As humans, we naturally seek some level of external validation, the sense of being seen, valued, and accepted by the people around us. This might come as praise from a colleague, a compliment from a partner, or reassurance from a friend during a difficult period. But at what point does our need for external validation become unhealthy? What does that shift look like, and how does social media contribute?

In my work as a therapist, I'm often struck by how strongly clients feel the need to post frequent life updates on social media, and how much importance they place on the reactions they receive. While this is now typical for younger generations, it raises concerns about how social media reinforces excessive dependence on external validation.

You may be wondering, where does this excessive need for external validation come from? Not surprisingly, the roots of validation-seeking stem from childhood experiences, with children who received too much praise, and those who received very little, often growing into adults who rely on reassurance and praise for their self worth.

Receiving praise and validation as children is important for emotional development and can help in the building of healthy self-esteem. However, excessive praise and validation, especially when not grounded in a realistic understanding of a child's abilities, can foster inflated self-confidence, entitlement, and later interpersonal challenges. This often becomes evident when a child who has been repeatedly told they are exceptionally talented or gifted enters school or begins a sport, only to discover they are not as exceptional as they were led to believe. Similarly, when children learn that positive attention is tied to achievement and "doing well", they may internalise the belief that their worth depends on their performance. As adults, this can translate into a persistent drive for praise as a way to maintain a sense of worth.

On the other extreme, children who are frequently criticised or who receive minimal praise or positive attention often carry low self-confidence and diminished self-worth into adulthood. As a result, they may become dependent on frequent external validation to counterbalance their negative self-perception. Because they often struggle to trust their own judgement, self‑validation becomes difficult, reinforcing their reliance on others to feel worthy.

For those of you who recognise yourself in the above, yet are not sure if your tendency to seek external validation is excessive, a few signs this may be the case are listed below:

• You're constantly pushing yourself to overachieve in an attempt to gain praise from others;
• You feel the need to post frequently on social media and then give excessive importance to the attention received from such posts, that is number of likes, comments received, and so on;
• You feel the need to seek frequent reassurance from friends and loved ones about how you look, your work performance, your abilities;
• You struggle to make decisions on your own without someone else's input;
• You say "yes" to tasks and plans you'd rather say "no" to;
• You rarely disagree with or challenge others due to fear of being judged or rejected;
• You frequently compare yourself to others;
• You feel distressed when you're not the centre of attention; and
• You fabricate or exaggerate life circumstances to gain sympathy from others.

When you rely heavily on external validation, the reassurance or satisfaction you feel after receiving praise is rather short-lived. This is because when confidence or self-worth is low, external affirmation offers only temporary relief and does little to address the deeper issues driving the need for validation. While seeking reassurance from others may feel comforting in the moment, a more helpful long‑term approach is to strengthen your ability to validate yourself and work through the underlying causes of low self-worth. Here are some ideas on how you can do this.

Explore your childhood wounds - What childhood experiences do you feel damaged your self-confidence or self-worth? Were you bullied as a child, or criticised by significant adults, such as teachers, parents or other family members? Think about what your younger self needed back then and become the parent to yourself that you always needed. For instance, you may decide to treat yourself with love and care and speak to yourself kindly (that is no self-criticism). Treating yourself as you'd treat someone you love can be an important first step in boosting your self-worth.

Engage in self-care - Examples of self-care include putting boundaries where needed, exercising regularly, ensuring you have adequate sleep and rest, and cooking yourself healthy, nutritious food.

Surround yourself with supportive people - This may include professional support. Look out for support groups in your area or a therapist who can support you as you work towards building greater self-worth.

Start focusing on internal validation - When you're feeling uncertain or insecure, your automatic response may be to seek the opinion or reassurance of another person. Instead, practice stopping for a moment and validating yourself. This may sound something like, "I'm okay just the way I am" or "I made a mistake but it's okay, no-one's perfect", and so on. You'll find that the relief and reassurance which comes from internal validation lasts considerably longer than external validation, and in time builds self-trust and confidence.

Be wary of people who invalidate you - If there's someone in your life who puts you down, even in a subtle way, or who makes you feel like your emotions are not important or valid, this person is not a "safe" person to be vulnerable with.

Use social media mindfully - Before you post something, ask yourself, "Why am I posting this? Am I seeking approval or reassurance? How will I feel if I don't get the response I'm looking for?" Try to be aware of what you're feeling or what you may need. For instance, if you feel alone, is there a friend you could call for a chat or to meet up with? Is there an activity which could help you fill a void and make you feel more engaged? This is about finding healthier alternatives to posting online for validation.