When an act of violence is physical and brutal there seems to be little disagreement about whether this is acceptable and the majority are quick to condemn such aggressive acts, feeling empathy towards the victims involved. But when it comes to the more subtle forms of violence, as is emotional abuse, the matter becomes controversial and complex. There also seems to be a lack of consensus amongst the general public with regards to what behaviours can be considered emotionally abusive and consequently punishable by law.

Defining child emotional abuse

According to most recent literature reviews, persistent and chronic parenting and child-care practices that seriously interfere with the child’s cognitive, social, emotional or psychological development constitute emotional abuse. This can include ignoring, rejecting, isolating, ridiculing, humiliating, threatening, exploiting or corrupting, verbally assaulting, terrorising and neglecting the child’s physical or emotional needs. Many children get so used to being treated badly that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but there is.  Some children may therefore find it very difficult to disclose such abuse because for them being treated that way is normal.  They may also feel fearful to disclose the abuse because they would probably have mixed feelings about telling somebody especially if the abuser is a very close family member.  They feel confused and they would probably fear the person who is abusing but would like the person at the same time.  Children would want the abuse to stop but they would not want the person to get in trouble and would feel guilty if they disclose.

The effects of child emotional abuse

Although the repercussions of emotional abuse on a child may be more difficult to discern this does not imply that they are less consequential than other forms of maltreatment.   On the contrary, existing research suggests that child emotional abuse is a stronger predictor than physical maltreatment of a wide array of future problems, including challenging behaviour, anxiety, social impairment, low self-esteem, suicidal behaviour, as well as current and previous psychiatric diagnoses and hospitalizations.

Shame and anger

Shame is a feeling commonly experienced by children who suffer emotional abuse. It is evoked in children when they are subject to any form of social rejection, bullying or taunting and when they seek acceptance from significant adults in their life and are instead met with criticism and derogation. 

Shame and the antithetical feeling of pride are core emotional experiences in childhood and throughout life because more than any other emotion, they are directly and immediately responsible for the child’s sense of self.  A child experiencing shame may feel exposed, unworthy, dejected and highly self-conscious.  The resulting behaviour is often times withdrawal from others, in an effort to conceal what they are ashamed of.  A child on the other hand, who experiences a sense of pride in themselves is likely to behave in a more outward manner, and consequently more likely to succeed in life.

The uniquely painful feelings associated with shame are unfortunately hard to get rid of and recover from. Repeated experiences of shame and humiliation can lead to a build up of an intense form of retaliatory anger and consequently the desperate need to rid oneself of this fury. The danger of this is that anger may be turned inward towards the self or outward towards others. A child however, is unlikely to retaliate in anger towards the offending adult, especially if he or she is a trusted person or one whom the child depends on.  Yet these feelings need to find expression and it is this pent up, free-floating rage that is most dangerous to society.

Children who are exposed to repeated incidents of harsh criticism, shouting and derogation often times end up showing disproportionate reactions to peers, such as the use of hitting and bullying.  What’s more is that aggression and anti-social behaviour which has its roots in childhood, is the most linked with adult criminality, drug abuse and domestic violence.

A fragile sense of self

Well-meaning parents often pass on negative messages to their children because they wish them to “improve” and eventually succeed in a competitive world.  Parents feel justified in their criticism when their children behave badly and when they are able to balance this with praise. Often times, these parents do not regard themselves as critical because they also offer praise for good behaviour. But cumulatively these negative messages have a lasting impact on the child’s developing sense of self, conveying to them that they are inadequate and incompetent.  These messages form part of what is called the ‘internal working model’ which is developed in childhood and comprises what we believe about ourselves, others and the world. 

Having negative beliefs about oneself as being worthless and beyond redemption is a crucial aspect of depression.  Contrary to popular belief, children are just as prone to experience depressive feelings as adults and with the same intensity. Additionally, when they turn to their parents for comfort and instead are met with indifference or punishment, then they remain stuck with these negative feelings and do not develop the capacity to regulate themselves.  This is the skill that children need in order to solve problems, persist and not give up in the face of adversity. A child who is confident will seek solutions when things go wrong but a child who feels ineffective will react with hopelessness or assume he is to blame.

The internal working model we develop as a child follows us into adulthood and is triggered by similar environmental cues. Every time an individual is faced with criticism and adversity the same negative messages about the self will surface together with the painful feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. This internal model also guides us in our relationships with others because it informs us about how it feels to be with another.  If others have consistently treated you as inferior, you believe you are and expect others to treat you in the same way.  These expectations inform behaviour and often draw others into confirming the expectations, setting up a vicious cycle that is hard to break.  Children who receive repeated negative messages about themselves from significant adults are then likely to enter into emotionally abusive relationships as adults.

All of the above has important implications for the style of parenting one chooses to adopt when raising their child.

The risks of over-discipline

Many parents are under the false impression that discipline is tantamount to harsh punishment, criticism and commands.  It is often argued that a good dose of discipline is necessary to instil a sense of morality in children. One reason for this may be that by creating a relationship based on dominance and submission parents gain the illusion of control over their child.

Yet the negative effects of an over-disciplined style of parenting based on criticism, control, threats and use of fear are both immediate and far-reaching.  Aside from modelling relationships based on power and control, which a child is likely to re-enact with others, the child also learns about inappropriate ways to vent out frustration and anger. The use of insults for example, merely teaches children that it’s OK to put others down and that this can be justified by another’s behaviour:  ‘You’re lazy because you didn’t put away your toys’. 

Moreover, neurobiological research now tells us that this repeated use of this form of discipline may actually be changing stress-response systems in the child’s brain making them over-sensitive (prone to anxiety) and over-reactive (prone to rage),

Discipline is therefore, a serious matter and the methods a parent chooses to use have implications not only for the child in question but for the future of society at large.  The use of emotional violence with a child may not leave visible signs which provide immediate, irrefutable evidence but the hidden scars of this type of abuse which manifest in various ways, are deep and long-lasting.

Breaking the cycle of abuse

If a parent or guardian has a history of child abuse, having children can trigger strong memories and feelings that may have been repressed. This may happen when a child is born, or at later ages when specific memories of abuse resurface. The person may be shocked and overwhelmed by their anger, and feel like they can’t control it. New ways to manage emotions and break old patterns may be learnt.

Remember, parents or guardians are the most important persons in a child’s world. It’s worth the effort to make a change. Help and support are available.

Tips for changing your reactions

Learn what is age appropriate and what is not. Having realistic expectations of what children can handle at certain ages will help you avoid frustration and anger at normal child behaviour. For example, newborns are not going to sleep through the night without waking up, and toddlers are not going to be able to sit quietly for long periods of time.

Develop new parenting skills. While learning to control your emotions is critical, you also need a plan of what you are going to do instead. Start by learning appropriate discipline techniques and how to set clear boundaries for your children. Parenting classes, books, and seminars are a way to get this information. You can also turn to other parents for tips and advice.

Take care of yourself. If you are not getting enough rest and support or you’re feeling overwhelmed, you are much more likely to succumb to anger. Sleep deprivation, common in parents of young children, adds to moodiness and irritability.  This is exactly what you are trying to avoid.

Get professional help. Breaking the cycle of abuse can be very difficult if the patterns are strongly entrenched. If you can’t seem to stop yourself no matter how hard you try, it’s time to get help, be it therapy, parenting classes, or other interventions. Your children will thank you for it.

Learn how you can get your emotions under control. The first step to getting your emotions under control is realizing that they are there. If you were abused as a child, you may have an especially difficult time getting in touch with your range of emotions. You may have had to deny or repress them as a child, and now they spill out without your control.

References

Barish, K. (2009). Emotions in child psychotherapy: an integrative framework. Oxford University Press.

Carr, A. (2006). The handbook of child and adolescent clinical psychology: A contextual approach. 2nd Edition. Routledge

Gerhardt, S. (2004). Why love matters: how affection shapes a baby’s brain. Routledge. 

Sunderland, M. (2007). What every parent needs to know: the remarkable effects of love, nurture and play on your child’s development. London, DK.