The question that is on everyone’s lips these days is: What will happen if Chiara wins the Eurovision Song Contest tomorrow?

I am not a Eurovision fan, but it amuses me how much the Maltese love it. It’s as if our livelihood, our tourism industry and, why not, even the success or otherwise of SmartCity, depend on it.

Each and every year, May brings with it the high hopes of the Eurovision fans that Malta will finally make it. What a disappointment it was that, for two successive years, the Maltese entry failed to make it to the final. Some, with tears in their eyes, even suggested that Malta withdraws its membership from the European Union (yes, you read correctly, the EU, not the European Broadcasting Union) if Malta continued to be ignored and humiliated.

Last year, Morena’s Vodka was too watered to affect the taste buds of the Europeans and, in 2007 Olivia Lewis’ Vertigo came crashing down with a bang. These two had followed the dismal performance of Fabrizio Faniello, whose I do was the opposite of what actually happened – he didn’t.

If you’re thinking I know this from memory you’re mistaken. I had to look everything up on the internet; the wonders of technology make things so much easier today. And this took me back to 2005 – the year when Chiara, in her second participation at the contest, had finished in second place.

Ahhh, so this is why Chiara is representing Malta again! She seems to be the only one who can fulfil the dreams of this Eurovision mad country. She had already placed third some time ago – another click on the internet tells me it was in 1998. And so, first she came third, then she came second... what if? Oh gosh, that’s almost the full name of her song this year!

What if we come first? Maybe the phrase “come first” was even part of the original lyrics, who knows? We’re so obsessed with winning this blessed competition – which is everything but a music contest – that the song-writer could have thought about including the words, but then thought better of it. Maybe “come first” will form part of the updated lyrics on the final night, but that would give the game away, wouldn’t it?

After so many years (just three, but three are “many” years for the Eurovision lovers) of despair during which we blamed neighbourly love for Malta’s poor performances and practically banished Faniello, Lewis and Morena from our lives (how dare they let us down?), we are back among the elite. Oh, yes, we made it!

Chiara has managed to achieve what we expected of her when we chose her as our representative this year – she took us back into the final. Wow. The roads were empty last Tuesday night as she valiantly fought – voice and all – to put us back on the Eurovision map. And there were cheers in many households and other public places (champagne bottles were popped, I’m told) when the Maltese flag appeared out of that virtual envelope – the fifth from the 10 that made it from the first semi-final; and, thank God, we did not even have to bite our nails till the end.

Our pride now rests on her. Whatever happens in the final, we might as well send Chiara to the contest next year and the following one, and maybe even beyond that too. If she can at least take us to the final every year, then she deserves it. And, while at it, give her the Gieh ir-Repubblika too, if she hasn’t been honoured with this title already. I didn’t bother to check this on the internet.

But... what if... she wins?

The EU (remember the difference from the EBU) this week recommended action against Malta because of its excessive deficit, but perhaps it would postpone it if we explain that we need at least another year to start paying up our debts. And the EU will probably understand that we have been waiting for this historic moment for decades...

What’s another year, Mr Almunia? Just bear with us because we would have to organise the Eurovision of 2010.

By the way, a victory for Chiara tomorrow would solve our national day issue too – as we will then agree on 16 May. Who would give two hoots anymore for Independence or Republic Day if Chiara wins?

On the reverse side, a win at the Eurovision might lead more illegal immigrants choosing to come to Malta, rather than try to go to Italy, much to Maroni’s delight and Carmelo’s despair. They would want to see more of this prosperous nation. But a Eurovision victory will be worth the sacrifice, no?

One big problem will be the venue for next year’s contest, far bigger in importance than the Bush-Gorbachev summit of 1989 or the Pope’s visit a year later, or the CHOGM of four years ago. The MCC is too small, the MFCC is too bare... perhaps the national stadium, but that is run by the MFA whose top competition, in May, would be at its climax, and who would deprive Maltese football lovers of such a Champions League final style of finish just to hold a song festival?

Nah, forget it. We would have to come up with something else. Maybe put up a temporary stage in Grand Harbour, or use the Granaries with the kind permission of the Floriana local council, and pray that it doesn’t rain. We could all go to Borg in-Nadur to have a special session to ask for some kind of intercession, or perhaps have our (potential) wind farms used as fans to blow the clouds away.

With the venue problem solved, we would then need presenters. Hmmm... this is a tough one indeed. Shall we go for an old man and a young woman, or shall we go for a middle-aged couple? Not too much white hair and wrinkles, but enough experience not to wet the stage in front of all those millions. How embarrassing that would be! Or, come to think of it, we could break with tradition, and have a father and son, or mother and daughter to put us in the mood in between the songs.

It has to be someone with good English too. Another tricky one. Most of them do not even know how to speak Maltese; how will they deal with a three-hour show, not to mention the semi-finals, all in English?

And... who should they be? So difficult to choose! And then, will they have to be both from PBS? What about Net and One? Will they expect to have one presenter each too, especially if they help out PBS with the filming? And what about Family, Favourite, Calypso, Smash, Education 22 and ITV? Will they want one of their presenters on stage too just because they lent a screwdriver? While we’re at it, maybe we could have someone from the Sports Channel too.

But... perhaps we’d better wait and see if Chiara wins after all. Only then can the backstabbing start. And Tonio Fenech’s headache too…

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