Mary Ann Borg Cunen, in her last article on the topic of Narcissism, speaks of the pain of the children of narcissists

In last month’s issue of First my article on Red Flags was erroneously introduced as referring to narcissistic abusers. It, in fact, referred to all types of abusers, including narcissistic ones.

Children of narcissistic parents often feel that they are not seen for who they are, that whatever efforts they may make to win the love and approval of their parents are useless. All that is freely given by the narcissistic parent is criticism. They report having felt forced to be their parent’s appreciative, and even awed, audience. Many say this has left them feeling empty and struggling with self-esteem problems. Or this has led them to use narcissistic defenses themselves against feeling not ‘good enough’.

It is confusing to be bought up by a narcissistic parent. The adult narcissist will make sure things ‘look good’ on the outside. Children will not really understand what their feelings are, because the true expression of feelings is discouraged in a house run by a narcissistic parent. Often the child struggles alone. Psychologists have made comparisons with the homes run by alcoholic parents: these parents typically look to the child to meet their needs. This expectation is harmful to the child’s overall mental health, which carries into adulthood. In homes such as these, the child’s job is to make sure the parent’s needs are being fulfilled. In doing so, their identity, their ‘true feelings’ are kept hidden deep within them.

Here I outline the typical reaction of children of narcissists both as children and as adult survivors of this type of abuse.

Extensions, not persons in their own right

Narcissists need the attention of an audience to avoid feeling shame and self-hatred. This audience is sought at work and with acquaintances (they are unlikely to have friends), but also family members are recruited for the task. He (or she) seeks to impress them, amaze them, and fill them with awe, inspire them, or even shock them. He wants them to learn to blindly obey and look up to him, in short to give in to his charisma and to become taken over by his follies-de-grandeur.

Positive or negative attention is equally gratifying for the narcissist as both make them feel important and significant. There is no psychological space left for the child of the narcissist. She has importance at home in so far as she plays the important role of revolving around the narcissistic parent. Having said this, in the world outside the family, she may be given another task: that of being a worthy representative of the narcissistic parent. If she is brilliant or awe-inspiringly beautiful this will make the narcissist proud of himself. He, of course, will take all the credit for these qualities.

However if the child grows up and gets too much attention this may become a threat to the narcissist. He will try and keep the child dependent on him, not to let him outshine him. A narcissistic father I know made sure all his adult children work in his firm, and he has all the shares.

There are grades of narcissism and not all narcissistic parents will be as abusive as others. The worse I have heard of is one who used physical, emotional, sexual and verbal abuse on his children and subjected them to deprivation also (despite being wealthy). Others try, more or less successfully, to restrain their urges to dominate and humiliate. Their partner can sometimes make all the difference in providing a healthy balance, often needing to do this behind the narcissist’s back.

Controlled

The wishes, let alone dreams, of the young person have no room to be expressed. The narcissistic adult will give attention only if his projects are joined (as a subordinate), and he may even go so far as destroying the successful career of an independent offspring.

Vakinin says: “Whoever the narcissist perceives to be in competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy.” (Narcissistic supply refers to the attention the narcissist needs to feel alive). In this case the child will be ridiculed, put down, and devalued in every way possible (Malignant Self Love -Narcissism Revisited, 2005).

At times, according to Vaknin again “rather than attack his offspring, he immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested”.

Rebellion and insight

The child of a narcissistic parent will have been subjected to a distorted view of the world. All others are mocked and put down, made fun of and ridiculed in the private of your own home. In the words of an offspring to her father: “ Pointing out every grammatical error a person made always made you feel better and superior to others. If it hurt somebody’s feelings, that never occurred to you. You were only interested in impressing the others at the table about how smart and well connected you were and how stupid others were.” The child witnessing all this may emulate her father or fear that this criticism includes her (or do both). Many internalize a very critical and mocking ‘voice’ which pursues them all their lives. Many survivors end up abusing drugs or alcohol to numb the pain of their children.

The older the offspring, the more they become objective, even judgmental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. “As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements – which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes” (Vaknin, 2005). The wizard is unmasked and seen for what he is.

Unknowingly these survivors may be vulnerable to seeking the familiar dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist either as a marriage partner, or in the role of a leader of a charismatic organization.

Narcissistic mothers

When the narcissist is the mother the damage may be even worse. The early mirroring the infant needs will not be fully available. Psychologists have found that the infant “requires an empathic environment, specifically, an environment that responds (a) to his need to have his presence confirmed by the glow of parental pleasure and (b) to his need to merge into the reassuring calmness of the powerful adult, if he is to acquire a firm and resilient self.”(J. D. Levine and Rona H. Weiss. The Dynamics and Treatment of Alcoholism. Jason Aronson, 1994).

The narcissistic mother will have little ability to give the unconditional love and attuned empathic connection the infant needs to develop a secure and healthy sense of self. The result unfortunately often seems to be the birth of another narcissist as the infant turns onto himself for comfort.

As our society emphasizes more and more the virtues of ‘taking care of number one’ and ‘letting no-one get in your way,’ it is good to remember that good old-fashioned self-giving love is what makes the world go round. Narcissists should not be allowed to wreak havoc but recognized as such, and the damage they can do should be limited as much as possible.