The hype that has surrounded the terror plots by Muslim fanatics to blow up aircraft as they left the UK, has led to airports imposing strict security measures that prevent passengers from taking any form of liquids on board flights.

The terror plots were allegedly going to be executed by setting fire to homemade liquid explosives that would have been set off in the toilets of various aircraft. My God, the response was incredible – people were only allowed a plastic bag to take a few items into the cabin. It has also led to calls for passenger profiling, and being quite a dark lad I thought I might have a bit of trouble.

I was travelling back from Newcastle on Thursday night (well it ended up being all of Thursday night and well into Friday morning, but more of that later), and as advised in the UK, I called the airport to ask about security measures. Sure enough, I was told to be there about three hours before check-in and that the new rules about smaller cabin luggage were in force. I complied, and was at least pleased when I checked in and got seated in the first row – brilliant, no queuing to get off – and that I was allowed some overweight because I had to stuff everything into my suitcase.

Then came the security checks – being Geordies (the eternal enemy from Newcastle as I am from Teeside) they were their usual friendly selves. Off with your belt, off with the shoes, everything through the X-ray scanner and there we go, a damn good frisk and I was through. Now this is where it gets interesting. I decided (being the mischievous devil that I am), that I was going to put security to the test, so I left my bottle of pop in my bag, along with my lighter, just to see if I could get away with it.

Lo and behold, and to my utter amazement, I managed. No one even looked inside the bag, I couldn’t believe it. I managed, as I said, being a dark lad, to get a lighter and a pop bottle through the security gate. This was only seconds after a Geordie Maltese family with three kids, who had got in before me, had all their soft drinks taken away from them, which elicited a few screams from kids and Nana alike.

I had managed to get the very items that were banned through into the departure lounge as easy as that. Well, I was like the cat that got the cream, I was dead chuffed with myself, but thought that I might be searched later as I made my way to the gate. Not at all, I was let through no problem. Onto to more fun things.

The nightmare journey from hell

Brand Malta and all that is useless if we don’t apply it to our only route to the islands – that’s it – Air Malta. The flight I was on was due to leave at 11pm – but it was delayed till two in the morning. Lovely. That’s a bad enough thing, but when we all got onto the plane, we discovered that we would be stopping at East Midlands airport for the aircraft to be cleaned, yes you read right, to be cleaned, and to pick up more passengers. During the first short leg of the flight people had to change seats as there were double booked seats and they were getting irritable. When the plane landed the steward didn’t even know whether we had to stay on board or were being offloaded. After a lengthy discussion with ground staff, it was decided that we leave the plane while it was being cleaned. So like sheep (still with my pop bottle and lighter), we all got off and were sent to the transit lounge while the cleaners did did their job to get of all the bits of clutter. People were getting annoyed at this point and began to grumble that “if this is what Malta’s like we’re in for it!” And you can understand their concerns to be honest, it was a bit like a circus act. One understands that Air Malta tries to maximise seating, but come off it, be a bit organised and give out a voucher or two – everyone was knackered and quite irate to say the least. Well, we got to the lounge and by gum (although it has nothing to do with the Malta side) everyone made for the alcohol to calm their nerves, and were charged astronomical prices. I actually paid £3.20 for a lousy pint of lager while the guy next to me paid £5.20 for a double whisky. Absolutely scandalous. Well, maybe not when you consider that a pint of lager costs Lm1.70 in our own departure lounge. After about five minutes we were told to board, so everyone started chugging their expensive drinks down their necks quick smart (no one was prepared to leave any at those prices, funny how the mind works). A long story cut short, we trooped back on, the plane had been cleaned and we were given our correct seats. Necessity dictates, true, but come on, be a bit more organised. I don’t have more to relate, I conked out as soon as I got into my seat and did not stir till we landed at MIA at 9am. Everyone was completely exhausted and not impressed by the start of their holiday. Brand Malta needs to start as soon as people get on a plane.