Once we have our children, we do our best to raise them well, giving them all they need and more besides. We play with them, fret for them, have plenty of sleepless nights over them, enjoy them and cherish them. Then, just as they start becoming their own persons, they slowly or abruptly up and leave. We did it ourselves once, and their own children will do it too one day. It is the circle of life. But just as we rejoiced when they were born, we will be saddened by their leaving.

Lebanese artist, philosopher and writer Kahlil Gibran put it very succinctly when he wrote his verses (partly quoted above) about children. In the final lines of these verses he wrote, "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." In one sentence he effectively managed to encapsulate our purpose as parents.

Gibran's words may well have been published in the 1920s, but their realistic meaning spans time, place and cultures, and is as valid for parents and children's guardians today as it ever was. At some point we have to say goodbye to the children we knew and have raised. Some children remain geographically close to us, others travel further afield and distance themselves from us, but detachment makes us suffer nonetheless.

The difficulties of letting go are many, and generally shared by most parents experiencing this stage in family life. Described as the empty nest syndrome, this phase can affect parents in different ways. Some parents experience feelings of loneliness and depression, others feel they are being abandoned or that their children are ungrateful towards them.

Many parents especially mothers, find fault with the partners or spouses of their children, unwittingly blaming them for having taken their children away. While research has shown that the empty nest syndrome is more likely to hit stay-at-home-parents and single parents, especially mothers, real-life experience shows that even parents with highflying careers are caught in a web of feelings that include regret, soul-searching, and a feeling of meaningless existence.

It helps to keep yourself occupied, to find ways and means to subtly keep contact, to keep sharing things and to talk regularly. Parents can look for new ways of being together, maintaining family reunions, family meals, and re-inventing the wheel so that our children willingly join us for shopping, travel, coffee breaks, long walks, visiting elderly relatives, or sharing a sport or common interest. Treating your children as adults means looking at them through different lenses, appreciating their new status and being proud of who they have become.

Speaking to parents from different backgrounds, professions and nationalities helps you to understand and cope with your own feelings, as these real-life experiences show.

 

Margaret, mother of two, receptionist

"I was a full-time mother and raising my children was a great challenge. When my youngest daughter left home to live with her boyfriend and their daughter, it was like the end of the world for me. It is so difficult to let go of somebody who depended on you. You have to accept that they have to share love and other things with their other half and explore the other side of life, the side of life that is not protected by their parents.

"The emptiness my daughter left behind her and the sweet memories will always be in a special place in my heart. When she left home, a lot of anxious thoughts passed through my mind and woke me up during the night. What if she does not succeed? What if she and her partner do not stick together on their commitment to each other? What would happen to our grandchild, running from one parent to another? Today I'm so proud of her because she and her boyfriend are raising their family together."

 

Leonard, father of four, self-employed

"My children are all still at home, despite my encouragement to the contrary. I suppose mine is probably an uncommon position for Maltese parents. Sometimes my eldest daughters sleep at their boyfriends' place, although generally they come home at night. They mostly travel together with their boyfriends, but also join us for our family holiday.  However, I do look forward to seeing them move out one day soon."

 

Paul, father of three, businessman

"I still haven't managed to let go of my boys. One son lives away from home while the other two still live with us. I would love to be able to persuade the one son who is away to return to the nest. I know it is naive of me, but somehow I still cling to the idea that I can keep them, their partners and eventually their children, under our roof."

Inger, mother of two, teacher/educator

"My son and daughter both live alone, and each has a small apartment. The separation process started when they were 17 and attended an English school for six months. They returned more independent, didn't have a curfew, and were responsible in a different way. That changed our relationship so we saw them as more grown-up. But they both stayed at home for some years afterwards. Our daughter worked and travelled, staying with us to save money, and eventually buying her own apartment at age 27. Our son stayed with us until he finished military service at 21.

My husband and I have filled the spare time with work and travel, and are as busy as when we had children at home. Since the leaving home process stretched out over a long time, we have been able to get used to and adjust to the 'empty nest'. We are still close to our children. We see each other a lot and enjoy having 'children' who are adults."

Wilfred, father of three, doctor

"We have tried to raise our children so they grow up to be good, hard-working citizens. We always tried to lead by example and above all, be their best friends. One son is now married and still living in Malta. Another one left home to study and work seven years ago. His leaving was something we had to face. I travelled with him to the UK for a few of days to help with apartment hunting and his settling down.

Saying goodbye was not easy. I knew we were going to miss him, and that the experience would help him mature, develop his knowledge and skills. The first few months were hard on us and on him. Eventually he decided to move further afield to South America. At an emotional level this was difficult, but we have full faith in his ability to set himself up in such a different place.

We discussed this as a family and, since it is in his best interest, we have to continue supporting his endeavours and ambitions. Like so many parents in a similar situation we're thankful for Skype and low-cost telephony and make it a point to enjoy quality time as a family whenever we are together during holidays."

Anna, mother of three, artist

Our children are aged 26, 24 and 18. They all have different personalities, likes and dislikes. The eldest two live abroad, the youngest will start attending University this October. It was difficult 'letting go', especially the first time, when my son left home at the age of 20 to start his career abroad. Although my husband and I had always tried to help our children feel confident and to develop self-esteem by gradually allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions, I still felt a sense of panic when he left. I could not be at hand if anything went wrong.

When we visited him after five months, I realised 'hey, my little boy has turned into a young man, well capable of dealing with life like any other responsible adult!'  It was the same with my daughter - maybe even more so, as she is by nature very strong and independent. We Maltese mothers tend to be over-protective to the point of sometimes becoming possessive.

"I believe parents need to realise children are not their possessions, but rather individuals within their own right with different personalities, interests and dreams. I have always encouraged my children to choose a career that involves doing what they are most passionate about, and to follow their dream.  I believe the parents' role is to love and lead by example, and eventually letting go by having faith in their children's capability of getting on with life as they so choose."