IF YOU'RE A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

A mother-in-law who rubs you the wrong way or hurts you emotionally can drive a wedge between you and your husband. Here's how you can protect yourself and preserve your household.

 

Be detached

If your mother-in-law is wonderful, you're onto a good start. If she's not, deal with reality as it is. That's easier said than done, especially if you start out believing you'd get along well if only you tried hard enough. Don't expect a warm, loving, friendly relationship if that's not the sort of person your mum-in-law is. Remind yourself that she is not your mother, or a surrogate mother, so you can't be her daughter or a surrogate daughter. Respect the fact that she's your husband's mother-there's no point in drawing unnecessary battle lines-but relate to her on equal terms.

 

Understand where she's coming from

She raised your husband from babyhood and now she feels she's losing him. No one likes to feel less important in anyone else's life. You don't have to put up with possessive or unreasonable behaviour, but understanding where she's coming from will help you to keep things in perspective and make things easier to deal with.

 

Give her space even when it feels like she's invading yours

 

A difficult mum-in-law's real interest is in preserving her sense of family and feeling that she's still important to her son. Give her the space to enjoy that feeling sometimes by, say, not always accompanying your husband when he visits her. There's no point in trying to cut her out completely. It'll only drive a wedge between you and your husband.

 

Don't try to change her

A mum-in-law who repeatedly rubbishes you to her son (your husband) and other members of his family, undermines what you say and do, and openly criticises you regardless of who's around is a lost cause. That sort of behaviour is a public statement about her relationship with you. Admit to yourself that she'll never be a positive influence in your life and you're not going to change that. Keep a safe distance, even when she appears to be nice to you. You'll have to look elsewhere for warmth and support.

 

Identify the triggers and avoid them

Work out what it is about her that makes your blood boil and avoid those triggers. You'll find that, however the friction shows up, the root cause is the same e.g. you might be feeling that she thinks you're not good enough for her son so avoid being in a situation where you 'prove' that to her.

 

Set and enforce boundaries

Start as you mean to go on. Setting the right boundaries will help preserve everyone's sanity and can even be reassuring to a mum-in-law who prefers to know how far she can go. If your mum-in-law constantly crosses boundaries she might a) not realise what she's doing or b) be doing it deliberately. In the former case, you could tactfully show her what's going wrong or ask your husband to intervene. In the latter case, you'll need to be firm and assert yourself clearly without being confrontational. If you don't want her feeding sweets to your children, say, or calling round when you're about to put them to bed, let her know gently but firmly. If she won't get the message or repeatedly defies you, then the conflict is not about sweets or visits, but about who rules the roost in your home. It's best to lay down the law as a mature adult. It might not be pleasant but if you let things fester for fear of upsetting her or antagonizing your spouse, it'll only get worse.

 

IF YOU'RE A MOTHER-IN-LAW

 

Remember who your son is

He might be your son, but he's also his own person and another woman's husband. No matter how awful you think she is, keep your opinion to yourself. You won't do your son any good by criticising his spouse to him, no matter how right you are.

 

Be polite and civil

Mums-in-law have a difficult time. They're the butt of cruel jokes, whatever they do, so even when you're right, you're wrong. Your daughter-in-law might be a selfish, manipulative control freak who you think is making your son's life hell. Even so, bite your tongue. You won't help him by getting into a head-on confrontation with her. The bitterest in-law battles are fought over the man who brings the two women together and, if you love your son, don't make his life more difficult. Accept the fact that you might be wrong and that your daughter-in-law is actually a reasonably nice person but just not one with whom you can get along. Be polite to her, just as you would to an acquaintance. Keeping calm and civil is the best you can do for your son.

 

Remind yourself of who she is

Your daughter-in-law is not some random woman who stole your son away from you. She's the woman he married, and with whom he lives unless things go wrong. She's also likely to be or become the mother of your grandchildren. You can't wipe her out of your existence, or exclude her from your son's and his children's lives. If you try doing that, you'll make your son and grandchildren unhappy. Respect who she is to them, no matter how much you dislike her. Your feelings and expectations do matter, but so do everyone else's. If your daughter-in-law wants to enjoy family time with her husband and children, give her the space to do so. Don't think of it as her taking your son and grandchildren away from you. Think of it as her preserving family and home life for them. Don't expect them to come round every Sunday, for instance. It's the one day of the week when they can all be at home together so give them the time and space to enjoy it.

 

Deal with your feelings rather than criticizing your daughter-in-law

No matter how mad you feel at the way she raises your grandchildren, keeps house (or doesn't), or relates to your son, remind yourself that you can control your feelings better than another person's behaviour. Don't criticize her parenting or let fly because you think your son's overworked so he shouldn't have to do anything around the house. Your daughter-in-law is your grandchildren's mother and your son's wife and their home is theirs not yours. You might not like the way they do things but even if your son agrees with your way of doing things, it's not your place to tell your daughter-in-law what to do and how to do it. It's not too big a deal if your son irons his own shirts and learns how to cook. And there's nothing wrong in him looking after the children for a whole weekend. That's not being 'babysitting'. That's being a father.

 

Accept the situation as it is

Offer help and support, but don't impose yourself and don't try to get between your son and his wife. Come to terms with the fact that he's grown up and become another woman's husband and, while his wife may not be what you've always dreamed of, she's the woman he married and the daughter-in-law that you have. If you want to keep the peace, accept the situation as it is rather than as you'd like it to be.