder if everyone else thinks the same as they do, or feel hopeless, sad and self-critical. Therefore, understanding where your low self-worth comes from and working to improve it, is crucial for your wellbeing.

Where does this belief that you're not good enough stem from?

There are a number of factors and experiences which shape our core beliefs, particularly when we're children and our impressions about ourselves and the world around us are still forming. Possible sources of the "I'm not good enough" core belief are listed below.

Bullying

If you were bullied as a child, or experienced bullying or harassment in the workplace, these experiences may have caused you to question your abilities and worth as a person. You may have been shamed or criticised for how you looked, your performance on the sporting field or in the classroom or simply for being "different". Whatever the "reason", bullying can have a devastating impact on self-worth.

Abuse

Physical, sexual or emotional abuse at the hands of parents or caregivers can be incredibly devastating for a growing child. Not only do abused children learn very early on that the world is not a safe place, but that people cannot be trusted. Abused or traumatised children often blame themselves for their treatment and experience deep shame related to the abuse and themselves.

Growing up in a critical environment

If you were regularly criticised by authority figures (parents, teachers, sports coaches and so on), you probably learnt very early on that your efforts or capabilities were below par. Chances are you learnt to be very self-critical as a result.

Lack of academic support

Children all learn at different paces and in different ways. If you experienced difficulties in the classroom and you didn't have the support needed to help you understand what was being taught and what was expected of you, you may have internalised the belief that you're "stupid" or "not smart enough". In some children, this can manifest in misbehaviour, giving up and a gradual decline in performance, thus reinforcing this belief that they're not smart enough.

Early loss

If you experienced a traumatic or confusing loss, such as parents separating without allowing you time to adjust and maintain a relationship with both parents, the unconscious conclusion you may have made is "I'm not worthy of mum/dad's love".

Social media

Social media can be a great medium when used wisely. Unfortunately, it can also give a very unrealistic portrayal of people's lives, creating a platform where people compare themselves, their accomplishments and daily lives with those of others. People are often left feeling - "I'm not slim enough, pretty enough, successful enough or doing enough".

How can you start to feel better about yourself?

Consider therapy

A professional can help you understand where your "I'm not good enough" script developed, identify ways it plays out in your relationships and life in general, and begin processing any abuse or trauma you've experienced. They can also help you develop more healthy coping mechanisms and a more loving and compassionate relationship with yourself.

Stop criticising yourself

Pay attention to when and how often you criticise yourself. You'll be quite surprised how often this happens. The next time you criticise yourself, gently stop yourself. Your internal dialogue may go something like this - "No, I don't want to criticise myself anymore". Then replace the critical statement with something kinder, such as, "I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes".  With practice, you'll find yourself criticising yourself less and less.

Practice self-care

If you want to start liking yourself, you need to start treating yourself as you would a loved one. That means cooking meals you enjoy, eating healthy food, not over-working, getting enough sleep, allowing adequate time for rest and relaxation, and so on.

Choose your buddies wisely

Have a really honest look at your relationships, noting who supports, encourages and accepts you as you are, and who doesn't. It may be time to re-assess how much time you want to spend with the people in your life who regularly put you down or make you feel unworthy.

Re-think comparison

When you hear about or see others' success, see people looking good and enjoying things you don't have, remember that we're all at different stages of life and will achieve things at our own pace. Life is not a race or competition so compare yourself instead to younger versions of yourself and notice your growth and progress.

Give yourself credit

Write a list of things you do well, have achieved or even (brace yourself for this one) like about yourself. I've often worked with people who find this so difficult, even though as I sit there with them, I can think of so many things I really like and admire about them. If you find this too difficult, ask someone you trust to help you.

Psychotherapist Danjela Falzon works with clients on issues related to anxiety, depression, burnout, stress, relationships, sexuality, personality disorders, self-esteem and self-growth. She forms part of the team at paths Clinic. For more information visit www.paths.care