A week before last Christmas I started feeling unusually tired to the extent that one morning at work I could hardly drag my legs from the staffroom to the classroom where I had to give a lesson. I also started to get this sensation that I was being suffocated. I was sent to take some medical tests and an ECG showed that I had suffered a heart attack and that my heart was beating at almost twice the rate that it ought to. After further tests I was diagnosed with a critical heart condition and was told that my heart was so weak I would probably not survive a second heart attack. I required an angioplasty and the insertion of an ICD. This would allow me to go on living a fairly normal life. Here I must mention that at this stage of events I was in a state of denial. I was feeling physically sick and mentally very confused and making a big effort to take in what I was being told.

'What is an ICD?' I asked myself. At the CathLab when I went for some pre-operative blood tests and so on, I was handed a little booklet written by the manufacturers of the device. It contained information about how this device works and how it was going to help me.

ICD stands for Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator (quite a mouthful). Most of us have seen a defibrillator machine in hospitals. It is moved around on a trolley and when a patient's heart stops beating electrical shocks are administered externally over his heart area to restart it. The defibrillator saves the patient's life if it happens that there is one nearby and the shocks can be administered in time. Recently in the UK and Italy, and probably in many other countries, shopping malls, parks and similar public places have been asked to keep a defibrillator on the spot in case someone requires this emergency shock treatment. It is crucial that it is given within a few minutes for it to be effective

The task of the ICD is similar with the difference that the defibrillator is carried by the recipient all the time to monitor his/her heartbeat. If the heart beats too slowly or too fast, or in an irregular manner the ICD will detect this and will correct the heartbeat by passing weak electrical impulses or shocks to correct these irregularities. It is a lifesaving device which is implanted in the body. (It is no bigger than a very small and slim cellular phone) and is there when needed. It is inserted under the skin on the upper chest area.

In the beginning of February I had my defibrillator inserted. Despite receiving the best medical care I still had to come to terms with having a foreign object inside my body. I also had to learn to avoid those things that might interfere with its setting. But this is a small price to pay for saving one's life.

Initially my ICD occupied my mind totally and was the main topic of my conversation with people who, most of the time did not understand what I was talking about. I needed to share my fears and feelings with someone who was also an ICD recipient, someone who was going through the same experience. At first I found comfort by contacting via email a support group in Germany and they answered, reassuring me that my fears and questions were common among many ICD recipients. Apparently there is a common denominator among them which is the fear of the Shock! In fact the US support group call themselves Zapper. I became aware that there must be other recipients in Malta who had similar needs to mine. So, I said to myself, why not start a support group here in Malta. The initial hurdle was confidentiality. How was I going to get in touch with fellow sufferers? The confidentiality act does not allow that details be handed to third persons and thank God for that! With some cooperation from the professional team at the outpatients pacemaker clinic at St Luke's, details of how I was to be contacted were given to recipients as they went for their check-ups. Here it is important also to mention that maintaining confidentiality is also a requisite of our support group.

There are a relatively small number of ICD recipients in Malta. A small number of us have already met to have our first meeting. Having something in common helped us to bond and break the ice immediately. The meetings are informal and dedicated to moral support, sharing our fears and listening to each other's problems and hearing how these were overcome. Support groups connect people to the help they need and if there are professionals who would like to give some of their time to the group it would be much appreciated.

Despite having to pass through a rough time recently, when I thought that I had already seen it all, I discovered, at the age of 57 there is always something new to learn. I was told that stress brought on by anxiety was the main culprit. As I come to terms with my new life I am learning how to love myself by avoiding situations which in the past caused me only to feel frustrated and helpless. Sometimes we can only control what we do and what others do is not up to us to change. Every life experience, whether positive or not becomes a learning experience and should provide us with a clearer insight of life. The climb to the top of a mountain is always hard and often wearying, however, it is only from the top of the mountain that we are able to get a complete view.

Those who would like to benefit from this support group can get in touch with me on 79705376 or through my email address at [email protected]