Understanding our sexuality means understanding the feelings and attractions we have towards others and not just knowing with whom we had a sexual relationship. Sexuality can be confusing and it can take time for a person to identify and accept his or her sexuality. Though we use labels, sexuality must be defined by how we feel and how we choose to identity ourselves. It is a personal process which at times can be confusing.

 

Gabriel, 23 & Alan, 27 - in a relationship

"I always felt I was different," says Alan.  "Many gay people don't like using the word different, but that is exactly how I felt when I was in my teens. My friends used to discuss in detail the anatomy of our female friends, and I was not at all interested. In fact, I used to buy magazines dealing with men's health or magazines featuring the latest football stars and fantasize about meeting these gorgeous men. I was always interested in being fit and so my friends suspected nothing when they saw me reading this stuff." 

Gabriel tells a different story: "Meeting Alan was a blessing. I could not accept myself as I was. I kept blaming myself and spent years trying to fake my sexuality. At least, I have nothing to feel guilty about, because I never had a girlfriend and avoided flirting with girls not to give them the wrong idea. Meeting Alan at university helped me realise that I have to accept who I am and my life has changed."

Alan and Gabriel are now preparing to tie the knot within a year. "We want to do it the proper, old-fashioned way," jokes Gabriel. In fact, both Alan and Gabriel are still living with their respective parents. They bought an apartment and are currently busy going around the shops choosing furniture and furnishings for their home. "We spend weekends working at the flat. Gabriel did all the plumbing while I will now start to paint," Alan says. "We consider ourselves a normal couple and we don't intend to live together before we get married." 

Both Gabriel and Alan still treasure the values their parents passed on to them and believe that above all first, there has to be love between the couple before ending up in each other's bed.  "Waiting will result in a better relationship," says Alan.

 

Amanda, 28 - single

"My life has been confusion from the start," Amanda says. "I am not blaming my parents or my upbringing, but I was always undecided, never able to stand up and do what I really wanted. When I was young, I followed my friends, copied what they did, what they said. I felt non-existent at times."

Amanda married when she was 23 but after a couple of months she started feeling uncomfortable in her marriage. "Sam was not my first boyfriend. There were others before him but I had never really reflected on my feelings," she says. She admits that, ironically, it was Sam who made her reflect on her sexuality: "It was when I was married that I started to reflect on why I was not feeling happy, why I was not enjoying Sam's constant attention and also why I was not enjoying my sexual relationship with him.

Amanda separated from her husband and now enjoys the company of friends but feels that her sexual feelings are shut down, non-existent. "I left Sam because he was living a nightmare," she says. "It was unfair on him. After the separation, I began to find myself. I am currently attending regular psychological sessions. Till now, I still can't understand whether I am a lesbian or not. I have never felt attracted towards women, and my attractions towards men were based only on my perception to be like the others."

 

Frank, 32 - single

"I had no problems coming out. My family supported me a lot especially since I was not the only gay in the family," says Frank, who works as a technician. "At first I had problems at work when certain macho guys started to pass rude comments and jokes aimed at me. It was a difficult moment but I was determined not to let them make me feel inferior. So, I left my job and went to Australia for two years' work experience."

Frank recalls how those two years in Australia boosted his self-confidence and helped him to try to understand the thoughts of 'straight' people. "I started to joke about my sexuality too and when my friends saw this, they became more interested in gay people's feelings and emotions.  They realised that gay people are no different," he says. He disapproves of gay people trying to behave strangely, speaking and moving in exaggerated ways.  "I was always myself. I never faked my voice or my image and appearance," he says. "I am Frank and I am interested in men. I am not a caricature on display."

Frank had no intention of spending his whole life downunder, so he returned home.  "I opened up my own business and my five employees have no problems whatsoever working with me," he explains. He enjoys being single and has no intention of engaging in a serious relationship:  "During the civil rights union debate, I took to the shadows. I was not and still am not interested in marriage. I am happily surrounded by supportive relatives and friends and am not ready to share my life with one person only."

 

A&H's view

 

Being straight, gay, or bisexual is not something that a person can choose to be or to change. We don't choose our sexuality just as we don't choose the hair or eye colour we are born with. No one fully understands exactly what determines a person's sexual orientation, but it is likely explained by a variety of biological and genetic factors. Sexual orientation is part of someone's nature. It is not a mental disorder or abnormality.

Despite myths and misconceptions, there is no evidence that being gay is caused by early childhood experiences, parenting styles, or the way someone is raised. Efforts to change gay people to straight have been proven to be ineffective and can be harmful. Health and mental health professionals caution against any efforts to change a person's sexual orientation. In fact, people who still doubt their sexual orientation should receive help, but only if they seek it. A person shouldn't be forced to attend psychology sessions.  Gabriel found Alan who made him aware while Amanda had to go through marriage in order to start reflecting on her sexual nature.

A person's personality and character also play a very important role. Frank's determined character helped him to move forward and to have a clear idea on what he wants in life. Alan and Gabriel are ready to support each other and share their life. Amanda needs to be stronger, and find out about herself so that she can assume her responsibilities and freedoms and fulfill herself. If you feel troubled by your sexuality, speaking to a counselor or psychologist can help you to understand your feelings. If you know someone who has doubts about their sexuality, show support and encouragement, and help the person feel determined to succeed and be happy with who they are.

 

  All names have been changed to protect the interviewees' privacy.

 

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