Self-harm is a double bind. It provides relief but painful emotions quickly return and when you feel unable to cope, you may try to harm yourself again. Feeling guilty or ashamed of harming yourself or feeling afraid that someone may find out about it can make you feel worse.

 

There are things you can do to help yourself feel better without causing any harm. There are some things you can do whenever you feel the urge to harm yourself. There are other things you can do at any time. Different things work for different people so if something doesn't work for you it just means that there's something else you can do.

You may feel very lonely coping with your emotions. Reaching out to someone who can support and help can make you feel less lonely. Whatever you try to do to help yourself, it is much easier to cope if you feel that there is someone who supports you. 

Overcoming self-harm is a process, not an instant solution. It is very common for someone to manage to reduce their self-harm for a while and then to fall back into self-harming more often. This does not mean you have failed. It is part of the process of making changes which can feel difficult and overwhelming. Remind yourself that you have not failed. You made progress the first time and you will be able to do it again.
You might not feel that it is possible to stop harming yourself altogether. Be sincere with yourself about what you can expect to achieve and be realistic about what you can do for yourself on your own. Simply telling yourself that you must stop self-harming and expecting that to happen immediately might not be enough for you to stop. Be kind to yourself. Say that you will take the first step towards reducing your self-harm in the future and then take things one step at a time.

Remember that with support and understanding you will feel better able to cope. However you feel about the people around you, remind yourself that there are people out there who have felt the way you do and who have been able to overcome their emotional pain. With the right kind of help, you can do it too. If you don't feel that anyone can understand you and support you, there are people you can talk to confidentially. Call 179 for support at any time of day or night.

Keep a diary

Write down how you feel and what happens before, during and after each time you self-harm. Do this regularly for, say, one month. It will help you work out when you feel the urge to harm yourself and how to recognise when it is going to happen.

Find out what triggers the urge

A trigger is something that kicks off your urge to harm yourself. Triggers can be very different things. Having to meet someone you don't like, for instance might be a trigger. Or you might feel an urge in a particular situation, at a certain time of day or on an anniversary. A particular thought or feeling might also be a trigger. Your diary can help you work out what triggers your urge to self-harm.
The experience of thinking through your feelings can be very distressing emotionally, so if you feel able to do so, ask another person to help you. This can be someone you trust like a friend or a member or your family. Always plan to do something pleasant and relaxing afterwards so that you will feel better.

Recognise the warning signs

Warning signs can vary at different times of day and in different situations. You might feel nauseous and out of breath and feel your heart racing. Emotionally, you might feel sad, angry, desperate or afraid, or your mood turns black. Perhaps you feel that your mind is foggy and that you can't think properly.

Some people feel that they're disconnected from themselves, as if they are outside their own body and unable to feel any physical sensation at all. You might find yourself thinking specific things like "pain", "hurt", or "I have to cut myself". Recognising the warning signs can help you feel better able to cope with the urge to harm yourself.

Distract yourself

Learning how to distract yourself when you feel the urge can help you to gain control over it. When you have worked out what feelings and situations make you feel you want to harm yourself, you can compile a list of things you can do to distract yourself.

Doing something that distracts you can help to reduce the intensity of the urge to harm yourself. A distraction is whatever works for you in a particular situation, as long as it's not harmful to you or to anyone else. Distractions are like tools. Each one suits a particular situation. They are things you can do when you feel the urge to hurt yourself or when you become aware that you are doing something to harm yourself.

Delay your self-harm

When you feel the urge to harm yourself, tell yourself to wait for five minutes. Slowly practice building up the time you tell yourself to wait. Increase the wait from five minutes to ten and then to twenty, thirty, an afternoon, a day, a week, and so on. By doing this gradually, you will reduce how often you feel the urge. You may find you self-harm again but you will now know that you can wait. That will make you feel stronger and more in control.

Other things you can do to help yourself feel better

Be nice to yourself. How you think about yourself and how you speak to yourself can make a big difference to how you fell. Negative self-talk makes you feel bad. Positive self-talk may feel false at first, but in the end it will make you feel better. Replace bad thoughts with good ones. If, say, you find yourself thinking "I think nobody likes me so I feel I'm going to cut myself", consciously tell yourself something else, like "I feel like cutting myself but instead I'm going to write down how I feel."

You might also find it helpful to write down anything positive you feel or like about yourself, no matter how trivial it might seem. Doing this regularly - say, once a week - will help you focus on the good things you think and feel about yourself, and will help you replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

Look after yourself physically. Exercising regularly can help reduce stress and make you feel good. Eat properly and regularly, including lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. Do something expressive like writing, painting or clay modeling. Make sure you do something enjoyable at least once a day, whatever else is going on.

Reach out for support when you feel able to do so. If you are afraid of feeling exposed and that other people will judge you, call 179 to talk to someone confidentially.

 

FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

5 things you can do to help

If you know someone who self-harms, the best way to help is to provide support. To help them cope with their feelings, you need to understand, contain and control your own feelings first. Your attitude to the person and how you relate to him or her can make a world of difference. Aim to make the person feel supported, rather than watched and policed.

1.    Let the person know that you are there whenever they want to talk. Encourage him or her to open up, but don't force it. It is very difficult to talk about personal feelings around self-harm. He or she may feel uncomfortable that you know about the self-harm. Try not to make the person feel that you are judging him or her. It is common for a person to feel that opening up makes them a burden on others.

2.    Relate to the person as a whole. Show concern for the self-injury, yes, but relate to him or her as a person who is more than just someone who self-harms. Take an interest in areas of their life where they do well, rather than just focusing on the self-harm and its possible causes.

3.    Show empathy and emotional understanding. They're not giving you facts to judge. They're sharing their feelings with you. That is an important step. Encourage it by listening without passing judgement.

4.    Keep in mind that stopping self-harm can be frightening because it is helps the person cope with painful feelings. Don't focus on stopping the self-harm. Focus on helping the person to cope by finding other ways of dealing with emotional pain. Encourage them to seek professional help.

5.    Don't decide for someone about what to do about their self-harm. Help the person to feel in control over decisions about support, care, and professional advice and plans to stop the self-harm.