Today, 23 June, is established as International Widows’ Day, a day that encourages awareness of the difficulties that many widows and widowers can face in many countries, following the death of their husband or wife. It is also a day to bring awareness and empathy to close family members or friends who have lost their partners.

Once settled in the hall, you can already sense a feeling of community amongst these men and women.

Minus One had invited someone from Social Services to explain the benefits and pensions for the widowed and although this was a heavy topic to discuss on a Friday night, the atmosphere in the room was positive and people were sharing jokes and comments with each other. It was easy to see that it is not only support that the group provides, but also the friendships that can blossom out of a mutual understanding.

What makes Minus One different from other support groups is that it is open for younger widowers and widows, unlike others which mainly cater for those aged 60 and above. “If I had not found out about Minus One, I probably wouldn’t have joined any other support group,” said Mary*.

 “I was aware that there were a number of support groups for widows and widowers, but I felt a sense of belonging and comfort in Minus One. It takes a while to get your head around the concept of joining a support group, but the support and friendship has benefitted me greatly”, she said. She explained that the group has helped her find support and understanding which she could not find with her friends and other members of her family. “It is something so personal, that not everyone will understand – or can relate to – where you are coming from. Here you feel at home, because everyone is experiencing the same pain, so we can all relate and support one another.”

“A widow’s mourning is different to the mourning of losing a parent or friend; you are mourning the loss of your other half and you can feel that you have lost a part of yourself,” said June*. “Everyone’s journey is different but here we support one another on that journey.”

The group explained to me that sometimes friends and family members would give them words of encouragement, but would only make the situation worse. “I would meet friends and they would recall how lovely my wife was and how it felt as if  it was only yesterday that they had seen her. I know they mean well and want to help, but in reality it only bothers you to hear these things,”  said Adam*. He also recounted how, on one particular occasion a priest, who was comforting the family, said that his wife was now in a better place, which only enraged him rather than comforted him. Mary added: “Some people told me that now I had to continue to be strong for my son. Such a remark bothered me because of course I would never abandon my child – it was just something to say.”

Everyone said that anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas holidays, for example, can still be difficult to face, even when they themselves have new partners. “Father’s Day is not the same, of course, as my partner would spend it with his children, and I would spend it with my son and my family”, explained Mary. It would be such events where the feeling of their loss is heightened and remembered. “That particular seat at the table where they used to sit can still be a bit daunting at times,” said Peter*.

The point was made that instead of pitying widowers and widows, it would be better if their needs were highlighted and they had more information regarding pensions, etc.

“I cannot stand it when people look at the widowed as ‘poor things’ or as being vulnerable,’ said June. It is a scenario that many widowed people face, and can also add to the stigma of joining such support groups. ‘Many people think that such support groups are extremely upsetting and that we just sit around and discuss our lost ones,” said Adam, “but we actually build great connections with each another and we go out for activities together and enjoy each other’s company.” Peter added that instead of pitying a widower or widow, just ask if they need any help with daily things, such as shopping or helping out with the children.

While talking to them, I learnt that there is not enough awareness on the subject of pensions. “There is nothing such as a One-stop shop to discuss this, and if you are not aware of the application procedures, you could lose out,” explained Mary. The group had suggested that, when returning the ID card of their spouse, there should be leaflets with all the necessary information regarding how to apply for a pension and what documents would be needed. “When you are facing such a trauma and trying to deal with your own emotional process and that of your children, you are not even considering the idea of a pension.”

“At the beginning you feel lost, not knowing what to do next in your life, then you come to Minus One, and, yes, at first it is a strange feeling, but you will click and find comfort”, said June. The group explained to me that, no matter how many psychologists and therapists you visited, they would not really understand you. “As unfortunate as it sounds, because we are going through the same experiences, we can all help and support one another,’ said Mary.

Victor* also gave me a copy of their latest newsletter, and one line in particular struck me and explained the true purpose of the group. “On the long path of life, when we do look back it should not be to reflect on what we have lost or what we have left behind, but to see how much progress we have made and how much more of this path we still have to explore.”

 

** All names have been changed