Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen in any parent’s life. But what if that child is living just around the corner from you and, now and then, you pass on the street, but you cannot even acknowledge his or her existence anymore? Unfortunately, for many parents in Malta, this is a stark reality. This Christmas day marks the first organised public meeting for “Flimkien Missirijiet Inqumu”, at 5 pm next tothe Triton Fountain (attendees are to dress in disguise as Santa), Valletta. Dayna Clarke meets with two of the co-founders to discuss more.
As we meet in a busy café in Gzira, I am intrigued to know more about this campaign, and what has driven the two gentlemen sitting in front of me to set up such an organisation. Due to ongoing legal cases and to protect the children, their names have been withheld.
Both men are from a group of around ten who have set up to campaign for inequality of access to their children, in just two months the Facebook page has garnered hundredsof likes, with fathers regularly messaging them seeking advice. They add, “We have to speak up for all of the fathers this year suffering in silence.”
Both men have similarities in their stories, a once loving relationship with a partner which fell sour, where neither have equal access to their children. Both feel a substantial injustice through their experience with the family courts, despite no seemingly plausible reason as to why equal access cannot be granted. Both feel deeply, other caregivers such as grandparents, additional family members, or their mother’s new partners are not fitto take care of their children- yet these individuals are granted more access than them at the mother’s discretion. The first even showed me evidence of drug abuse, which has fallen upon deaf ears within the courts. The second shows text messages of toxic brainwashing addressed to his daughter against him. He shares his harrowing story.
“While most people are looking forward to spending more time with their families, and parents, shows especially, spending more time with their children, I am not.
I am a parent – a father. I have a child in primary school. For the next few weeks, my life will shift between hope and dread. I hope this year I will get the greatest Christmas present ever – I will get to spend some time with my child. My great fear is that, once again, I will spend Christmas on my own, not seeing my child. It is the hope that keeps me going even though, deep down, I know that it is a forlorn hope.
The likelihood is that this December will be a repeat of previous years. My lawyer will apply to the court for what he sees as reasonable access for a separated father, which will include overnight access.
After about ten minutes, the Judge will ‘allow’ me something like four hours on Christmas Eve and two more four-hour visits between Christmas and the New Year. That is what I was awarded last year and was told that it was generous.
But it doesn’t matter what the Court orders. It won’t happen. My lawyer will remind the court that my ex-partner did not comply with the access arrangements requested by the courts for previous years- as my child is often “sick” at the very last minute. The Judge will adopt an air of feigned anger and indignation.
He will remind all concerned that contempt of court orders is a serious offenceand say that he will not tolerate it in his court. But it doesn’t matter what he says.
When we leave the courtroom, I will ask my lawyer what will happen if she breaches the court order again. His answer will be honest and predictable – NOTHING. She is now a single mother with a child, so no judge is going to sentence her. She is effectively above the law, and she knows it.”
Still, I must go through with this charade every year. The forlorn hope is what keeps me going. Maybe (and it is a big perhaps) she will have to resort to using me as a free babysitter while she parties over the New Year. It is that “maybe” that is my last hope. I feel exhausted, I have attended counselling, and I am not sure financially how much longer I can sustain this battle. In the last year alone, I have spent over 18 thousand euros.”
Internationally, research has long established that children of broken families are at higher risk of mental illness, poor educational outcomes, social maladjustment and poor health. These effects have become a public health concern given the soaring rates of family breakdowns worldwide – in Malta, extrapolation of statistics shows that now, more than a third of marriages split.
Leading researchers now maintain that JPC (joint physical custody) – popularly known as shared parenting or shared care – is itself a “buffer” against the impact of separation on children’s health.
The precise workings of JPC and its design were outlined in a 22-page blueprint drafted by 110 leading experts and published by the American Psychological Association in the journal Psychology, Public Policy, and Law five years ago. It has been endorsed by the Council of Europe, which passed a resolution calling on member states, including Malta, to make shared parenting the foundation of family law.
In shared parenting, each parent, post-separation, obtains more or less equal care-time with children and each remains integrally involved in the children’s upbringing. Unfortunately, discussions with lawyers and experts in the field state Malta remains far behind this trend. Locally, the law allows wide judicial discretion and case-law has evolved to favour sole physical custody assigned to mothers. Typically, mothers get to raise the child, and the father has “access.”
“In Malta, the standard “access” is set at two hours on two weekday afternoons and a cycle of 24 hours on the weekend. That amounts to 16 per cent of the time, less than half the 35 per cent threshold set by social scientists for the secondary or non-resident parent in the JPC model” the second father tells me.
“Our campaign aims to break the wall of silence surrounding the men’s inequality within the courts and calls on the government to take urgent action.”
“This Christmas, we want everyone to join together to tackle this wall of silence and get conversations sparked up. In the same way that women’s health and rights should be relevant to men, men’s mental health and equality rights should also be tackled by everyone because they affect everyone. Those suffering this Christmas will be someone’s son, someone’s nephew, someone’s uncle or someone’s father.”
“We need a comprehensive package of measures to tackle long-term issues which face men including a recognised voice in government to coordinate efforts and show that, while the majority of politicians might be male -they have backed away from tackling this crisis.”
Aside from attending Valletta’s meeting on Christmas Day, I ask what they hope to achieve.
“First and foremost, having a father is a human right. Dads should be treated equally and with dignity by the courts and the state, and their right to family life respected. That means automatic parental responsibility for all fathers and a legal presumption of shared parenting and child support. Secondly, we want to start a national conversation.
Let’s break the political and social taboo around men’s rights here and fatherlessness and bring men and women together in unity to make a difference to the lives of men and children.”