I look at the sea and at the crystal waves. Beautiful! An unforgettable scene, perhaps the only thing which remains constant, far different from the inner turmoil which resided deep inside me. As my feet were throbbing on the ground I could feel the tears rolling down on my cheeks. Memories keep flooding in my mind, no matter how hard I try to conceal the past.

It will remain instilled in my psyche for days to come. Many nights surmounted but that night remains as vivid as though it is happening right now. And I can see its image reflected in the waves before my eyes.

That night, I was walking as usual, returning home, but little did I know what was awaiting me. All I could see was a persisting shadow following me. Then it happened. The stranger grabbed me. I looked at his hard features.

‘What do you want?’ I asked him.

His answer was his physical movement, holding me forcefully. He then covered my mouth and tossed me to the ground forcing himself inside me, forcing harder and harder till I could not hear nor breathe.

Imposed violence with his breath still lingering inside me. I was only 20 when I had to go through the experience of rape and though a lot of time has passed the memory remains there, fading at times and then coming back in a series of endless nightmares.

Rape is any forced sexual contact without consent and it violates the most private parts of our bodies, invading our territory.

I did not report the incident to the police. I was too shocked, and felt numb. Did it really happen? I stood there and could not believe that this was really happening to me. A shiver ran down my spine. What if he threatens me? What if I get pregnant, or contract an infectious disease? Will I ever love again, or be loved again?

These thoughts overpowered me; yet, I could not talk about it. I felt mortified to talk, to describe the details to strangers about what happened to me on that night.

What would my family, and my friends think? Then like a wave of energy I felt my limbs moving and my feet trailed away from the cursed place, my body almost immobile.

Home seemed distant, far on the other side of the world. I feared I would never reach it but I kept walking, instinctively.

I was feeling dirty, ashamed and shattered by this devastating reality. Perhaps it was my fault, or I maybe I could have prevented it. Did I provoke the rape?

When at last I managed to arrive home I ran up to the bathroom and washed myself.

The more I cleansed myself the more I felt unclean with the stain of humiliation stinging me.

He was there, his shadow watching me, defeating me, then coming closer and closer to my body. I was a vassal to him, to his violence.

Days dawned like they always do and with each new day I hoped to forget but I could not cancel this ill-fated milestone in my life.

Depression descended upon me filling my days with darkness, accompanied only by rage and anger. My soul felt trapped and bit by bit I felt myself transforming from a woman to a non-being, existing but with no identity.

Sleep evaded me, there was no appetite and mood swings were not uncommon. How many times did my mind travel back to the assault? Countless times. I tried to comprehend and give meaning to what had happened.

Then, unexpectedly, hope plunged upon me like a slow dawn. I learned to live with it and accept this harsh reality.

Yes, I have been through it , endured its agonising pain, afflicted by the memory of that scene, but the path of healing has begun.

If I had reported the crime my fate would have taken a different turn, my grief would have been shared and he, the perpetrator may have been brought to Justice.

But I am here, a survivor, and on my path to recovery.

***

Rape creates immediate trauma on its victims causing physical, emotional and psychological reactions. These cluster of effects are defined as Rape Trauma Syndrome.

What to do straight after Rape

After being raped the victim is in need of care and support to regain back her sense of power and feeling of safety in the world.

Get medical help, even with no physical injuries it is important to check for internal injuries, and determine the risk of pregnancy and STDs.

Preserve the evidence by not bathing or brushing your teeth.

It is best to report the attack immediately so that evidence such as blood or semen can still be collected.

Seek professional counselling and give yourself time; healing from rape takes time.

Always keep in mind that it was not your fault.

Marie Anne Zammit graduated from University as a Social Worker and in Probation Services and works as a Probation Officer. She writes both in Maltese and English and is the author of three books. Stupru is the most recent, a novel based on this subject.