By this time next week it will all be over, and we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Or can we? I wonder whether it will be so easy for Maltese society to mend the jagged holes that have appeared in its very fabric as a result of the irresponsible and downright hurtful statements which have been bandied back and forth.

What has appalled me the most about this whole referendum campaign is the sheer lack of empathy − although the mind-blowing hypocrisy comes a close second. We have been exposed for the selfish, judgemental, so quick-to-condemn nation that we are.

Let’s take that much-maligned word ‘values’. The No lobby has milked this word for all its worth, and by doing so has tried to own it, as if only ‘normal’ families can go around gloating that they have values. To hear them speak (and to see their billboards) it is as if only married couples with 2.5 children are decent, hardworking people who love their families. How insulting to all the other kinds of Maltese families who do not fit this mould and how clearly it sums up the often hysterical objections to divorce. Malice and spite are at the heart of it, I’ve concluded. Yes, spite, and the barely concealed sneer towards people who have been forced to “live in sin” because remarriage is impossible. They should be kept in their place, tolerated as a novelty but not quite ‘accepted’ if you know what I mean. “What do you mean we should give their union the status of ‘marriage’? Who do they think they are?”

This is, of course, unbelievable in a country where thousands of unmarried couples have set up home together, and in many cases, have gone on to have children from their second relationship.

The way the smugly married speak about those whose marriage has failed tends to follow one of two patterns. You either get the condescending statement, “Heqq, my heart bleeds for them, but what can you do, hux? It’s a cross they have to bear.” Or else they speak about separated people as if they are the lowest of the low – portraying them all as pathetic losers who are out gallivanting until all hours of the morning at nightclubs because they are now suddenly ‘free’. And, of course, their children are all juvenile delinquents.

If you, like me, know a number of people who are separated, these kinds of statements are incredibly wounding. Let’s not forget that behind the statistics people quote so blithely there are human faces, and human lives. For the people I know whose marriage has not worked out did not just wake up one morning and slam the door on their vows simply because they were in a bad mood. Like me, I’m sure you know stories of decent women (and men) who have picked up the pieces of their fractured lives, rolled up their sleeves and gone to work, raising their children as well as they know how, in a loving, caring environment.

Doesn’t the phrase ‘family values’ apply to them too, or does a broken marriage mean you have suddenly become a devil-worshipping monster with two heads?

If you have never had to go through the process of gut wrenching court sittings as you split up property and argue over child custody and alimony with the person you once loved, you cannot begin to imagine what separation proceedings are like. The stress, the turmoil and the upheaval do not end when you sign the papers either, especially when children are involved. It can take at least two years, and sometimes much longer, for the rancour and bitterness to tone down on both sides. In some cases, unfortunately, the anger and yes, hatred, never go away.

So when I hear what passes for argumentation from the anti-divorce brigade, I cannot help but get upset. These people just do not know what it’s like, I think, but then I stop myself – wait, surely they do not live in a bubble? Surely, they must know someone who is separated and wishes to have the chance for a fresh start? As someone told me recently, “divorce gives you the chance to close a chapter in the book of your life”. She has not remarried, out of choice, but the physical act of signing the divorce papers helped her to move on from a marriage, which died the moment she accepted the fact that her husband was never coming back. Her children, incidentally, agreed with the divorce because they too could see that the marriage was over.

Here may I point out that it takes incredible heartlessness for the No lobby to use billboards showing woeful-looking children – do they realise that those billboards can be understood by children who are heartbroken because their parents have already separated? This is coming from people who claim to have children’s interest at heart.

Hypocrisy rules, OK?

Then there’s the hypocrisy. I can (almost) understand those who object to divorce because they genuinely believe it goes against their faith.

But the hypocrites make me want to scream. The married men with a roving eye who will leer lasciviously at anything in a skirt, but who will tell everyone loudly why they don’t agree with divorce. Or the people who have been lucky to get themselves an annulment and are now remarried, but who pronounce themselves against divorce because ‘it is not a solution’. There are even high profile people lobbying publicly against divorce and bemoaning the demise of the family as we know it, who really need to take a good long, hard look at their own lives and perhaps keep silent. There is a very colourful expression in Maltese involving smelly armpits, which is quite apt.

Like many of you, I have been receiving a series of spammed emails from someone whose address is [email protected]. The latest one laments the fact that no fault divorce means that the person who is to blame will be ‘rewarded’ by being allowed to remarry. What is this fixation with wanting to apportion blame and to mete out punishment? What a very Christian outlook indeed. Suffer, baby, suffer, for what you did to me. It is slyly exploiting a very common trait in human nature – that of vindictiveness, even at the cost of never being at peace with one’s self.

This, too, is hypocrisy, for in a debate that has shamelessly used the name of God and Jesus at every turn, telling us what He wants, it suddenly becomes legitimate to encourage revenge. I guess they must have missed that bit about ‘forgiveness’ during their catechism classes.

The biggest losers

When all is said and done, I cannot see how the Church can come out of this referendum with its head held high. Nor, for that matter can the Nationalist Party. For, in both cases, they have used scaremongering and subtle intimidation to force their sheep to stay within the fold.

There used to be a time when people were afraid to show their support for a political party and it was the PN (ironically) which fought tooth and nail for freedom of expression and association. Today, it seems people are afraid to voice their stand on divorce for fear of being discriminated against in some way and, in a few cases I know of, they have been made aware (again very subtly) that they are putting their job on the line. This is all against the law, of course, for according to the General Elections Act, no one can exert any form of pressure on you to vote one way or the other, but the pressure is insidious and very hard to prove.

Ultimately, this has turned out to be a battle by the powers that be over the control of people’s minds and the right to vote on a civil right as they please without fear of repercussions. As in a relationship, the more you threaten or resort to emotional blackmail, the more the other person wants to get away from you.

There is a well-known saying which goes, “If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if they don’t they were never yours in the first place.”

If you think about it, that maxim applies to the Church and political parties as much as it applies to relationships.

And finally…

Having watched the hysterics on Xarabank, I have concluded that the ridiculous, irrational (and sometimes downright scary) arguments by those who are against divorce have helped the Yes lobby more than anything else.

[email protected]