Whether it's not being chosen for your dream job, being passed up for promotion, not being invited out with the ladies at work, or your partner ending the relationship, rejection stings. No matter how much we try to avoid rejection hurting, we're hardwired to experience pain when rejected. A 2011 study by the University of Michigan (Wager et al) found that when people were placed in an MRI machine and asked to recall a recent rejection, the areas of the brain activated were the same as those activated when we experience physical pain.

You may be interested to know, however, that the greatest pain caused by rejection is actually self-inflicted. If you're wondering how this is possible, think back to the last time you felt rejected and try to recall how it made you feel about yourself. What kind of thoughts came up about you as a person? The initial pain of rejection is exacerbated by what we tell ourselves about the experience and what we conclude about ourselves and our future. So, keeping this in mind, I'd like to share with you some tools which can help you pick yourself up faster when you've been rejected:

 

Allow yourself to feel the pain

It's very tempting to try to distract yourself from the full force of the pain when you feel rejected. You may drink excessively, quickly jump into another relationship, make impulsive decisions or keep so busy that you have no time to feel anything. However, such behaviour often prolongs the pain and causes other problems along the way. It's important that you allow yourself to grieve so that, when the time is right, you'll move on to bigger and brighter things.

 

Exercise self-compassion

I'm often at the receiving end of blank, confused stares when I suggest to people that they need to be more compassionate with themselves. Self-compassion is not something we're taught when we're young, but it's so crucial. Adopting a more self-compassionate stance involves treating ourselves as we would someone we care about, such as a friend, a child, and so on. At times when we experience rejection, it would involve not being self-critical, not judging ourselves and giving ourselves the permission and time to work through our feelings.

 

Ditch the rose-tinted glasses

When a relationship ends, we have a tendency to idealise the person who left us and focus only on the good aspects of the relationship, playing these memories over and over in our heads. The same can also happen when we don't get the job or opportunity we applied for. We imagine the job we wanted as our 'dream job' although we have no way of knowing if we would have even liked it. Take the time to also remember the aspects of the person or job etc you didn't like. Recall the less happy times or the times you felt frustrated or unsatisfied. This isn't 'sour grapes' but a way to have a more balanced and realistic outlook on what was lost.

 

Learn more about yourself

How we react to rejection is often closely linked with past experiences, particularly those from our childhood. Rejection is likely to feel more painful if we felt rejected by a parent or experienced exclusion or severe bullying as children. As adults, we often unconsciously seek out partners or experiences which re-create our past trauma in an unconscious attempt to heal the earlier wound. You may always find yourself in relationships with unavailable or abusive partners, for instance. Use a painful rejection to learn more about yourself and how your unresolved issues from the past are affecting you in the present. Therapy or counselling may be a good idea if you find this process too difficult or painful.

 

Believe in yourself

Concluding you're unworthy or inadequate when rejected would be an incorrect assumption. And it would be an assumption based on a belief that our validity and worth as people is dependent on external sources - a job title, getting into the best university, a right swipe on Tinder, being in a relationship and so on. We are all enough just as we are, and whilst a meaningful job, nice house etc can help us feel fulfilled, we can only be truly happy if we love ourselves just as we are.

 

 

Adopt a growth mindset

Much of the hurt and struggle of rejection isn't based on the loss itself but on what we conclude about ourselves and our future. A career setback doesn't mean that you'll never reach your goals. It may mean simply waiting a little longer, changing direction, or reinventing yourself. Failure or rejection can be an opportunity for you to take stock, re-assess what you want, and learn from the experience.

 

Seek support

Finally, I'd like to encourage you to reach out to people who care for you, take good care of yourself and trust that the pain and disappointment will pass. If anything I've written resonates with you and you wish to learn more, do seek the guidance and support of a professional therapist or counsellor. It will not only make things more bearable in the short-term but will help you to develop more resilience and strength to cope with life's future challenges.

 

Psychotherapist Danjela Falzon works with clients on issues related to anxiety, depression, burnout, stress, relationships, sexuality, personality disorders, self-esteem and self-growth. She forms part of the team at paths Clinic. For more information, visit www.paths.care.