It had to happen, I suppose. How often do we get an opportunity to parade our glorious retinue of famous historical personalities before the envious eyes of all Europe? Never, by my count. And when it finally happens, what do we do? Why, we blow it completely, of course. What else?

I refer to the decision taken by the National Euro Changeover Committee (or “Pain in the NECC” for short) regarding the first ever local euro coins, due to be minted when Malta joins the Eurozone in 2007. (Or was that 2070? Can’t remember now...)

But anyway. NECC’s chairman, Joseph “Special” F.X. Zahra, was clear on this point. “Read my lips”, he said. “No Maltese personalities.”

And what can I say? He’s perfectly right, too.

For let’s face it, the choice of any single Maltese politician – alive, dead, or, like the vast majority, somewhere in between – would invariably elicit an immediate reaction of anger and resentment among at least half the population, which is not exactly the effect that a “national symbol” is intended to achieve.

And besides, we’re not just talking symbolism here. It’s also a currency, for heaven’s sake. No offence or anything, but which of our politicians’ mugshots do you seriously think would serve to strengthen the euro against the dollar? Get real...

***

But hang on. Is it my imagination, or did we all automatically assume that “personalities” had to be “politicians”? After all, it’s only politicians who are widely perceived to be divisive figures, is it not? And what is politics, anyway, if not a single sphere of Maltese public life among countless others, such as... like... for example... I’m not sure, but when I think of something I’ll let you know.

OK, I’ve got one. Literature. How about we put someone purely apolitical on the euro... like Dun Karm, our national poet?

Hmmm. Maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. For when you stop to think about it, Malta has produced so many illustrious poets in the past 100 or so years, that to select only one is bound to create tension. What about the rest of Malta’s Dead Poets’ Society? How would the decision be received by, for instance, fans of the late Gorg Pisani?

I can see it all now. The Pisanisti versus the Psailani. Protest marches. Banners in Valletta. Copies of Il-Jien U Lil Hinn Minnu burnt in public conflagrations in Freedom Square. And Fr Mark Montebello forcibly removed by the police...

***

OK, so poets are clearly out of the question. But there are loads more non-political professions to choose from. What about architects? Richard England, I hear you say? Not bad; not bad at all. But then, he’d probably insist on designing the coin himself, with the result that the Maltese euro would be the world’s first triangular coin with a hole in the middle. With the value written back-to-front and upside-down, too. Just slightly impractical, I would have thought... but then, what do I know about art?

***

Hang on, I’ve got it. Charles Polidano! Not an architect, true, but by his own admission, he is infinitely more powerful than any mere politician. And besides, wasn’t he the guy who “built Malta”? Who constructed more edifices than the Knights of St John? And whose erections can now be admired all over the country?

But then again, to be realistic, a coin bearing the stamp of ic-Caqnu would have to be worth a few million euros at least. And from what I gather the maximum denomination is E5, so I’m afraid it’s back to the drawing board...

***

Television personalities? Well, I was going to suggest Peppi Azzopardi and Lou Bondi. The only snag here (apart from a tiny, weeny suspicion that a certain A. Sant might object) is that Where’s Everybody – or Whose Euro?, or whatever they decide to name the new consortium – would probably put in a tender for the minting of all coins.