Joseph Muscat’s assistants have proved to us that they can count higher than 50, and have added on an extra point for that sought-after touch of panache

I’m trying to work out what the strategy is here. Do they want people to actually read them? If so, they should have gone with far fewer than 51 because attention spans are short, life is rushed, and saturation point is reached somewhere around 20 - hence Joseph Muscat’s 20-point ‘plan’ on immigration some time in 2009.

But I don’t think they want people to read them. I think they picked a magic number which they thought would stick in the mind and then worked towards it, getting a bunch of Forum Żgħażagħ Laburisti and Fondazzjoni Idejat activists round a table with a crate of soft drinks and some ‘biksits and krips’ and asking them to brainstorm. “Isa, forza, we’re at 31 already. Only another 20 to go. Retbull, anyone?”

So, because the Labour Party doesn’t really want me to read those ’51 proposals’ and find out that they are anything but, I made myself a hot cup of mint tea and sat down with them. Hmmmm. A Labour government will make the process of company mergers and acquisitions cheaper and easier. That’s nice for anyone planning on snapping up Simonds Farsons Cisk or merging with KPMG. Self-employed people are going to ‘be allowed to work’ (I quote), which is also nice given that lots of us have memories which are not nice of 16 years of obstacles and aggression in which business was The Enemy, coming a close second to free speech.

When development projects are planned, they will make sure there is enough parking. Impressive, given that adequate parking has been one of the planning authority’s foremost requirements in project assessment for years already. Then they reassure us, because Labour has a bit of history to the contrary (and I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you this one in Maltese, not to lose anything in translation): Proposal Number Five – “Gvern li jkun safe ghall-business u negozji.” Indeed. Thank you for putting my mind at rest. I am sure many others feel the same.

The Labour Party also proposes ‘giving rights’ to cohabiting couples. Oh, isn’t that in the pipeline already? So no effort required then. Same-sex couples will have civil unions. That’s nice too. And there’ll be a law on IVF. That’s...nice as well, and what’s even nicer is that no effort is required here either, because the bulk of it has been done already.

Once you’ve had your baby by IVF or other means, Labour will make sure you get an extra four weeks of maternity leave, but they won’t tell you whether it’s going to be the state or the employer who’s going to carry the cost. Like you care, you know? As long as you get paid, why should you bother where the money comes from, even if it means that employers are going to give women of child-bearing age the brush-off. And where’s the progressive liberalism? It should be paternity leave too, unless Labour thinks that post il-mara huwa d-dar. It might be more convenient, career-wise, for daddy to stay home instead.

Proposal number 11 tells us that Labour will develop a plan of incentives to get women out to work. My attention has begun to wander already because I’ve had two decades of discussing this, but please stick with me. Umpteen things have been done to get women back to work, so unless Labour plans to introduce a hefty luxury tax on non-working wives, then simple observation should tell them there’s no solution to this one except natural attrition. You’re not going to get middle-aged women back to work, but younger women won’t even want to stop working, so time will solve the numbers problem, though it will do the opposite with the birth-rate problem.

Utility rates – no thank you, move on, next please. I’m sick to death of those. Oh but they’re going to have a new gas-fired power station, without telling us more, or who is selling the technology they’re so keen on. If we ring Brussels, will John Dalli tell us, do you think? And they’re going to have a Minister for Utilities. Imagine that – a minister for water and electricity, in a state the size of a British town.

Now look at this: police officers and soldiers are going to be allowed to join trade unions. Isn’t that...progressive? Ours may yet become the world’s first army to go on strike or work to rule. Private Zammit, Private Borg and Captain Camilleri will link arms outside the detention camps, singing ‘We shall overcome’ and ‘We shall not be moved’ while their wives bring them sandwiches and bottles of fizz. Our policemen might be the first ever to be locked out of their place of work. But who by – if even the soldiers are on strike that day?

The first thing a Labour government will do, proposal number 18 says, is reverse this government’s decision to pay ministers their salary as a member of parliament as well. That’s tempting to electors, though only to those who are inclined to vote Labour so that others earn less rather than so that they might earn more. This is called, in the trade, the ‘lanzit vote’, though it should never be under-estimated.

Of course, this leaves Muscat’s cabinet, including his new Minister of Utilities, in the unenviable position of earning less than their MP colleagues who are not ministers. If you are an MP who is not a minister, you can keep your day job as a doctor, lawyer or architect (or whatever) but if you are a minister you are not allowed to do so. That should go down well with Marlene Farrugia, Minister of Utilities, who will have to give up her dental practice and her property restoration for a basic minister’s salary. And what about, say, deputy prime minister Anġlu Farrugia, unless he plans on keeping his law practice going on the side?

I’m still at proposal number 18, but have run out of space and patience. I did think of saying ‘to be continued’, but I don’t know whether I’ll bother if something more fascinating or credible pops up before Sunday. If you’re going to plough your way through those magic ’51 proposti’, plan a treat for afterwards. You’ll need it.